success Archives

The Paradox Of Endings and New Beginnings

This week I celebrated my second daughter’s graduation from high school. She’s worked hard over these last four years and is ready for new beginnings when she heads to college in August. I’m both proud and happy for her.

The thing about new beginnings though is that they require something else to end.

In many ways, this ending is what her dad and I have been preparing for these last 18 years. Like many endings we face in life, this one is bittersweet. I must allow for two things to be present: the sadness associated with ending a time I loved raising her in our home and the celebration of her evolvement and success.

I know it’s time for new chapters — both hers and my own. And once again I am being called to answer the question, what do I want now? What do I want in this next chapter? Maybe you’re feeling called to answer the same question.

Fortunately, summertime has arrived. For me, summer has always been a time to slow down, reset, reflect, find joy in little adventures, and even experience a bucket list moment. This summer I’m going to enjoy one of those by traveling with my 79-year-old mother and two daughters to view the art and history of Italy.

While planning our visit, my oldest daughter, who is already studying abroad, reminded me to leave time for the unplanned. “Mom, don’t plan it all,” she said, as I asked her thoughts on the tours I’d scheduled. “It’s fun to just walk around and explore.” Ah. I knew she was right. I was grateful for the reminder.

A part of me is always seeking the simple, more serene life while another part tends to want to move quickly, and efficiently, preparing to get the next thing accomplished so I will be ‘prepared’ to enjoy the future. But as I was reminded by my daughter who will be leaving in just a couple of months, the moment I’ve been preparing for — and always am — is now.

A long time ago I learned to relax into whatever’s happening. Struggling against reality is exhausting and with profoundly disappointing results. Sometimes this is easier for me to do than others.

As I come off the high of the graduation celebration this weekend, I am not certain exactly of how the new puzzle pieces will fit together. But I do know what I want for sure this summer.

I want to slow down. I want more simplicity — more serenity, more presence. To me, that means more long walks. More deep talks. I want to take in every moment I have with my daughter before she leaves. This summer I vow to enjoy more of the things I did as a kid — dipping my toes in the ocean, cannonballing into a pool, sitting in silence in the early morning hours as the sun rises, eating a DQ with the car windows down and singing along to country music I love.

Sometimes it takes time for our hearts to accept what our mind already knows. Whatever ending you’re facing, give yourself grace and give yourself time.

Endings and goodbyes can be hard, but they do clear the way for a fresh start and for something more when we are ready.

We don’t know what is on the other side yet, but just like all of the other endings in my life, there was something equally beautiful — or better — on the other side.

Here’s to living in the paradox of endings and new beginnings. And leaving room for the unplanned while leaping into what calls you next and those places you’ve never been yet.

If you’re like me and feeling called to slow it down this summer, I offer you this poem, Slow Me Down, Lord, by Wilferd A. Peterson, to use as your daily reminder.

SLOW ME DOWN, LORD

Slow me down, Lord.

Ease the pounding of my heart by quieting my mind.

Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time.

Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills.

Break the tension of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in my memory.

Help me to know the magical, restoring power of my sleep.

Teach me the art of taking “minute vacations” of slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read a few lines from a great book.

Slow me down. Lord, and inspire me to send my roots deep in the soil of life’s enduring values, that I may grow toward the stars of my greater destiny.

~ Wilferd A. Peterson

Cheers to summer,

~Rita

When Unexpected Problems Surface On Our Path To Greatness

As I walked in I could hear the sound of water dripping. I turned my head to see paint bulging from the walls. Plaster in areas was falling from the ceiling.

We had just returned home from our trip to celebrate the holidays with my extended family. As my husband and I walked from floor to floor, we quickly surmised that the Midwest’s “blizzard of 2022” and the cold temperatures it brought with it had caused a pipe to burst. The pipe had leaked for days starting on the top floor.

At that moment, all I could see before me was the extensive damage. Having recently renovated the house, I was well aware of the time and energy it would take to put it back together again. My enthusiasm to prepare for my next trip and the new year quickly waned.

Isn’t that the way? You’re motivated by your proclamations and plans for the year ahead, then the unexpected comes out of nowhere, and it quickly fizzles.

I don’t share this story to garner sympathy or be a victim. Twenty-five years ago that would definitely have been the case.

Today, the wiser, often calmer, and more poised me is sharing what I’ve learned because I want you to have a way to thrive in case unexpected problems have already surfaced on your path to greatness this year.

You know what I’m talking about. We catch the latest Covid variant, our best worker suddenly quits, someone complains about us to our boss, our computer breaks, our business system can’t handle the load we’re putting on it, the stock market drops again or our company announces lay-offs.

It would be good to have a way — an approach or formula — to act on the obstacles that life throws at us, wouldn’t it?

I found a way years ago to steady myself during these times of difficulty, which are a part of daily life.

The secret I learned is to turn every obstacle into an opportunity. To use it as fuel. In other words, to find the ‘backdoor benefit.’

I’m not saying to pretend it isn’t happening or say “this isn’t so bad.” I‘d never ask you to put lipstick on a pig. I am simply suggesting that you ask instead: “How can I make this good?”

Years ago, you would have heard about my chaos immediately. I’d have been consumed, telling anyone who would listen, spending days feeling like a victim, expending energy fighting something I couldn’t change.

Today, I pause, take a deep breath and get clear on the perspective I’m going to choose: “What’s the benefit of this?” I know I will find the opportunity if I keep calm, collected, and patient. I know that it’s only when I employ these three characteristics that I can deploy the other skills I need to overcome the challenge.

My husband might have thought I got to this point too quickly that day as we surveyed the blow. But as I write this on my birthday, another year older and hopefully at least a tad bit wiser — I am ever so aware that my time and energy are both limited but decreasing. I want to focus both of those resources on things I can control rather than suffer failed attempts to control those I cannot.

I’d be lying if I said my office and other rooms being taken down to the studs wasn’t disheartening. It’s in these moments, however, I know that I decide what I will make of each situation. That I control the story — if I even tell one at all.

I know we all will come across obstacles in the year ahead— large and small, fair and unfair. And we will discover again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure. Our reaction determines how successful we will be in overcoming and succeeding despite —or because of — our obstacles.

The night before my daughter returned to college from Christmas break, we watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love. She’d never seen it, and I hadn’t seen it in years. The main character played by Julia Roberts said something that stuck with me — “Ruin is the road to transformation.”

It confirmed what I’d been thinking: maybe I was being given a chance to make my next creation even better than the last.

This year my wish for you is that you never let a good obstacle stop you. When things go bump or even crash, remember to look for the opportunity for transformation before you. It served me to trust that the universe has my back even when I don’t understand its’ plan.

It’s on us to get back into the driver’s seat when difficult things happen. And they will. Sometimes every day. But when we turn our obstacles into opportunities, we can turn our own adversity into our advantage.

All my best,

~Rita

Improve Your Connections By Employing the Art and Neuroscience Of Engagement

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn what is needed before every interaction to be successful, what the savviest managers and most effective leaders do, and my simple 4-step S.A.F.E. method that will drastically increase the quality of your engagements and allow others to not only feel safe but truly empowered by you.

Recently, I was training a group of managers in the coaching leadership style, discussing how to have an effective coaching conversation with team members. This particular company understands that the best version of a business comes only when employees are becoming better versions of themselves. The company is creating a culture that reflects that.

At one point in the training, I noticed one of the managers had a smile on his face. I asked him what was so funny? “Well, it’s not that it’s funny,” he said, “but I can’t imagine some of my team wanting to have this conversation with me.”

He was right. It occurred to me that much more was actually needed to be said about the art and science of engagement. After all, if the employee views talking to their manager as risky instead of rewarding (as he was suggesting), then the team member is not going to engage with him. The communication is shut down and he becomes ineffective no matter how talented he is.

And this applies to all of us in ANY interaction.

We want to contribute, to serve, to help, to support, and to influence in business, at home, or in our community, but we can’t do this if we are perceived as more risky than rewarding to engage. We can really want these outcomes, but if the individuals on the other end of our engagements do not feel safe with us, we won’t be able to share our talents, gifts or services with them.

So, how do you get others to engage with us while feeling safe?

One of the most important aspects of getting individuals to talk to you is understanding neuroscience to establish yourself as someone rewarding and safe to engage with.

Here’s a quick peek into how the brain works:

5 times a second, the unconscious mind scans the environment and asks, “Is it safe here?”

If the answer is no, then our mental operation is taken over by the amygdala – the least developed part of our brain whose primary focus is on survival. If it determines that the environment is unsafe, it focuses solely on what it needs to do to survive: fight, freeze (remain quiet), or leave the interaction completely.

Now, when the brain does feel safe, it operates from the prefrontal cortex, at its highest level. It’s capable of navigating nuance, managing ambiguity, and assuming positive intention.

With that quick dive into how the brain works, we can see that how we manage people matters. How we let them know they are safe is absolutely critical.. In order to do so effectively, I’m going to share with you my simple 4-step process called S.A.F.E. that’s going to help you communicate so others feel safe and empowered in their engagements with you.

S.A.F.E.

When the brain feels safe, it can operate at its most sophisticated level. When we feel safe, we are engaged and are capable of progressing forward. If we are unsure of a situation, our subconscious minds will default to reading it as unsafe. Think of it as a barking Chihuahua. If you walk into its home, it has now perceived – something bigger and unknown – as a threat. It does not feel safe and therefore begins to bark incessantly. This is equivalent to the mind that chatters and ruminates. Before you can go any further, you have to make the barking dog feel safe.

In the first step of the process, we address Status.

The brain asks: What is my status in this? Is there a ranking in this interaction? Am I valued in this engagement? Are we equally important?

If the subconscious brain sees itself as lower, it barks incessantly like the chihuahua. Your job in this step is to not set the dog off by threatening its status.

For example, if you’re providing feedback as a manager to a direct report, it’s important to let the individual know this is an interactive process where you’ll be providing feedback and that you see them as equally important to you. Where the brain may be concerned with a difference in status, you want to assure it that although we may have different rankings in the world, you and I are bringing equal value.

In the second step, we address Autonomy.

The brain asks: Do I have a choice?

Not having a choice makes individuals feel walled in. We want those engaging with us to feel that they have choices. We can do this by asking them for ideas or suggestions. As I begin a coaching engagement, I say to the other individual, “I’m going to ask you questions and you get to choose whether you want to take my observations or reflections back or to drop them.” I don’t make the person feel like a prisoner. It’s like a pair of shoes: if they don’t fit, you wouldn’t buy them.

In the third step, we address Friend or Foe.

The brain asks: Are you on my side? Are you with me or against me?

An easy way to do this as a manager is to remind the person that you are on the same team. You can say things like, “We’re on the same team here… What I want for you is…” and then fill in the blank. Use “we” and “us” language instead of “you” language. That way, you ensure people know you are a friend that is on the same team as them.

When I first engage with new clients, I let them know that once I agree to work with them, I become their number one fan. This act calms the subconscious mind.

In the fourth step, we address Expectation.

The brain asks: What’s the future?

Remember that the future is uncertain and the brain sees uncertainty as exceedingly dangerous. If the brain doesn’t know what to expect in an engagement, it’s going to resist. It might fight back. So, be aware in the initial moments of an engagement to clarify what is going to happen. This helps individuals know what to expect, even if it’s just for the next 15 minutes. In doing so, you provide clarity which calms the brain and keeps it from ruminating and interpreting that danger is lurking.

When beginning an engagement, you can say:

“Today, we’re going to…”

“I’m going to ask you this…”

“At the end, we’re going to come full circle and this is what we’re going to make sure we covered…”

Doing so paints a picture that lets others know what to expect by telling them what the future is going to look like.

When you follow this 4-step acronym, you set the foundation for and begin a very healthy and rewarding interaction regardless who it is you are engaging with. While the 4 parts are the same no matter with whom you’re interacting, the order of the steps can be adjusted to flow with your conversation.

This week, I challenge you to make someone feel safe in your next engagement with them. Ensure that they feel valued and equal to you, that they have the autonomy to make certain choices, that you are there for them, and clearly paint a picture of what they can expect in this engagement. Then, sit back and enjoy the connection.

In this episode I share:

The key thing needed before expecting any successful engaged conversation
My simple 4-step process (S.A.F.E) to drastically transform and elevate your engagements both in the office and at home
Specific examples of what you can say to establish instant connection in any interaction

Resources and related episodes:

Tune into the previous episode, How To Overcome An Upper Limit Problem

Episode 102. Rethinking Getting Things Done (4 Tools to Make Better Choices With Your Time)

If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method

Connect with Rita on LinkedIn.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

How to Overcome an Upper Limit Problem

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to spot your upper limit problem, recognize the self-sabotage when it happens, and get comfortable being uncomfortable so you can move closer to the career and life you say you want.

Recently I was talking to a man who has been working toward a dream of his for years. Everything was going his way: he landed a job that is one of the most desirable jobs in his field; his family was excited for the change; he was doubling his salary; getting to leave a toxic environment; his house sold effortlessly; and he was getting time off. The stars were aligned.

Then before he was set to make the move — he fell and broke his leg — in the shower. Nothing caused it, but it happened.

THAT is the power of the subconscious mind. Without knowing it, he had placed a ceiling on how good things could get in his life.

And we all do this all of the time without realizing it.

This is the upper limit problem at play.

This “upper limit” is a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, The Big Leap. In each area of our lives, there is a perceived cap we have placed on how much career success, wealth, happiness, love, and more that we will allow ourselves to have. Once things begin to exceed that limit, our subconscious minds begin to self-sabotage in order to bring us back to a place of familiarity – our comfort zones.

If you’ve ever wondered why you aren’t moving forward no matter how much work you seem to put in or you advance one month only to fall back the next, it’s not your fault.

We humans are evolutionary honed to resist our own progress —even when it improves our lives.

Today I will teach you how to get your brain on board and accept all the greatness in your career and life that you want but may unknowingly be resisting.

Again, there’s no need to blame or shame yourself for this. There’s a part of our brains that has been conditioned for over 2 million years to rebuke change and uncertainty.

Back when we were hunter-gatherers, uncertainty meant death, therefore that part of our brains can sabotage us anytime we seek to grow as a way to protect us from the unknown.

Once you understand this concept, however, and how to overcome it, you will notice how areas where you may feel stuck or plateaued seem to shift without you even working on them directly.

So, how do you identify your upper limit problem?

Begin by taking a look at your life as it is now. Does your bank account balance seem to never go past a certain amount? Does the amount of time you have for yourself seem to never be enough? Are your relationships never quite as harmonious as you want them to be?

You know you have an upper limit problem when what you want remains elusive or when you get it, you can’t maintain it.

Once you know how to identify your upper limit, utilize these 5 steps to increase your inner threshold to allow for more of the things you say you want in life:

1. Recognize & diagnose your upper limit problem. You’ll notice it when something you want always remains at arm’s distance or when you get it you can’t maintain it. For example, you work to lose five pounds and then a month or two later, you gain it back. Many people who lose lots of weight report feeling uncomfortable with their new level of success. It’s because there’s a change from what we’re familiar with. So, the unconscious brain will rebel against what’s new unless conditioned for the higher level. That’s where the next step comes in.
2. Acknowledge what is already great and rich in your life. Say thank you for the money you do have in your bank account, tell your friends you are grateful for them. Expressing gratitude for what you do have in your life will help you become comfortable with receiving more of it into your life.
3. Visualize what you desire with feeling as if it’s already occurred. In other words, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to accept the wins you want. If you are someone who is constantly moving but want to experience days of calm, familiarize yourself with what calmer days would look like.
4. Talk directly to your subconscious. Here’s an example: “I openly receive and accept the extraordinary relationship with my spouse, my own health, continuous peace and ease.” Whatever it is, talk to your subconscious letting it know that it’s safe and okay to accept what you desire so that you can experience higher levels of your potential without bumping up against a “false ceiling.”
5. Lean into the unfamiliar that comes with change. This task requires some commitment, so I’m making it your challenge for this week.

This week, focus on raising your current upper limit by 5% in one area of your life. Instead of stressing out your subconscious when it’s saying, “Hell no!” take that invisible ceiling that keeps you stagnant in an area you want to thrive more in. Maybe you allow for 5% more self-care, 5% more ease in your day, or 5% more harmony in your relationships. Consider what that additional 5% would look like in your chosen area. 5% change is an amount your subconscious can handle.

So, what is your one area you’re going to focus on this week?