relationship-will-last

The #1 Sign Your Relationship Will Last

relationship-will-last

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn the 1 simple thing that will show if your relationship will last, what you need to do to improve the health and longevity of your relationship, and how to apply this same principle to ANY relationship you may be struggling with.

None of us have taken a class in life that tells us how to have healthy relationships, but most of us don’t need much convincing that happy relationships are key to a successful life. Despite the importance of relationships to our overall well-being, happiness, and success, often we navigate through relationships on our own and learn as we go through a lot of trial and error. We don’t really know how to tell if a relationship will last or how to make sure a relationship lasts longer.

Today, I want to clear that up for you by sharing the science found by two marriage and relationship experts that will help you understand what it really takes to make sure your relationship will last. The best part is this principle can also be applied to your relationships with coworkers, family members, and with anyone else you may connect with in life. 

Lately, several people have described the struggles they are experiencing in their relationships.

For some, the connection in their marriage has waned. For others, they aren’t clicking with a fellow coworker. These experiences got me thinking of something extremely interesting that I learned years ago.

There are two psychologists – John and Julie Gottman – who, within 15 minutes of meeting a married couple, can predict if the couple will stay married or they will divorce… and with 94% accuracy. When I heard this, I thought it was crazy! I had to learn how they could figure this out.

John and Julie Gottman have determined that the outcome of a couple’s relationship comes down to one simple factor: the balance of their positive and negative interactions. They call this principle The Magic Ratio (or P&R, the Positive-Negative Ratio). 

In The Magic Ratio, couples with a Positive-to-Negative ratio of 5:1 are likely to have a relationship that will last.

This means they have 5 positive interactions with one another for every negative interaction. This counters our common belief that we only need to have a 1:1 ratio when a positive interaction happens to resolve any negative one. Unfortunately, that’s just not how science works.

Let’s put this in perspective. Say you’re having a bad day and you take it out on your spouse throughout the day: once at breakfast, once in mid-afternoon, and once around dinner. According to The Magic Ratio, you have to have 15 positive interactions to actually make up for those 3 negative interactions. Can you see the multiplying impact of having a bad week? 

If this science is true for romantic relationships, it can also be applied to other relationships in our lives. The Gottman’s applied The Magic Ratio to predict marital success and there is more academic research conducted by Heapy and Losada that found that the average ratio for high-performing teams was 5.6:1, 2:1 for medium-performance teams, and -3:1 for low-performance teams. 

The Magic Ratio is such an easy way to gauge how your relationships are going and if you want stronger relationships, you know that your number of positive interactions needs to increase. 

This week, I challenge you to take notice.

Choose one relationship in your life and look at your Positive-to-Negative Ratio with that person. Notice how many positive and negative interactions you have with them within a week. Then, be intentional about increasing your positive interactions. All it takes is a little intentionality. 

I want to invite you to tune into this week’s podcast episode as I take this topic even deeper to discuss the impact that negativity has on our interactions and the important role we each play in bringing a bit more positivity to this world. 

In this episode I share:

  • The #1 predictor of your relationship lasting or ending
  • Examples of how to use this principle in different types of relationships
  • What I believe to be each of our responsibility to the collective frequency

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

a simple practice to elevate your personal brand playing full out rita hyland podcast

A Simple Practice to Elevate Your Personal Brand

a simple practice to elevate your personal brand playing full out with rita hyland podcast

Listen to the full podcast episode to understand the important role self-awareness plays in your personal brand and learn my simple 3-step practice that will help elevate your personal brand experience.

We are all familiar with companies and their different brands. Brands instantly connect us to certain feelings and expectations. Take Tesla for example: this brand is all about cutting-edge innovation. The Disney brand is a joy and delight. When you think of Disney, you know what experience you will have.

Just like well-known companies, do you realize that you as an individual have a personal brand experience, too?

I didn’t think I’d be sharing this, but I want to tell you about my experience with a recent purchase from a new brand. I ordered a purse from an online company. When it arrived, I opened the box and there was a message reading: Your experience begins.

There were many layers to the opening experience. The purse was wrapped as a gift to me with a personalized letter in a handwritten script, there was a lot of beautiful tissue paper, and it was all inside a gorgeous, luxurious, and royal navy blue box. The company also included a surprise gift — a credit card case. Inside, they’d placed a high-quality business card from them with a lifetime guarantee and an address to use if the purse ever needed to be fixed. 

The company had strategically placed two of these cards in different places which signified to me how much they cared about my delight with my experience of their product. I’m exposed to many different brands, but this one really got me thinking about brand experiences.

Let me explain how you have a personal brand experience, as well.

When coaching leaders at companies, I often interview the individuals who work with an individual within the company and I ask them this question: When you think of this person, what one thing comes to mind that describes your experience of them? What I find amazing is there’s always repetition in the answers that I collect. I may interview 6-8 different individuals and there’s always a theme. 

In essence, the interview process hones in on the individual’s personal brand.  It ultimately answers the question: Who are they to others? Notice I didn’t ask how their work, product, or services are. Although the product we create or the service we perform is important, what’s just as important is who we are being in the delivery.  What is another’s experience of us? Why?  Because you yourself are an experience. 

When you understand this, the next natural question to ask yourself is, “What experience do people have with me? What do I bring beyond what I’m doing or providing?”

I can’t tell you how many people don’t know or have ever even considered this before. 

One of the traits of a conscious leader is that they realize it’s not just what they accomplish or achieve, but who they are being while they do it.

In other words, how do people feel in your presence?

Does your personal brand delight others?

Fuel others?

Elevate others?

Or, does it drain them? 

We all know someone in our lives who after interacting with them, you feel more exhausted or drained than elevated. The worst part is the individual usually has no idea of what they’re known for.  

Each of us has a responsibility to be awake, to be conscious and this begins with becoming more self-aware each and every day.

I believe the answer to all of our problems from a national level to a personal level is this: our ability to be self-aware and awake. 

If you haven’t given thought to your personal brand, I have a practice that you can use to hone in on the experience you bring to all of your interactions so that you can elevate your personal brand. 

The first step is to ask yourself: Who am I being while I do what I’m doing?

In your daily interactions, are you simply focused on getting it done, or are you deliberate about the experience you bring as well? To do this, simply look back at the interactions you’ve had within the last 24 hours. What do you think those on the receiving end felt when they were with you? Is that an experience you want to be associated with you?

Since it can be difficult to see ourselves accurately, I also recommend a more straightforward approach. Ask a friend or a trusted coworker this: If you had to describe who I am known for being, what comes to mind? If you had to describe what your regular experience is with me, what is that? 

The second step is to identify the personal brand you actually want to promote. 

How do you want people to experience you? Maybe you want to be the go-to expert, the person who sweeps people off their feet, or the one who gets things done. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, but you do need to know how you want because you can’t hit a target you can’t see. 

This step is where you identify who you are, what you’re bringing to the table, and the experience you want others to have with you.

The third step is to make a list of the 5-7 things that will help you bring forth that experience for others consistently and elevate your personal brand.

An important aspect of elevating your desired personal brand experience is to be intentional. To do that, you have to know the things that will deliver that experience on a day-to-day basis. 

How will you surprise and delight others’ experiences with you? There are so many ways to surprise and delight in your workplace and your community. This step calls you to get specific on what those will be. 

Just like the company that sent me the purse. They defined the 5-7 things that they do to surprise and delight their customers and they did them. That’s what I’m asking you to do. 

Some of those things may look like this:

  • streamlining a process
  • making something easier because you saw the opportunity
  • sharing a compliment publicly at a team meeting
  • grabbing a coffee for someone who has been sitting at their desk fighting a tight deadline
  • doing something that needs to be done even when you haven’t been asked 

All-in-all, your personal brand is a pulse check on who you are being and how people experience you.

This matters because it either elevates others — your co-workers, clients, or family members – in the organization, in the community, or in your family — or it diminishes them. There is no neutral. You either contaminate or contribute. The last thing you want is to be unaware of who you are as an experience to others. 

Our #1 responsibility in this lifetime is to wake up and elevate the consciousness of the world. That may seem lofty but it can be done every day in each of your interactions by bringing a little surprise and delight. 

You are more than what you do or the products or services you provide. Who you’re being matters!

In this episode I share:

  • 3 actionable steps to improve self-awareness and elevate your personal brand
  • Self-reflective prompts to analyze others’ experiences of you
  • My personal experience of surprise and delight while shopping with a new brand
  • Several ways to add surprise and delight to your personal brand experience

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

recognizing your self protection mechanism playing full out rita hyland

Recognizing Your Self-Protection Mechanism

self-protection

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to identify the coping strategies and self-protection mechanisms you employ when someone triggers you. By the end, you’ll know how to respond with vulnerability versus reacting with vigilance to end the self-sabotage and self-betrayal you may or may not realize you’re a part of in your relationships.

 

 

Today, I’m talking about the coping patterns and self-protection mechanisms we resort to when we feel triggered. Today, I’m going to show you how to comfort that conditioned part of yourself that for so long has behaved in a certain way as a means to self-preserve.

 

What is a self-protection mechanism?

A self-protection mechanism is a behavior or coping tool that we employ when a part of us doesn’t feel that it can manage or navigate a solution. 

We may feel unsafe, that something’s out of control, or that we’re going to get hurt. So, we rely on certain behavior we’ve become conditioned to using to escape from the feelings we don’t want to feel. 

Since we’ve repeated it for so long, it has become a pattern and the roots often stem from an experience in our childhood where we felt unsafe, hurt, afraid, angry, or resentful. 

There are a lot of different self-protection mechanisms that we employ. They’re very unique and specific to each of us and we’ve created them to help us cope with feelings we don’t believe we can handle feeling again. So, these mechanisms become our automatic reactions, becoming habits and often causing us to sabotage our relationships – including the one with yourself. 

How do we change our self-protection mechanisms and coping tools? 

There are 3 steps that will help you move from reacting to responding  and with vulnerability instead of vigilance:

Recognize your protection mechanism by looking at your patterns of behavior in relationships. 

Becoming aware is an essential first step in experiencing the greatest version of yourself. Let’s do an exercise to get you started. 

Think of one way you protect yourself in relationships. When someone says or does something that triggers you, what behavior are you most likely to respond with? One way to do this is to look at your last disagreement or a recent time you were triggered by someone. How did you handle it?

  • Do you pretend you’re laid back not showing that you care to avoid getting hurt? 
  • Do you defer to filling others’ needs or wants and remain silent when it comes to yours? 
  • Do you resort to using sarcasm to protect yourself from being seen authentically? 
  • Do you keep people at a distance by becoming argumentative?
  • When someone says or does something you don’t like, do you betray yourself, by not stopping a person if they’re coming against you?
  • Do you refrain from asking for what you want?
  • Do you allow others’ needs to supersede your own?
  • Do you raise your voice as a means to shut someone down?

Witness yourself at the moment. 

When you witness the moment, take a deep breath in and relax. Don’t run from it or numb yourself from feeling it. Just notice it. It’s key to see and name this mechanism for what it really is — a part of you that’s trying to protect you. So, instead of self-identifying or justifying it, just notice it.

Comfort yourself. Become friends with your protection mechanism and the part of you that’s protecting you. 

Think of this mechanism as a good friend who has had your best interest at heart and has been looking out for you for a long time. Thank it for being there when you needed it to survive. 

Begin to reparent yourself. Reparenting is the practice of relearning how to meet physical and emotional needs that your inner child or younger self may have not been able to take care of. Since these mechanisms developed during past times in our lives, you’ll most likely be having conversations with your younger self, giving your younger self what you needed at that very moment. Through reparenting, we are able to guide ourselves and really transform our subconscious where this protection mechanism is housed. 

 

It can be hard to change our patterns of behavior because we’ve been using them without even realizing it for so long. For me, it took years after I began my self-protection mechanism to bravely speak up for myself and to do so from a place of clarity and love. 

But when you get to know your specific protection mechanisms that show up when you’re triggered, your relationships will dramatically improve in every category of life.

You will speak with love, with clarity, and with boundaries. You will feel better because you’ll be responding from your healed and secure self. 

By being aware of how you self-protect using the coping mechanisms specific to your needs, you stop leading your life from your past conditioning. 

Your Call to Action for this week is to identify the self-protection mechanism that you use when you feel triggered. Become aware and witness it when you see it. Instead of running from the feelings you’ve tried not feeling for so long, breathe into the moment and relax. Then, take some time to become friends with that part of yourself that has protected you for so long, and thank it. Let it know it no longer needs to react as it always has because you no longer need to resist or run from those feelings.

 

In this episode I share:

  • 3 steps to stave off the self-sabotage and self-betrayal that’s often associated with your conditioned protection pattern of choice
  • The long-held patterns you resort to when you feel triggered and how you become conditioned to use these coping mechanisms
  • A practice to befriend the part of you that is seeking to protect you but often costs you your happiness and success

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

simple step by step candid conversation formula for addressing conflict

The Simple Step-by-Step Candid Conversation Formula

simple step by step candid conversation formula playing full out with rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn a simple 7-part formula to address and resolve conflict in any relationship (whether in the boardroom or bedroom) so that you can clear your issues, resolve conflict and actually improve your relationships by addressing the unspoken and uncomfortable.

What percentage of people do you think have been taught a simple process for conflict resolution, considering that conflict is inevitable in every relationship both personal and professional?  The answer is so low that researchers have likely never thought it worthy enough to measure. 

When it comes to conflict, it’s not if it will happen, but when. While we do not want it, it’s key for the sake of our relationships and leadership that we get good at addressing and resolving it. 

That’s why today I’m going to walk you through a reliable 7-step formula that you can use any time you’re having an issue that needs to be cleared.  Using this approach you will feel more confident leaning into even your most difficult or charged conversation.  It will also ensure that you are heard, that you care, and that you resolve issues healthily and quickly. 

Before we step into this process, it’s important to  establish a strong foundation for the candid conversation. Here are 3 steps you can take before you begin:  

  • Set the intention.

    • It’s important to approach any candid conversation with the intention to support, to love, and to provide what needs to be said. While engaging in a conversation to clear your issues, don’t come to it unprepared or in a less than positive state.  Know what it is you want by the end of the conversation. 

  • Be sure to mention what is working.

    • You can do this by saying, “This is the 90% that is working really well.  Now let’s talk today about the 10% that will take us to the next level.”

  • Honor the other person by being vulnerable.

    • Vulnerability shows the other person that you care, that you see each other as equals, and that you value the other in the experience. You can do this by saying, “I am committed to your success and being in this conversation until we get to a good place for both of us.”

  • Let the other person know that you want the real deal.

    • You can do this by saying, “I’m going to be transparent with you. I want you to be transparent with me. If you don’t understand or agree with something, I want you to tell me that.”

 

One of the biggest problems when we attempt to engage in healthy conflict, is that we tend to come to the conversation with facts, interpretations, stories, judgments, feelings, and wants that get entangled. As a result, often little is heard, issues go unresolved, and things are left even messier than they were before. 

One of the key elements of this 7-step formula to candid conversations is to discern and identify each part for what it is.  The steps include:

  1. Affirm the importance of the relationship. Set the stage and affirm that the other person is important to you. For example: “Our relationship is important to me and I want to discuss something that’s affecting it.”
  2. Set the intention. This is just a little bit different than our foundational step above. Here you want to articulate your intention making sure to be clear so if the conversation gets off track, you can use your intention to get back on track. For example: “My intention for this conversation is that our relationship is stronger as a result of us talking.” Or “My intention for this conversation is to be clear about what is expected of you when you come to our leadership meeting.”
  3. State the facts. This is where things can begin to get messy. In this part of the conversation it is important to state only the facts. Be very clear about what happened without any added judgments or stories. For example: “Less than 50% of the team came prepared with the answers to the questions that were laid out 2 to 4 weeks ago.” Or “You came in 15 minutes past curfew.”
  4. Offer your interpretations. This is where you can begin to share your interpretations and what you are concerned about. For example: “I interpret the facts to mean…”, “I’m concerned because to me this means…”, or “The story I tell myself when this happens is…” and then fill in the rest.  That may sound like: “You’ve been gone for three out of the last four weekends. I interpret that to mean that you’re not concerned with investing time in our marriage.”
  5. Clarify your feelings. This may sound like: “When I believe this, I feel disrespected, I feel unheard, I feel unseen.”
  6. Own your level of responsibility. I am a big believer that each of us is 100% responsible for 50% of the relationship, and we have to own our half. For example: “My role in this is…” or “My part in allowing or enabling this issue is…” If we’re speaking to a child that’s missed curfew, it could sound like this: “My part in this is that I have allowed you to be late before and not held you accountable. That may be confusing.”
  7. Articulate what you want and ask for it. Be clear and specific in your request focusing on the positive. This is a part where it can be very easy to focus on what you don’t want, like “I don’t want you coming in late,” or “I don’t want you coming to team meetings unprepared.” It’s much more important and effective to speak to what you do want because the subconscious brain doesn’t hear words like “don’t” and “no.” Paint a vivid picture of the ultimate ideal future as it pertains to this issue. For example: “I’d like you to arrive at the meetings 10 minutes early. At that time, we can address each other, enjoy each other, and proceed with our intended agenda.”

If you want to effectively address and resolve issues in your relationships, it’s essential to communicate in a way that your concerns are heard, that is not overridden with judgment, that sees others as equal, and expresses your feelings and interpretations of the situation. 

Once you’ve effectively and clearly communicated, you can move forward by listening and hearing the other person with responses like, “Tell me what it is you’re hearing,” or “Tell me what it is you’re taking from this conversation.”  You will also want to get the other person’s commitment to take the steps you identified along with other ideas they might have.

Having a method to resolve issues allows you to feel more confident heading into an issues clearing conversation and more likely to lean in instead of step over it.  

Remember that being transparent is kind. When you use this formula to have a candid conversation with the purpose of clearing issues, you will see your productivity, peace of mind, and quality of relationships dramatically improve. 

Your call to action is to challenge yourself this week to step over nothing. Instead, address what isn’t being said. Talk about issues before they get so large that they can’t be disarmed or dispelled. First, lay your foundation and then use the simple step-by-step formula.

As reassurance, know that if these issues are on your mind, they’re probably on the other person’s mind too.  You’ll both be served by clearing the air and acknowledging the elephant in the room.

In this episode I share:

  • 3 foundation-building steps to set your candid conversation up for success
  • A step-by-step formula to engage in difficult conversations whether personal or professional 
  • Examples of the exact words in the right order that will help you to resolve even the most difficult conflicts in the boardroom, office, or at home 

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Improve Your Connections By Employing the Art and Neuroscience Of Engagement

Improve Your Connections By Employing the Art and Neuroscience Of Engagement

Improve your connections by employing the art and neuroscience of engagement rita hyland playing full out

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn what is needed before every interaction to be successful, what the savviest managers and most effective leaders do, and my simple 4-step S.A.F.E. method that will drastically increase the quality of your engagements and allow others to not only feel safe but truly empowered by you.

Recently, I was training a group of managers in the coaching leadership style, discussing how to have an effective coaching conversation with team members. This particular company understands that the best version of a business comes only when employees are becoming better versions of themselves.  The company is creating a culture that reflects that. 

At one point in the training, I noticed one of the managers had a smile on his face. I asked him what was so funny? “Well, it’s not that it’s funny,” he said, “but I can’t imagine some of my team wanting to have this conversation with me.”

He was right. It occurred to me that much more was actually needed to be said about the art and science of engagement. After all, if the employee views talking to their manager as risky instead of rewarding (as he was suggesting), then the team member is not going to engage with him. The communication is shut down and he becomes ineffective no matter how talented he is.

And this applies to all of us in ANY interaction. 

We want to contribute, to serve, to help, to support, and to influence in business, at home, or in our community, but we can’t do this if we are perceived as more risky than rewarding to engage. We can really want these outcomes, but if the individuals on the other end of our engagements do not feel safe with us, we won’t be able to share our talents, gifts or services with them.

So, how do you get others to engage with us while feeling safe?

One of the most important aspects of getting individuals to talk to you is understanding neuroscience to establish yourself as someone rewarding and safe to engage with. 

Here’s a quick peek into how the brain works:

5 times a second, the unconscious mind scans the environment and asks, “Is it safe here?”

If the answer is no, then our mental operation is taken over by the amygdala – the least developed part of our brain whose primary focus is on survival. If it determines that the environment is unsafe, it focuses solely on what it needs to do to survive: fight, freeze (remain quiet), or leave the interaction completely.

Now, when the brain does feel safe, it operates from the prefrontal cortex, at its highest level. It’s capable of navigating nuance, managing ambiguity, and assuming positive intention. 

With that quick dive into how the brain works, we can see that how we manage people matters. How we let them know they are safe is absolutely critical.. In order to do so effectively, I’m going to share with you my simple 4-step process called S.A.F.E. that’s going to help you communicate so others feel safe and empowered in their engagements with you. 

S.A.F.E.

When the brain feels safe, it can operate at its most sophisticated level. When we feel safe, we are engaged and are capable of progressing forward. If we are unsure of a situation, our subconscious minds will default to reading it as unsafe. Think of it as a barking Chihuahua. If you walk into its home, it has now perceived – something bigger and unknown – as a threat. It does not feel safe and therefore begins to bark incessantly. This is equivalent to the mind that chatters and ruminates. Before you can go any further, you have to make the barking dog feel safe. 

In the first step of the process, we address Status.

The brain asks: What is my status in this? Is there a ranking in this interaction? Am I valued in this engagement? Are we equally important?

If the subconscious brain sees itself as lower, it barks incessantly like the chihuahua. Your job in this step is to not set the dog off by threatening its status. 

For example, if you’re providing feedback as a manager to a direct report, it’s important to let the individual know this is an interactive process where you’ll be providing feedback and that you see them as equally important to you. Where the brain may be concerned with a difference in status, you want to assure it that although we may have different rankings in the world, you and I are bringing equal value. 

In the second step, we address Autonomy.

The brain asks: Do I have a choice? 

Not having a choice makes individuals feel walled in. We want those engaging with us to feel that they have choices. We can do this by asking them for ideas or suggestions. As I begin a coaching engagement, I say to the other individual, “I’m going to ask you questions and you get to choose whether you want to take my observations or reflections back or to drop them.” I don’t make the person feel like a prisoner. It’s like a pair of shoes: if they don’t fit, you wouldn’t buy them.

In the third step, we address Friend or Foe.

The brain asks: Are you on my side? Are you with me or against me?

An easy way to do this as a manager is to remind the person that you are on the same team. You can say things like, “We’re on the same team here… What I want for you is…” and then fill in the blank. Use “we” and “us” language instead of “you” language. That way, you ensure people know you are a friend that is on the same team as them. 

When I first engage with new clients, I let them know that once I agree to work with them, I become their number one fan. This act calms the subconscious mind. 

In the fourth step, we address Expectation.

The brain asks: What’s the future?

Remember that the future is uncertain and the brain sees uncertainty as exceedingly dangerous. If the brain doesn’t know what to expect in an engagement, it’s going to resist. It might fight back. So, be aware in the initial moments of an engagement to clarify what is going to happen. This helps individuals know what to expect, even if it’s just for the next 15 minutes. In doing so, you provide clarity which calms the brain and keeps it from ruminating and interpreting that  danger is lurking. 

When beginning an engagement, you can say:

“Today, we’re going to…” 

“I’m going to ask you this…” 

“At the end, we’re going to come full circle and this is what we’re going to make sure we covered…”

Doing so paints a picture that lets others know what to expect by telling them what the future is going to look like. 

When you follow this 4-step acronym, you set the foundation for and begin a very healthy and rewarding interaction regardless who it is you are engaging with. While the 4 parts are the same no matter with whom you’re interacting, the order of the steps can be adjusted to flow with your conversation.  

This week, I challenge you to make someone feel safe in your next engagement with them. Ensure that they feel valued and equal to you, that they have the autonomy to make certain choices, that you are there for them, and clearly paint a picture of what they can expect in this engagement. Then, sit back and enjoy the connection.

In this episode I share:

  • The key thing needed before expecting any successful engaged conversation
  • My simple 4-step process (S.A.F.E) to drastically transform and elevate your engagements both in the office and at home
  • Specific examples of what you can say to establish instant connection in any interaction

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

How to Overcome an Upper Limit Problem Playing Full Out with Rita Hyland

How to Overcome an Upper Limit Problem

how to overcome an upper limit problem playing full out rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to spot your upper limit problem, recognize the self-sabotage when it happens, and get comfortable being uncomfortable so you can move closer to the career and life you say you want.

Recently I was talking to a man who has been working toward a dream of his for years.  Everything was going his way: he landed a job that is one of the most desirable jobs in his field; his family was excited for the change; he was doubling his salary; getting to leave a toxic environment; his house sold effortlessly; and he was getting time off. The stars were aligned.

Then before he was set to make the move — he fell and broke his leg — in the shower. Nothing caused it, but it happened. 

THAT is the power of the subconscious mind.  Without knowing it, he had placed a ceiling on how good things could get in his life. 

And we all do this all of the time without realizing it. 

This is the upper limit problem at play. 

This “upper limit” is a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, The Big Leap. In each area of our lives, there is a perceived cap we have placed on how much career success, wealth, happiness, love, and more that we will allow ourselves to have. Once things begin to exceed that limit, our subconscious minds begin to self-sabotage in order to bring us back to a place of familiarity – our comfort zones. 

If you’ve ever wondered why you aren’t moving forward no matter how much work you seem to put in or you advance one month only to fall back the next, it’s not your fault.  

We humans are evolutionary honed to resist our own progress —even when it improves our lives. 

Today I will teach you how to get your brain on board and accept all the greatness in your career and life that you want but may unknowingly be resisting.

Again, there’s no need to blame or shame yourself for this. There’s a part of our brains that has been conditioned for over 2 million years to rebuke change and uncertainty.

Back when we were hunter-gatherers, uncertainty meant death, therefore that part of our brains can sabotage us anytime we seek to grow as a way to protect us from the unknown.

Once you understand this concept, however, and how to overcome it, you will notice how areas where you may feel stuck or plateaued seem to shift without you even working on them directly. 

So, how do you identify your upper limit problem?

Begin by taking a look at your life as it is now. Does your bank account balance seem to never go past a certain amount? Does the amount of time you have for yourself seem to never be enough? Are your relationships never quite as harmonious as you want them to be? 

You know you have an upper limit problem when what you want remains elusive or when you get it, you can’t maintain it.

Once you know how to identify your upper limit, utilize these 5 steps to increase your inner threshold to allow for more of the things you say you want in life:

    1. Recognize & diagnose your upper limit problem. You’ll notice it when something you want always remains at arm’s distance or when you get it you can’t maintain it. For example, you work to lose five pounds and then a month or two later, you gain it back. Many people who lose lots of weight report feeling uncomfortable with their new level of success. It’s because there’s a change from what we’re familiar with. So, the unconscious brain will rebel against what’s new unless conditioned for the higher level. That’s where the next step comes in.
    2. Acknowledge what is already great and rich in your life. Say thank you for the money you do have in your bank account, tell your friends you are grateful for them. Expressing gratitude for what you do have in your life will help you become comfortable with receiving more of it into your life.
    3. Visualize what you desire with feeling as if it’s already occurred. In other words, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to accept the wins you want. If you are someone who is constantly moving but want to experience days of calm, familiarize yourself with what calmer days would look like. 
    4. Talk directly to your subconscious. Here’s an example: “I openly receive and accept the extraordinary relationship with my spouse, my own health, continuous peace and ease.” Whatever it is, talk to your subconscious letting it know that it’s safe and okay to accept what you desire so that you can experience higher levels of your potential without bumping up against a “false ceiling.” 
    5. Lean into the unfamiliar that comes with change. This task requires some commitment, so I’m making it your challenge for this week.

This week, focus on raising your current upper limit by 5% in one area of your life. Instead of stressing out your subconscious when it’s saying, “Hell no!” take that invisible ceiling that keeps you stagnant in an area you want to thrive more in. Maybe you allow for 5% more self-care, 5% more ease in your day, or 5% more harmony in your relationships. Consider what that additional 5% would look like in your chosen area. 5% change is an amount your subconscious can handle. 

So, what is your one area you’re going to focus on this week?

In this episode I share:

  • Recognizing your Upper Limit problem
  • Using four steps to get your brain on board to allow your next level of happiness and success  
  • Ending self-blame and re-circuiting your mind to receive more instead
  • Communicating with your brain in the way it understands
  • Overcoming a progress plateau in any category of work or life

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Rethinking Getting Things Done (4 Tools to Make Better Choices with Your Time)

Rethinking Getting Things Done (4 Tools To Make Better Choices With Your Time)

getting things done

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to stop being motivated solely to getting things done and 4 game-changing techniques to make better choices with your time.

Time management. It’s something we are all too familiar with. I’m sure that if you are reading this right now, you have at some point wondered and tried to figure out “How do I get it all done?”

Here’s a truth for you: the quest to get it all done is not only a high-pressure one, it’s impossible.

Instead, I want to show you how to shift the focus of that quest from a draining one destined for unhappiness to a more fulfilling one that allows you to make better choices with your time and shows you that you are enough no matter how much you get done.

This last month I went on a summer adventure with my son to Slovenia. If you’re like me, perhaps you haven’t heard of Slovenia (until I agreed to this trip). It’s a European country located between Croatia and Turkey. We arrived in the morning a bit jet-lagged and realized we couldn’t get into our hotel room for another 4 or 5 hours.

Conveniently enough, there was an old mini-golf place right outside the back of the hotel. Game on! 

I walked up to the man working the counter and said “Hi, can we get two rounds of golf?” 

He looked up with an unenthused expression at best and slowly said – in an annoyed tone – “First, it’s ‘Hello.’ Now, yes. You can buy two rounds.”

I walked away confused. Had I just been schooled by the mini-golf man? A friend with us assured me that I had not imagined it. I’d thought I’d said hi and she affirmed that I did. So, needless to say, I was taken by surprise and slightly irritated. I was the client after all, right?

All week, I just could not get my first introduction to a Slovenian man out of my mind. I later asked my husband – who travels more than I do – what had happened and he believed the Slovenian man was most likely irritated because I was being like most Americans: moving too fast. 

I replayed the incident back in my mind revisiting what I could have done to take things a bit slower. Throughout the rest of our trip, I remained aware of my pace in comparison to other Europeans. Not only did I not want to annoy more of them, but I was also genuinely curious. 

One day, my friend pointed out that we were the only people among the Europeans walking so fast to get somewhere. And she was right. We were basically power walking whereas no one else was. What was I doing? It was a vacation after all. Where others lingered next to the lake sunbathing, eating, or simply being, we were steadily progressing through activity after activity.

I realized how crazy we Americans must appear to them. 

What is underneath this fast pace of ours?

As I do with most things that don’t feel right, I started looking deeper into it. Here’s what I uncovered…

This fast pace that we’re accustomed to is the byproduct of the pursuit of getting things done. Its primary intent is to maximize productivity and cross things off the list, even in some cases when there is nothing to get done — as when you are waiting for a hotel room in a foreign country at the start of your vacation. 

This really got me thinking. How long have I worked and strived to master my time? How obsessed or passionate have I gotten with crossing things off my to-do list?

After more than half a century of trying and never getting it done, I realized that getting it all done is never going to happen. I won’t ever reach the level of control in my life that I’ve been aspiring to reach for years. But contrary to what you may believe, this realization did not make me more anxious. It did the exact opposite. I felt calm and free. This battle with time no longer existed.

The challenging question was no longer “How am I going to get it all done?” It was now “What do I want to do and what do I want to drop?”

The key to freeing yourself from this struggle and any of its associated anxiety is to accept this truth rather than resist it. We have to surrender to the reality that we can’t do it all and honestly, we aren’t meant to do it all. 

Our challenge isn’t about managing getting everything done or getting everything done that others want from us —-that’s never going to happen —- but to decide what not to do and feel at peace about not doing it.  That is what we need to become better at.

If you want to reconfigure your life around what matters, you have to have this mental mind shift first. Once you accept that and get comfortable with the freedom that it provides, I have 4 concrete practical techniques for a life of more meaning and less struggle:

Do what is most important to you first.

Schedule a meeting for the first hour of your day with yourself for your most important work. My clients refer to this as their (MIW) and protect it as you would an appointment with your most respected client. Leaving your most important work to the end of the day is never a good idea or the right approach.  

Focus on what you have done rather than what you haven’t.  

This technique has been particularly helpful for my clients. It is so easy for us to forget what we have successfully accomplished. Instead of ending your day in a place of lack, I encourage clients to create a list of all they have done.  While you may enjoy crossing things off your to-do list, this technique prompts you to move those same items to your “Done” list to celebrate and move your attention to abundance and success versus only placing your attention on what is missing or their failure to do yet.

Decide to do only 1-3 projects at a time.

Too often we have 7-10 projects going at once and we never complete any which contributes to the struggle and anxiety.  Instead, choose 1 to 3 projects to focus your time on and postpone all the rest until you complete those projects first.  

Create a “drop list.” 

This is the list of those things that you will temporarily or forever drop.  If you find that every year or every month you are writing down the same thing on your list, be willing to release it and drop it. 

When we drop the illusion that we might get to a place where we feel in control of our life – an actual impossibility – we let go of the fast pace and crazy struggle which leads to more self-judgment and shame when we fail. 

With this understanding, it became suddenly clear why anxiety hit new high levels during the pandemic. In an uncertain world that felt out of control, many of us worked even harder to control it. Then people felt defeated and hopeless which created more anxiety. The struggle was endless and I believe it has led to a high rate of anxiety and burnout.  

My dear wise aunt recently gifted me the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals which completely proved the theory that when the student is ready the teacher appears. 

In it, the author Oliver Burkeman states:

“What matters is learning to make decisions consciously rather than by default or deceiving yourself that with enough hard work you can get it all done.”  

Now, I have only read parts of this book so far, but if you feel like you are in a constant race, like there is never enough time, or you’re wondering if the work-life balance is real (which it is not) then I encourage you to check out Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. 

Before we wrap things up, I want you to know that later during the week of vacation with my son, we went back to play mini-golf and the same man was there again. I approached him and quite calmly said, “Hello.” I then paused, giving him time to respond.  “Hello,” he said in return.  Once our greetings were completed calmly on both ends, I asked for two rounds of golf.  He handed me two golf clubs and a ball and my son and I played.  I was civil, present, and calm.  Very different from my unconscious habit of being efficient in a culture that promotes efficiency and productivity I am used to. It felt good. It felt better. It was a perspective change and I had a choice on how I would show up. 

This week I encourage you to choose one of the four techniques I discussed and remember: we don’t have time to get it all done, but we have the time to get done what is important if only we choose it.

 

In this episode I share:

  • The life-changing lesson I was reminded of on a summer adventure with my son
  • The real reason why we’re constantly in a hurry and struggling to get it all done
  • 4 transformational techniques to help you get more of what matters done and reevaluate how you equate your worth with your productivity
  • What I believe has led to the uptick in anxiety and burnout throughout our experience in the pandemic
  • How to give yourself more credit and actually celebrate your wins

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Resolving conflict like a pro Playing Full Out Rita Hyland

Resolving Conflict Like a Pro

resolving conflict like a pro playing full out rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn 3 simple steps to show you how to use anger as a powerful tool and produce transformative, desired outcomes during conflict resolution. 

It happens to us all: someone treats us unfairly, our opinion is disregarded, we feel our contributions at work or home are undervalued. Slowly, and sometimes instantly, we become ANGRY. “How dare they!” we think to ourselves. Does this sound like a familiar, maybe even recurring experience for you? If so, I want to show you what you can do when you feel yourself getting angry at someone, how to use anger as a powerful tool, and what to do to transform that anger into positivity, productivity and peace.

A problem we all face in the world today is the presence of tons of reasons to feel triggered and angry.

We can find them in our news, politics, workplaces, communities, and maybe even in our families. Then, when we’re faced with so much anger, we inadvertently become angry, too. But, if all of us are in a triggered state feeling angry, how can we do the work that we need for conflict resolution?

One thing you might not know  I do in my work is conflict resolution in relationships. In fact, it’s a lot of what I do whether implicitly or explicitly. I am often called  to resolve conflicts between a manager and an employee, partners at a firm, department heads, and even between spouses. In most cases, the hurt, judgment, blame, and anger in these situations is high.  It’s common then for both parties to get ensnared by anger. But why? Why is there so much anger?

Our anger is a form of protection for when we feel threatened.

Our body is doing what it is inherently called to do. It triggers our sympathetic nervous system to fight, flee, or freeze in order to save us. Which of these three coping mechanisms we choose is usually determined by what worked for us at a younger point in our lives. When something works for us, we repeat it.  Eventually it becomes an automatic response —  an immediate reaction that shows up whenever we get angry.

Here’s where the problem shows up – when we react with anger, blame, and indignation, we end up either destroying relationships and opportunities or severely impeding their growth.  Anger also comes with a significant cost to our health in the form of anxiety, high blood pressure, and heart attacks – just to name a few. 

How can you become better at navigating your anger rather than being sabotaged by it?

Believe it or not, you can learn how to turn anger into positive energy through a proven 3-step emotionally intelligent process.  It’s one that differentiates the evolved, self-aware individual and leader from others. Let’s get into the steps.

Be curious. Not furious.

Lead with curiosity. When you’re feeling hurt, try to slow down your reaction. Instead of throwing anger and blame, be curious and begin to ask questions seeking to find something you didn’t know. Did someone cut you off in traffic triggering your road rage? Slow down and curiously ask yourself, “I wonder why he’s driving so fast…” What am I missing? What am I not seeing adequately? What may I not be considering? What else do I need to know here?

When you start by making assumptions, your own preconceived notions about how they are reacting to you are actually influencing how those people react. Believe it or not, you are actually much more in control of the responses you’re getting. If you change your perspective and think about things differently, 9 times out of 10, you’re going to get different responses, reactions, and results.

Assume positive intention.

Especially until you know otherwise. Give the opportunity for someone else to be heard for their intentions and to be seen accurately as opposed to what your primal angry, protective, threatened brain is conjuring up in a moment where it feels under siege.

Choose to connect.

Share something about you with the person you’re angry with that they might not know. Show your humanity. Be emotionally honest. What happens in the Law of Reciprocity is that what we give, someone else wants to respond in kind. So, if you’re choosing to connect, to be human, to be emotionally honest, it’s likely you are going to get the same thing back in return. This is how you begin to have more power over creating peace than you’ve previously recognized or owned. 

You can be passionate and defend your position down to the death, but the wisest know when to end the attack and anger and begin to be curious.  The wisest know when to see the humanity in the other person, to give them compassion and empathy. 

When you’re angry, be sure to discern whether you’re spending your energy wisely or getting caught up in an exhausting spiral of resistance just for the sake of being angry. 

Some of the best advice for living an open-hearted life and becoming a conflict resolution master is to remember a quote from Socrates: 

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. 

 

If you choose to operate from this mindset, you’ll find yourself always in a state of being curious. You’ll drop the assumptions that are evoking the negative, undesired behaviors from others. You’ll start asking questions, having more compassion, and naturally engage and connect with others showing them your own humanity. 

The bottom line is that anger is not a bad emotion. It is a messenger that is absolutely necessary at times to keep us safe and alive. Too often, however, we believe there are things threatening our existence that really aren’t. Instead, they may simply be threatening our ego  or maybe our reputation.  

If you find that anger is preventing a deal from going through, a team’s best production, you getting promoted, or a relationship with a family member thriving, begin repeating to yourself the mantra, “Be curious, not furious.” Your results will change each and every time. You’ll also improve your status as a leader, parent, spouse, and friend. 

In this episode I share:

  • Real-world examples of how anger triggers us and leads us to immediately react in destructive ways
  • What anger really is and why it’s important in our lives
  • My go-to transformational 3-step process to shift your immediate reaction to anger into a mindful state of curiosity that turns around conflict and creates positive, desired outcomes
  • The emotionally intelligent behavior that differentiates evolved, self-aware individuals and leaders from angry individuals who unwittingly sabotage and destroy relationships and opportunities

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Leading from a Heart at Peace Playing Full Out with Rita Hyland

Leading From a Heart at Peace

Podcast episode title graphic: Leading From a Heart at Peace Playing Full Out with Rita Hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn what your exceptional solutions to daily problems are missing and what you must do BEFORE your best ideas are ever heard by people at work, at home, and in all areas of your life.

This may be a tough question, but have you ever found yourself wondering why are people not listening to your super strategy? Maybe you’ve offered several stellar solutions at work and are even delivering high performance, but you’re still not being advanced?  Or maybe you’ve told your kids exactly what they need to do to clean up after themselves at home, but nothing’s changing. If you know you can solve a big issue with a great solution, but you’re finding resistance from others, you’re in the right place.

Here’s the thing: it’s likely not that your solutions aren’t great. The problem is actually a common one I see with many top talented individuals when it comes to solving problems at home, at work, and in other areas of their lives.

THE PROBLEM

Too often the problem begins in our approach to solving a problem. We tend to approach problems with a mindset that believes that not only does the problem need to be fixed, but so does the other person. When we approach others as something that needs to be corrected, we’re leading from what is called a “Heart at War.” 

We feel we know better, that we are better, and that we deserve better. We then approach the other person from a place that’s filled with judgment, self-righteousness, and close-mindedness. A Heart at War sees others as “the problem.” Others are the roadblock on the path to the clear solution and are something that needs to be fixed – just like the problem.

This mindset approach immediately blocks our solutions from working. At best, the solution is diminished. At worst, the problem is dismissed.  As a result, we continue the circle of blame, justification, and disdain. 

THE SOLUTION

Instead of a Heart at War, we need to lead from a Heart at Peace. Let me explain what this means.

When leading from a Heart at War, we’re in judgment and we lead with “I’m better” thoughts. 

When leading from a Heart at Peace, we see the other person simply as a person, not as something broken that needs to be fixed. We see them as a person who’s just like us with real concerns, needs, ideas, and solutions. We’re interested in them, we’re curious, and we’re open-minded. 

WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT

If we’re leading with a Heart at War, it doesn’t matter how great our solutions to problems are – the solutions will fail every time.

Whether it’s at home or work, peace is only capable when an intelligent solution is connected to a peaceful inner strategy. This concept comes from two of my favorite books by The Arbinger Institute that I highly recommend: 

As a leader, it’s no longer enough to find the right solution and simply “get it done.” It doesn’t matter how good your strategy is, how productive you are, or how top tier talent you are. You can be the most intelligent leader in the world with access to the best consultants, therapists, and solutions money can bring. But, if your approach is always beginning from a Heart at War, your solutions will go nowhere. 

HOW TO LEAD WITH A HEART AT PEACE

The key to getting your solutions across, to being heard at work, to getting your college daughter to clean up after herself (speaking from personal experience here) is to pair your five-star solutions and strategies with inner peace. It’s important that you have peace within yourself before moving to find peace outside with others. Here are some ways to get there.

Always Be Aware

When you find yourself blaming others, justifying, or feeling the need to correct or fix another, these are all signs of a Heart at War. Unless we’re aware of a problem, we can’t fix a problem. What’s also important is becoming aware of the fact that there’s something underlying the problem.

See the Other Person as a Person – Not something that’s broken

Are you seeing the other person as an object or as a person just like yourself who’s wanting to find a proper solution? In every moment, in every interaction, determine how you are seeing the other person. It’s often when we feel justified that another person is the threat to our solution that we judge them, see them as less than ourselves, and believe they need to be corrected. 

To dive deeper into the concept of this second step, I highly recommend reading Leadership and Deception by The Arbinger Society. 

Move Your Vantage Point

Begin to consider the challenges this person (or persons) is having in this situation. What pain are they experiencing in their own world? Be curious about their worries and their concerns. Although we start to pit ourselves against each other, we’re often all on the same team. 

Ask Yourself This Question

Honestly say, “When have I done what I’m judging the other person for?” This is what I instantly go to. This question is an immediate way to shift a Heart at War. You’ll find it quickly humbles the ego and brings in compassion for the other person.

Lastly, Take Action

It’s not easy to really be conscious of and to call ourselves out on our own stuff. It takes a self-aware person with their own inner peace and their genuine interest in lifting other people up to really solve problems. 

 

THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE

Notice a place where you’re leading with a Heart at War. Where are you judging someone or a group of people? Over this next week, practice approaching that problem with a Heart at Peace instead. Approach the problem with interest, genuinely caring for the other person or persons, and assume their positive intent.

Again I say, it does not matter just that you get it done. If you’re a leader, it matters how you got there. When you show up at your best, you put down your need to be right. You release blaming, indignation, and your need for vindication to replace a Heart at War with a Heart at Peace.

 

Tune into this episode of Playing Full Out to learn how to implement this unique differentiator in problem solving and the anatomy of peace.

 

In this episode I share:

    • The #1 reason why people at work, at home, and in life aren’t listening to your exceptional solutions and the unique solution to getting your ideas heard
    • The story of a Black man and a KKK member who exemplified this exact strategy and shifted from an interaction of potential hatred and war to a peaceful, collaborative friendship
    • Why we so often remain mired in our problems even when we have exceptional solutions
    • A personal story of leading with a Heart at War in my own home and how I used this exact technique to shift the outcome of this recurring problem

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

how to boost your patience enrgy progress and do the best work of your career playing full out rita hyland

How To Boost Your Patience, Energy, and Progress So You Do the Best Work Of Your Career

blog graphic displaying podcast title: how to boost your patience energy and progress so you do the best work of your career playing full out with rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to boost your patience, joy, and purpose-driven work so that you bring your masterpiece to life. By using this strategy, you will truly help a whole lot more people as you do the best work of your career.

Recently I was speaking to a client named Tom. Tom is a goal-oriented, productivity-minded, high-achiever who continuously strives to improve his productivity and efficiency. Yet when it came time for Tom to be promoted, he was passed over.  

When I first met Tom he was frustrated, to say the least. Tom had been successfully leading a team and couldn’t understand what exactly was holding him back. So, he wanted to work with me to figure it out and be able to accomplish and impact even more.

As I listened, I could tell he was a top-talent employee, but something was missing and it wasn’t a lack of stress and frustration. He wasn’t reaching his goal as partner fast enough and was frustrated that people who were, frankly, not as intelligent as he had passed him by.  

I asked Tom some questions to explore what his relationships and interactions with others looked like.  I noticed they seemed more like transactions than interactions.  It was clear that Tom’s attention was focused on accomplishing and achieving  – the faster the better — and then getting the next thing accomplished.  

We all do this at some point.

It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of our daily work and life. People are expecting things from us, we have responsibilities, we feel like we are in a race against the clock, and the days and weeks just become a blur. Our life’s focus becomes all about getting it done and how efficient we can be in the process. This is particularly the case for left-brain dominant high-performers (like Tom) who pride themselves on productivity and accomplishment. 

What Tom had forgotten was the mission behind what he was doing. He insisted that all he wanted to do was be able to help more people, but his actions reflected something different. 

He began to notice how his loss of patience and his approach to work was negatively impacting his reaching the next level. He had been over-valuing what he accomplished and under-valuing who he was “being” as he did it. 

I presented the opportunity for a much simpler solution. I asked Tom to consider setting a very deliberate new intention for his day-to-day interactions that would take him in a new direction.  

Here is the approach I asked Tom to consider: be on a mission to bring joy and serve one person at a time, one interaction at a time, one day at a time.  

Too often our intentions in this goal-driven society are to “get it done.” Our days become purely transactional until we notice we are exhausted, frustrated, and unfulfilled.  Perhaps the worst part is that the experience is anything but joyful, and the stressed-out state limits the creativity you need to build your masterpiece!

So, again here is the approach that will elevate your patience, your energy, and your productivity: be on a mission to bring joy and serve every single day. 

When you understand your mission and deliberately set an intention to bring joy and serve each person in each moment, you will build your masterpiece and impact a whole lot of people!  You won’t have to race to accomplish it either! As you know, masterpieces take time. When we begin one person at a time, one interaction at a time, that impact will ripple out and you will succeed at your work and life’s greatest mission.

 

THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE

Set your intention for the next two weeks to truly help others moment to moment in each interaction you are in. Whether that’s checking out at the grocery store, sitting down to write your next email, or interacting with an upset customer or colleague, bring joy and serve. That is the purpose of life and the reason you are here.

 

Tune into this episode of Playing Full Out to reassess the mission you’re truly operating from and set the intention that will change everything and get you closer to your masterpiece with ease and joy. 

 

In this episode I share:

    •  A simple game-changing approach that will boost your patience and energy especially when things don’t seem to be moving fast enough 
    • An easy way to know if your interactions with others are more like transactions and how to change that
    • What many high-performers forget about their work and a brain-based tool to use so that you don’t
    • The #1 thing  those who create great things and impact a whole lot of people always have in the front of their mind 
    • The story of a top-talent client, Tom, who even though he was ‘getting it all done’ and ‘doing it all right,’ still wasn’t making the progress he wanted and how he changed that.  

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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