Episode 8 Re-program Your Mind

11 Things I’ve Learned About Business and Life Since I Graduated College

Episode 8 Re-program Your Mind

I have been in a reflective state over the past month– watching the kids end another school year, celebrating my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary, and speaking at my 25th college reunion.  I’ve thought about the things I’ve learned about life and business since school.  The things that I see have taken me closer to experiencing my purpose and a more fulfilling life.  These same things are also the ones that I need to work from more consistently.  We’re never done learning until we die.  Some are simple, but I’ve learned never to misinterpret simple for insignificant.

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

Here are 11 things I’ve learned about life and business since I left school…

  1. Check Your Story. Perhaps the greatest contribution of this last generation, is what brain science, Eastern philosophy, spirituality and physics are all confirming. Your reality is based on the story you tell yourself. Whatever we tell our brain, it will seek to make it right. The biggest problem responsible for holding back countless careers, relationships, creative endeavors, and life aspirations, are the stories we aren’t even aware we’re telling ourselves. “It’s a battle out there,” “it’s getting harder to make money in this industry,” “teenagers are difficult,” “the world is a mess,” “if I lose my anxiety I’ll lose my edge.” These are some of the common stories I hear. When we feed our subconscious mind, which is our powerhouse, with these stories, the mind seeks to confirm it is right. In every second we receive 11 million bits of stimuli, but our brain can only process 40 bits per second. The 40 bits it processes are those we tell it to look for. Write a story that works for you and is based in your inspiration not in your fear. Our life expands to the extent of the story we tell.
  2. Move beyond the pleasing, performing and perfecting as soon as you can. I’ve already spent too much of my life caring about getting it right for others before myself. What about you? When I finally got my first taste of giving back to others the right to feel what they wanted about me, it felt like I had been liberated from years in the winter of Siberia. Living fully is about no longer dancing to please others. There is a ton of freedom that comes from detaching from what other’s think. Does the aiming to please still creep up? Absolutely. Does my reptilian brain want to take over my life sometimes? Absolutely. The key is not about perfection, it’s that I see it now when it’s happening so I can pull myself out of it. It’s a daily awareness. Your job is to reduce the lag time between feeling the pull to seek approval and making a truer and inspired choice of your own.
  3. Be critical of your opinions. Nothing is a fact unless you find evidence to confirm it. I was reflecting back to my senior year in college. I had this incredible professor in world history, his name is Professor Ditmer, and he was one of the school’s great professors. He had been in the civil rights movement and participated in the marches. What I appreciated about him, was that he really tried to deliver the facts. He didn’t want to put his slant or overlay his opinions on his lectures.

Early in the semester Professor Ditmer let us know we’d be writing a paper on the topic of the Vietnam War. The day came that he assigned the class one of two thesis.  One half was defend that the U.S. should have gone to war and the other half was to prove that we should never have been in the Vietnam War. He assigned me to write the latter: we never should have been in the Vietnam War.  As the daughter of a Vietnam Veteran who had been on the front lines, I knew for a “fact”, or so I thought in my small mind, that we should have gone to the Vietnam War. That’s what I had learned and heard all my life.

What I discovered by writing that paper, was absolutely fascinating and has changed the way I approach things. When I was critical of my own opinions I could see the reasons for the opposing viewpoint I’d had my whole life. I got an A+ on writing the paper from the opposite of the long standing opinion that I had held. Nothing is a fact, it’s an interpretation.  Don’t borrow your beliefs, challenge yourself and be critical of your opinions because you just might learn something.

  1. Be a giver. In relationships there are three kinds of people: The Givers, The Matchers and The Takers. The Givers give 100%; they give to serve. The Matchers, they give at 50% and expect something in return. The Takers, they just take. “You get what you give.” It is probably the most repeated line I use in my home. In the corporate world I see its application as well. I see senior leaders act unilaterally or be immersed with their worlds and they wonder why team members don’t have their back. Karma, in ancient Sanskrit means “boomerang,” you don’t need to be concerned when it’s coming back to you or how. Just know it will. Be a giver and give generously.
  2. Stand up for the less powerful. How you treat the flight attendant matters to me. Speak up, have boundaries, and when someone’s crossed them, let them know. Recently, a senior leader, told me his son was being bullied at school.  The father asked me if I thought his advice to his son which was not to come home until he hit this bully back was sound.

Before I was able to respond on what I thought about the advice, my first question was, “where are the other kids? Why isn’t someone standing up for him?” They’re not because they don’t see their parents doing it. Use your voice when you see a team member being berated by a boss, or a colleague make an offensive comment, or you see someone not treat the staff well. The words I use are, “not on my watch,” “that’s not acceptable,” “this doesn’t work for me,” “this isn’t how we roll in this house,” “you’re out of line.” Make sure you stand up for the less powerful so that your kid will help the other kid that’s being bullied on the playground or in the lunchroom. Use your voice. Be willing to get involved. The next generation will learn from our example.  We’ll all live in a kinder and gentler society when we do.

  1. See through the eyes of another. Be curious. Be interested instead of interesting. Stephen Covey’s fifth habit in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, is to “seek to understand first, then to be understood.”

The best three questions to ask yourself as a leader, parent, or human being who seeks to positively influence anyone are:

  1. What is the other person worried, concerned, or afraid about?
  2. How am I unwittingly contributing to this worry?
  3. How can I alleviate their fear?

Brain science has shown us that when a mind is negative or stressed, it is never going to be as intellectual, or creative, or effective at problem-solving. In all categories, performance goes down.

Don’t ask a kid or an adult, why they did something. Ask them what caused them to do it?  Bad behavior and poor performance is often a result of fear.  Seek to reduce the amount of fear in the world by bringing your patience and love to the game as opposed to throwing more fear and anger back at another. Check your ego and, again, be interested in seeing through the lens of another. Practice with your children to help them do that too. A person who is stressed is always going to show up at a fraction of their best, so seek to alleviate an individual’s fear and you will have the key to unlocking their potential.

  1. Be vision driven instead of circumstance driven. What I mean is that when you are working from your current circumstances, you create your current circumstances. This is how patterns are created. Einstein said, you can’t solve a problem from the same level of thinking that got you there. Your current level of thinking got you into your current problem, and it’s not going to be able to get you out of it. Raise your thoughts. Currently, when we seek to hit our goals, we do it from a very backwards strategy. We start at A and we seek to get to B. When we do this we are often starting with our current circumstances which is often a lack of time, lack of energy, a lack of money, or a fear of something. If you go to point B and you start operating, behaving and feeling as if what you want is already achieved, you will begin to operate from habits of behavior that will get you to your vision.
  2. Name the elephant in the room. Be a bullshit-free zone. It’s ironic, I think, as a recovering people pleaser, that I make my living saying what others won’t say. I got my first taste of this just out of college when I was with a female icon who always operated in a bullshit-free zone. It was the late former First Lady Barbara Bush. She had come to speak. I was a student trustee at the time and got the pleasure to meet her at the reception. There were three of us talking; Barbara Bush, myself and an esteemed trustee. The trustee made an inappropriate comment, and instantly Barbara looked at him with her strong eyes and said tersely, “That is the most chauvinist thing I’ve ever heard.” She continued to tell him why his comment was out of line.  (She was actually defending me.) The lesson I learned: step over nothing. Call it when you see it. By bringing the dark into the light, we can begin to change it.
  3. Be real. If you haven’t heard it yet, vulnerable is the new strong. How many of us want to hear from those who are ready to tell their vulnerable, real story? When I ask that question in a group and then ask how many want to do it themselves, the hands go down. Being real and being vulnerable, ironically mean tearing down the walls that we spent the first half of our life putting up to protect us. It’s hard to realize that the very things that protected us — following the rules, being appropriate, aiming to please, or quieting our voice to keep us safe –keep us now from being our best parents, being the best of friends, and being great leaders. It is irresistibly attractive to be real and authentic. It takes a strong person to be able to show their weakness.
  4. Be someone’s believing eyes. Nobody can succeed more than another believes in him. Whenever you’re speaking with another, whether they’re young or old, in your office or your family room, speak to the highest within them. When your child makes a mistake, or gets caught smoking something you smoked 30 years ago, speak to the person you see him or her capable of becoming. Don’t speak to them from their circumstances. Speak to the person you see they can be.

One of my greatest gifts in life are those who have patiently held the light for me until I was ready to turn the light switch on.

They convinced me I could turn it on.  Then they held the light and waited until I did.  I now devote my life to holding that vision for individuals, leaders and companies to fulfill their highest vision and purpose. I am so grateful that someone else did it for me.  Be a believer in the highest vision of others.

  1. Make a living doing what you love. What’s the work you can not do? If you don’t know or you’re protected mind won’t let you go there, ask yourself a different question. What’s the work when you’re in a rocking chair with a blanket on your lap towards the end of your life that you will regret you didn’t do or at least attempt?

I spent the first years doing what I thought I should on the most conservative street, in the most conservative company, on the most conservative floor, with my blue suit on, and now I’m an entrepreneur and a business owner in an alternative career.

Whatever job you do, be in the business of lifting people up. If you want to build your business, see how you can serve others. In fact, I found this helpful: drop the word “achievement” and replace it with “contribution.”  In your business, work from the place of how many people can I help today? When you seek to serve from the place of serving, you’re business will thrive. Our highest needs are to connect and contribute. When you are connecting and contributing your life is met with both success and fulfillment.

Resources:

Subscribe on iTunes for more tips, tools and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

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About Rita Hyland

As a Business and Life Coach, Rita works with highly motivated professionals who, despite their level of success and achievements, are not happy or satisfied. Often, they’re “successful” by traditional standards, yet unfulfilled based on their own. They know they want more and are ready to have it.

Get the “Playing Full Out Accelerator” ™ – Four Steps to Identify, Plan & Take the Leap to Your Optimal Vision of Work & Home…Without the Second Guessing.

>> Click here for your FREE guide! <<

Rita Hyland is host of the “Playing Full Out” podcast, where you’ll discover tips to break through the personal and professional barriers in a hectic world that are preventing you from leading your optimal vision of life at work and home. This is the podcast for passionate life travelers and leaders who want to live a deliberate, confident and fulfilling life, and change the world while they do.

Episode 7 Boundaries

Identifying and Holding Your Boundaries With Less Struggle

Episode 7 Boundaries
What are boundaries, why are they important? How do we establish them, and what do we do when our boundaries are pushed?

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

Boundaries shape our destiny. They determine what we accept into our lives and what we don’t. They are our yes’s and no’s.  Whether that’s in our families, in our homes, in our relationships, or in the organizations we lead.  Whether we have weak or strong boundaries it can determine the trajectory of our life.

What I’ve noticed is that despite their significance, our society is not good at establishing nor holding onto their boundaries when someone comes up to the line and attempts or does cross them.  Most recently I’ve seen this most demonstrated in our workplaces.

Last week I worked with three senior executives from three different organizations who asked me a very similar question. The gist of each question was that a colleague or colleagues had asked each executive to take on something that each disagreed with.

  • One leader disagreed because the team had addressed the same problem with the same solution to no avail before.  He saw it as an exercise in futility and lack of imagination.
  • Another felt that the direction ran against what the team had previously decided were their key initiatives in the next 3-6 months.
  • The third had been asked to follow a party line he didn’t feel comfortable touting.

All items crossed what these individuals valued, believed or thought correct.  All disagreed with the requests internally.  But here’s the thing.  They all said “yes” anyway.

The question is why do we say “yes” when we mean “no?”

Why we allow others desires or values dominate our own?  The obvious reasons are we want people to like us.  We don’t want to disappoint, make people angry, or enter or further a conflict that already exists.

So, what do we do? We abdicate. We abort. We let people step over our boundaries. This cost is great. I watch intelligent and talented leaders become bitter, resentful, drained and frustrated because they are out of self integrity.  Self integrity is when what we say, feel, think and do don’t aren’t congruent.  Then we get irritated and blame others.

Too many smart individuals are letting others make choices regarding their life due to their willingness and ability to say “no.”  In short, they give their power away.  Often it is because we don’t have the courage or know how to say “no” with grace in a conversation.

Identifying your “Hell Yes” and your “Hell no.”

The key to holding boundaries is to know what it is you stand for. Not just knowing what you are against, but what you are for as well.

I hear people say all the time, I’m against adding more to my client load, I am against doing the redundant, I’m against non-productive meetings. But what I hear missing is what am I for.  You can’t hit a target you can’t see.

Think of this: if you could truly be excellent at only one thing, what would that be?  By knowing this, your future decisions are easier.  Know what’s most important right now.

Greg McKeown in his book Essentialism asks you to ask yourself, “Is this a hell yes or hell no?”

If we don’t know what we are for or what we want, it’s easy to say yes when we mean no. If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else is going to do it for you, and you might not like the way they do it.

So how do you move from being stressed out and struggling as a result of weak boundaries, to moving confidently and with ease by creating healthy ones?

First step, slow down.  I recall Oprah Winfrey saying long ago, doubt means don’t.  If you feel doubt, then don’t say yes. Instead, request more time to reflect and get clear.  One of my favorite Chinese proverbs is “Muddy water, let stand, gets clear.”

One practical way to slow down is to ask for more time on the decision.  You can say,  “I want to make sure if I commit that I can do it.  I need to get back to you before I can commit.”    Then ask this series of questions.

Second step, “Is this a true choice for me?” Meaning, am I making this decision because I think I should, or because I’m afraid someone won’t agree or like me? If it’s the latter, then ask yourself what is a truer choice? In other words, what’s the most honest and authentic choice – for me? Consider what brings you joy, what energizes you and fills your tank.

Step three, change your mindset.  Most of think of boundaries equating with elimination or loss.  Instead think boundaries equal freedom…the freedom to do what is important to us, the freedom to be who we are, the freedom to be committed to a higher level of relationship.

Research shows those who have strong boundaries are more loving than those who do not. They have more space in their life to show up and help others.

Take back your power. Detaching from what others think about us is not always easy, but indeed the reward is priceless.

Challenge yourself to define what you stand for and what you can say “no” to this week.  Enjoy the freedom at work and home that your “no” creates.

Resources:

Subscribe on iTunes for more tips, tools and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Episode-6-1-thing-sales

The #1 Thing Sales Performers Must Do To Expand Their Bottom Lines

Episode-6-1-thing-sales

Today we’re discussing increasing sales performance and business development in ways that most of us have never been taught. This is the #1 thing sales professionals must do to significantly increase their bottom line.

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

I was recently talking to a gentleman, Matt, who explained he was behind on his annual sales goal. He was frustrated and disappointed and desperately trying to figure out what to do next. As we talked, he told me he did not have enough time to do the preparation for prospecting or networking meetings and that it was getting increasingly harder for him to get in front of his prospects for industry specific reasons.

This scenario is not unique to him.  He — like many sales professionals I see – operate from a place that has many of them capped from peak performance AND confused about how to reach the next level without putting in additional hours of grit and grind.

In short, they have a story that runs in opposition to their goal.  “Sales are hard.” “I don’t have the time.” “The industry is disrupted.” “The economy is not in our favor.”  What they don’t realize is that their power house (their subconscious mind) is unwittingly seeking to affirm the story they are telling.

Their subconscious mind doesn’t talk them out of their order.  It says, “yes, yes, yes” and tries to fill the order.  And because our will power is not as strong as our subconscious mind, no amount of hustle (or next new strategy, waking up earlier, time management class) can out-perform these sales stories.

To explain this more, Matt’s story was operating from a limited paradigm commonly known as HAVE – DO –BE.  That is, when I have more, (fill in the blank:  time, money, energy or support), then I will be able to DO X for my business so that I can BE more successful or happy.

This method of operating relies on circumstances. When we operate from our circumstances, we repeat our circumstances.  When we accept this we remain stuck.

If you try to create from your old stories, you can only make choices based on the old stories’ limitations.

Einstein said you can’t solve a problem from the same level it was created.  In order to significantly change or improve your current circumstances, you must raise your level of thought.  You do this by approaching your problem from a higher perspective.

Cue Entrance:  The paradigm from which top performing sales professionals operate is… BE –DO—HAVE.  That is, when you BE in ways congruent with your outcome, then you will DO the behaviors to HAVE the level of success or achievement you want.

What this means is we must operate from the identity of the person who has already achieved the outcome we desire.  Operate from your vision.  In other words be vision-driven. Not circumstance-driven.

When I asked Matt how he thought a $1,000,000 generating sales performer would be, what he would do, and how we would feel, he said, “That’s easy.  I see him. He’s confident.  Stands tall.  Eager to jump in. He asks for what he wants. He delegates. Communicates to his team.  Has little to no self-doubt.  He takes risks and doesn’t let much bother him.”

Then I asked, “Is that how you operate?”  His defeated, “Huh, not at all,” identified his real obstacle to higher performance.

While he said he wanted to be the next $1,000,000 generator, his ways of being, doing and feeling were not congruent with that.  Instead, he said he was stalling on decisions, constantly worried about his financial picture and spent time wondering what might go wrong.  He realized most of his focus was on what he didn’t want to run into rather than what he wanted.  As a result, he said he was often in the weeds at work, navigating from his current ‘urgent’ circumstances.

Here’s an example to understand the BE-DO-HAVE concept further. Research has shown that 70% of lottery winners go broke two to three years after they win millions of dollars. Why? The reason is because they have not taken on the ways of being of a wealthy person. They are not operating from the identity of a wealthy person and, therefore, their behaviors run against being able to even maintain what has fallen in their lap.

It’s not a secret.  It’s physics.  It’s called the sympathetic response.  If you have two pianos in a room and you hit the key on one piano, that same key will vibrate on the other piano.  Why?  Because both pianos’ strings are vibrating with the same energy and frequency.

Everything is energy.  The piano and you are energy.  Make sure your frequency (a result of who you are being, doing and feeling) is in tune with your vision and what you want.  Raise your frequency to be there in advance of the achievement of your goal.

The key to achieving whatever sales number it is you desire (and this obviously goes way beyond achieving sales as you may see) is to operate as if your goal has already been achieved.  Be vision driven instead of circumstance driven.

Action Step:  Ask yourself this question and write down your answer…

“Who would I BE, what would I DO and
how would I FEEL if I already achieved X?”

Then move throughout your day from that frequency or identity.

If you are looking for a challenge, do something that reflects your success is inevitable.  A demonstration of sorts.  Hire an additional team member.  Pull the trigger on the car you’ve been wanting to buy.  Say ‘yes’ to attend an event or meeting you are not prepared for.  This sends a message to your subconscious mind that you’ve got this.  Brain science has shown your brain will seek and (this is key) create evidence to confirm you are right.  Your results will follow.

***

What’s my story costing me?

I recently did the math with a man who was making $200,000 a year and couldn’t break through this number despite the new strategies and trainings he seemed to employ for the last three years.

We looked at his story.  He said, “Sales are so hard.”  Ultimately, his story was that the only way to sell more was to work more hours.  He knew he wasn’t willing to do that due to his young family.

We reworked his story to reflect that “sales are easy.”  I asked him to bring me evidence the next time we met that this was truer than his old story.  A year later he’d earned over $300,000.  That additional $100,000 over this young man’s next 20 years of work is $2 million.  The cost of his old story…$2,000,000.

Reaching for the stars in your sales world is not about ego.  It’s about service.  You have the answer to somebody’s deepest needs and desires.  You playing from a half version of you doesn’t serve the world. You are ready to create ripples. Identify your sales story.  Rewrite it to benefit you.  Then operate your BEing as though your success has already been achieved.

As for a new sales story how about, “It is my responsibility to sell what I have to offer.”  Now that’s a good story!

You’ve got this!

~Rita xo

Resources:

Subscribe on iTunes for more tips, tools and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Episode-5-Bad-Things-Happen

What To Do When Bad Things Happen

Episode-5-Bad-Things-Happen

What happens when it seems like things just can’t go right? Or when it feels like the world is piling on? What do you do when you feel attacked, perhaps metaphorically or even literally, by people or events or maybe even an institution? How do you not simply survive these experiences, but convert them and thrive instead? In this discussion Rita discusses what to do when bad things happen and shares her own recent attack. 

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

If you talked to me in January, I was smitten with a memoir written by Dr. Edith Eger, The Choice.  I’m inspired by  individuals who transcend some type of personal pain or hurt and are able to not only use it but catapult from it.

Edith Eger is a 90-year-old Holocaust survivor of the Auschwitz camp.  She’s often referred to as the Anne Frank who didn’t die, because both young girls were about the same age when they were deported to the camps. Edith survived and then became a psychologist to help others. In this book she describes her life before, during, and after her experience in the concentration camps.

The part that most intrigued me is what she uncovered on her ongoing road to healing from the atrocities she was exposed to.

Today we’ll discuss how to know when we may unwittingly be playing the role of victim. We’ll also discuss what to do when we know events or people have a hold on us, but don’t know how to extract ourselves from the feelings of victimhood.    

We can’t escape pain, but we can escape long term suffering. Pain happens, suffering is a choice.

Early in the book Edith makes the distinction between victimization and victimhood. She says there’s a choice between the two. Victimization is caused by circumstances, people, or institutions that are outside of us— things over which we have no control. Victimhood happens from the inside.  It occurs when we choose to hold on to our victimization.

We’re all likely to be victimized in some way in the course of our lives.  It can be the bully at school. It can be the raging spouse. It can be the abusive member of the family. It can be the lover who cheats. It can be an accident that happens to us. It can be an attack. These things happen.  It’s called life.

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No one can make you a victim but you.

But you have a choice of whether or not you are going to be a victim to these  people, experiences, or circumstances.

How do you know you are being a victim? And what to do so you are not held hostage?

One way to help yourself convert bad experiences is to ask the question, “What do I need to do to be at  peace if the situation never changes?”  The question beckons us to not rely on fixing the external environment, but instead to shift our internal story or interpretation of it.

At our most organic state, we are peaceful beings. When we leave that state, our job is to consciously break free and return back to that peaceful, centered state—regardless of circumstances.  It is only from that place that we are able to become the people we are here to be.

I have had bad experiences that seemed to happen one after the other of late.  People have asked, “Wow, how can you move through that? How does that happen to just one person? How do you traverse with grace and ease?” One of the most important paradigms of thinking that supports me to navigate when the world is piling on, is to trust that there must be some opportunity before me.  I believe everything is happening to support my evolvement.  These moments don’t always feel good, but there is peace in my faith that I am supported by something larger even in the difficult moments.  

The questions to convert your pain to meaning:

  • How does this struggle have meaning?
  • What is the opportunity, even in the difficulty?
  • How, in a strange way, is this working out perfectly for my well-being?

This past January I was attacked by two men.  One grabbed me from behind and spun me around. It was then that I saw the second man with a face mask and hat.  I can’t tell you all of the details of what they said or did. My body had a very primal, instinctive desire for self-preservation.  I focused all my resources on screaming and being heard. Getting help was my only hope. Fortunately, I was finally heard by a another man who came running. The two attackers took off in a car.  

In the days and weeks since I’ve used these questions to help me heal and re-write what could be a story that could hold me in victimhood.  For example, I could begin making life choices for myself and family based on that singular event. I could tell myself that “my kids could be next.”  “This world is in bad shape.” “I must move from connecting with others to protecting myself from others.”

In my reflection, instead, I’ve found meaning in the chaos and it helps me step up and out. For example, through my own process of healing I am learning the power of the brain and how to re-train it at a deeper level than I have preciously known.  It’s been the catalyst for bolder living, deeper work with my clients and those I lead, as well as solidifying my direction and purpose. Knowing I could die also reminded me how temporary my time is here. I’m more present and give more hugs as a result.

I will not sugar-coat it.  I don’t believe in putting whipped cream on garbage.  The event was not positive nor easy.  I’ve had moments since where I am triggered and sent back to that frightening event.  I’ve screamed anxiously in front of my daughters in Nordstrom’s when a woman opened a bathroom door.  I’ve been startled and, in turn, scared two little old ladies who ‘snuck’ up on me in a parking lot. On more than one occasion I’ve been jolted and terrified by the shadow of my coat when walking alone.  I am still choosing for the event to be meaningful. Painful as it and the events after have been, I am stronger, wiser, and more loving today as a result.

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You must process your experiences.
You must feel your feelings.
You must never stay a victim.

Here are some things I’ve learned following the experience:

  1. Your body is amazing at being able to protect you. It will send the message when it is compromised:  “ALERT. ALERT. ALERT. Send all of my available resources to get me out of this situation alive.”  If you’ve ever had that dream that nothing comes out of your mouth when you scream, I’m hear to share…it will.
  2. Instead of asking “Why me?” ask “What now?”  We all have stories of victimization.  Ask the better question.
  3. Never diminish or discount your pain. If you’ve ever said, “This isn’t the biggest deal, because another person is going through  something more profound than what I’m experiencing,” you’re still playing the role of a victim.  Never deny your pain.
  4. Witness and feel your feelings.  Talk, write, scream, cry, shake, laugh. In short, practice releasing consistently and with repetition.
  5. Time doesn’t heal;  it’s what you do with the time. Long ago, if there was a painful experience, I’d replay it over and over again in my head thinking that at some point I’d  numb out to it. That eventually it wouldn’t have such an intense feeling in my body. I’ve learned that doesn’t work. It is what we do with the time that matters. It’s how we take responsibility for our next action, healing the pain and re-programming the brain.

How do you know you’re being a victim?

  • You’re focused on other people and what they’ve done wrong. We don’t need to fight our opponents any longer. We don’t need to prove that they are in error. Your attention is better served on creating what it is you DO want.
  • You know you’re being a victim if you’re asking, “Why me?” Rather than, “What now?” What is your next empowered action? That is the opportunity before you.  Look for your options.
  • You’re simply unhappy,  telling yourself it should be another way. Use that feeling of unhappiness as a messenger that it’s time for a new direction or change. In my experience, if something has happened, it was supposed to happen.

How to take back your power:

Declare, “I am taking back my power.”  “I’m in charge.” “I’ve got this.” Anything after “I am” is a powerful conductor and sends the brain a message that it is a new and different day; the vivid consistent repetition of this thought …accepted as already true… will elicit new and different behavior and a new and different outcome.

Bottom line: Do what you need to do and take responsibility for your life.  I invite you to make the choice to be free. The world needs the best you in play.

Click to Tweet
“We cannot have a life free of hurt, but we can choose to be free, to escape the past, no matter what befalls us, and to embrace the possible.” ~Dr. Edith Eva Eger

 

Resources:

 

Subscribe on iTunes for more tips, tools and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Episode 4 - Caring Less

Caring Less So You Can Become More

Do you ever feel like you’re in an endless state of catering to the opinions of others? Is your mind, too often, occupied by seeking to impress or meet others’ arbitrary expectations instead of on what really matters most?

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

What happens when we become obsessed or even addicted to what others think? When we care too much? In this episode of Playing Full Out I’ll show you how you can care less so you can spend more or your time, energy, and talent on what matters most to you.

Click to tweet:
“It’s one of life’s paradoxes that one must care less so to be more.”

We’re taught from a young age to please others; get acceptance and affirmation so we can meet our need for love. It’s a primal part of our being in order to survive as a baby and even in adulthood.

Then one day we wake up and realize that our whole life is dominated by manipulating others to think a certain way about us in order for us to feel good about ourselves.  This way of being becomes habitual and addictive.  But like any drug, the high is temporary. Then we have to go back to impressing others externally so we can feel good internally.   This is what happens when our opinions and self-image are externally based.

I was recently introduced to John who was looking at making some big changes in his life. John had ended a very successful run in a career after 15 years. He was unemployed and determining what the next chapter in his career would look like. He’d recently started a new family.  His wife was pregnant again and John felt the pressure not only to get a new career but also to identify where to move his family and their roots.  All of these decisions were weighing on him.

As I spoke to John it seemed that everything he had touched had turned to gold. But as John explained it was an external image that he described was not meeting up with how he felt internally. He said, “I know others perceive that I have this confidence, but I am reeling inside as I try to continually focus on impressing them. I simply want to enjoy what I’m doing. For example, when I’m working on a project. I want to completely work on the project and not think about how I’m going to do it to impress another person.”  “When I’m talking to people, I don’t want my thoughts consumed with what they are thinking of me, instead of on the conversation.”

His desire is a common one. How do I get over this need to please? How do I detach from others’ opinions of me so I can listen and hear my own best insights? Like so many people, John wanted to dedicate himself to his work, health and family.

When this focus on meeting others’ expectations consumes you, how do you get over it?  How do you care, less?

Ultimately, the question is how can I care less so I can be more? The reason for our attachment to what other people think is due to a weak self-image.  It stems from the thought that need others to accept and approve of us in order to feel loved.

There is a place on the spectrum that represents a healthy sense of caring.  On the one end of the spectrum you have your psychopaths who have no feeling or emotion. They don’t care at all about what people think. The other end is the obsession with trying to meet the expectations of others, and manage and manipulate them to think a certain way. Somewhere in the middle is a healthy balance.

What are the symptoms of caring too much?

How do you know when you’ve crossed the line to caring too much? Here are some symptoms I’ve observed…

*a manager resists delegating or asking for what he wants from his employees because he’s afraid they won’t like him or they’ll quit

*a seasoned professional who, despite her desire to drive down her hours, works 10 to 15 hours more per week than what she wants

*a highly functioning man’s attention is splintered as he worries about whether his boss and colleagues will applaud him

*as a guest at a party or networking event she has thoughts not on the conversation, but, “What is this person thinking of me?”

*a caretaker doesn’t find time to care for his own needs and instead over gives at his personal and professional expense

Common physiological symptoms are:

  • Anxiety is high.
  • Stress level is increased.
  • Poor sleep.
  • Shortened breathing.
  • Body is tense.

What’s the ultimate cost of being obsessed with other people’s expectations and opinions?

On the top level, performance is impeded. Advancement is slowed. There’s a lack of clarity in identifying what one really wants. An inability to hear one’s best judgments, insights and solutions. Confusion. And an incapability of being present in the moment, especially with one’s family.

There’s a good change that if you’re experiencing these symptoms, your caring too much is keeping you at a fraction of your best self.

How do you reset this kind of thinking?

“How do I undo this wiring or begin to have a greater sense of self? How do I reprogram for greater ease, higher performance and increased living?”

I don’t believe that we have to heal all of our childhood wounds in order to move forward and detach.  Breakthroughs occur from simple behaviors repeated on a daily basis. When we do things in a new way it becomes our default.

Start here…

Step #1 Be Aware

The first step is always awareness. For many people, they’ve been pleasing and meeting other’s expectations for 45 to 65 years without even knowing it. It’s such a part of their being that they aren’t aware of their weak sense of self.  You have to spot it to change it.

Step #2 Know Your Why

Know why you want to change your need to please. Know why you want to detach. What will happen differently in your life when you do? John wanted to feel greater ease. He wanted to lose the anxiety. He expressed that the only time he was able to let go and feel truly himself uninhibited was when he was drinking. He didn’t want that to be the way of his world going forward.  He wanted his son and daughter  to have a strong role model. That was his compelling reason why.

Step #3 Change Your Diet

You have to change what you feed your body and mind. Breakthroughs come from daily conditioning of the mindset. Here are some strategies to help you eliminate the need to impress, detach, get back into your own business.

  • Remember that you are safe. The mind can become confused and begin to believe that not getting love or approval from someone is going to kill us. Physical and emotional pain are confused. We have to realize that if someone doesn’t like us, we aren’t going to die. You can say out loud to yourself, “I am safe.” It is a reminder and interruption to our fight or flight responses in the amygdala to come back to the executive thinking part of the brain in the frontal lobe.  Within a nanosecond, your body can have that experience of fear that tells you you’re being threatened. Correct the mind when it becomes confused.
  • Give others back their power. Allow other people to think what they want of you. They’re going to do it anyway. When you give people permission to think what they want about you, you begin a much healthier relationship, not only with yourself but with others. When you stop resisting their judgment, you are then free to use that energy that you’ve been controlling and manipulating them with, to do what matters most.
  • Know what’s important to you. How do you detach from people? Know what’s important. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years?”
  • Talk yourself up.  Mantras do work. Say to yourself, “I have a right to be here. What I have to say or do is of value.” Use whatever works for you to overcome your obsession with your insecurities. It can help you to detach from other people’s opinions and be more interested and concerned with your own.
  • Don’t take yourself or your life too seriously. You’ve heard it said before, because it’s true. People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think. If they are, they probably have some issues they need to tend to. Let them be in their own journey, and you in yours.
  • Don’t beat yourself up. When you’re not perfect, acknowledge it. Be curious and interested about the message in the mistake.

Click to tweet:
“If you’re in another’s business and they’re
in their business, who’s in yours?”

Taking Bold Action

If you feel confident as a person, you’re able to admit your weaknesses. You’re able to look at your fear and anxieties.  You know your self-image is strong. If it’s weaker at this time and you notice the symptoms above, invest. Become aware. Know the reason you must change. Begin to take the actions above to reprogram your mindset daily.

What’s Next?

I invite you to think of three things to care less about in your work that will free you up to do what matters most to you. Then do the same at home.  Identify three things that, if you cared less about them, you’d be able to do more of what you love. Not only will you find you have more time and energy in your day, but your happiness, ease and fulfillment will soar as well.  You’ll notice the paradoxical correlation between caring less so you can be more.

Click to tweet:
“Be willing to betray another so as not to betray yourself.”
— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Resources:

Subscribe on iTunes for more tips, tools and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Episode 3- Conflict

3 Simple Questions to Help Master the Art and Strategy of Addressing Conflict

Episode 3- Conflict

Do you avoid engaging in difficult conversation because you don’t know how to communicate clearly so that your message is heard and can move to a successful outcome? In this episode of Playing Full Out, I’m sharing a surprisingly simple 3-step strategy that’s going to improve your relationships, communication, and organizational impact, tenfold.

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

There’s something I’ve recognized in society today that I see as a prolific problem. It’s our inability to engage in healthy conflict or debate. Why won’t we move towards conflict? There are a lot of reasons, but at the base level our egos are in a desperate race to be right. Often we’ll take right over happy. We’re also afraid we’ll get hurt if we move toward a difficult conversation.  We’re afraid of hurting others too.

Sometimes we don’t want to put forth the energy and the time to address situations that would benefit from being brought into the light. Instead we think that if we let it lie, it will die. The reality with conflict is that it’s residual. The resentment builds like a cancer.  Slowly it feeds upon itself and escalates until anger and bitterness reside. The result:  the conflict is amplified.

If we learn how to address conflict before it grows, if we have both the art, which is understanding what is underneath any type of unsupportive behavior or action and we combine that with the strategy, how to deliver the communication, we can move situations to desired outcomes more quickly and with less pain.

I’m going to share a three-step process with you that I believe can transform our communications, our relationships, and our organizations when used.  I adapted some of this strategy from one or two books that I highly recommend. The first is Leadership and Self-Deception and the second is The Anatomy of Peace both written by the Arbinger Society.

Here are three simple questions to ask yourself when faced with conflict with another that will help you work through it successfully:

#1) “What is this person worried, concerned, or afraid of?”

At the base level of addressing and moving through conflict we have to understand that each individual desires to be seen and heard. When we’re only interested in our own perspective and proving ourselves right, we’re unable to look through the lens of another and thereby validate that we see them. There is no hope of conflict ever resolving if we cannot seek to understand as a first step.  To do this we must be curious about what another (or others) might be worried, concerned or afraid.

When I say that we must understand the other individual, it doesn’t mean we must agree. It simply means we seek to understand they’re perspective.

To show you understand, two words to use are, “I sense.” “I sense you may be thinking or feeling….”  This doesn’t mean that you know it for certain, but you’ve given some thought to it.  You’re interested in seeing if you’re correct.  In other words, “let’s discuss it.”

Don Miguel in his book, The Mastery of Love, states that when there is conflict in a relationship that one person has to catch the ‘anger ball.’  When two people are arguing it’s easy to throw the anger ball back and forth. One blaming or vindictive statement is lobbed.  It’s caught.  Then the receiver throws back another.  Someone has to catch the anger ball in order to transform the conflict.  Seeking to understand by asking yourself this first question and then engaging in dialogue is where you begin.

Click to tweet:
Addressing conflict: We have to understand that each individual at their foundation desires to be seen and heard.

#2) “How am I unwittingly contributing to that worry, concern, or fear?”

The second step is to seek to understand your role in the situation whether you’re intentionally contributing to it or not.  Ask yourself how you are unwittingly contributing to the person’s fear that you identified in question #1.

The more specific we are about how we’re contributing to another’s anxiety or stress, the sooner we can take action to alleviate with the help of the third question.

#3) “How can I help alleviate his fears?”

Why should we be concerned and seek to alleviate others’ worries, concerns, or fear? Here’s the reality. When the brain is operating from a negative, neutral, or stressed state, brain science has shown that our intelligence, problem solving, creativity, and communication, all decrease significantly.  (For more on this check out Shawn Anchor’s Ted Talk on happiness in the workplace.)

When working in combination or collaboration with individuals, whether in our home space or in our workplace, our ability to move through (not around) conflict impacts our effectiveness and influence. We must be able to positively influence others in order for them to support our goals.  For this reason the psychology of those we manage, support and lead becomes essential for our own progress and happiness.

Once you 1) identify what you sense another is worried, concerned, or afraid of and 2) you identify your role in it, take the next step and ask yourself how can you help alleviate their fears.  Then begin to dialogue.  The conversation looks like this… “I sense you don’t feel I take your opinion into account when I’m making decisions on our schedule.  I see how I could have contributed to this, specifically when I made the vacation plan without consulting you.  The truth is I do care.  I want to hear your opinion because you often have ideas I haven’t considered.”

Notice the strategy to alleviate a person’s fear is to tell him the “truth” which is usually the opposite of their worry, concern or fear.  “The truth is…(fill in the blank).”

An example of this strategy in play in the workplace looks like this, “I sense you think that I and the rest of the engineering department don’t care when this product rolls out to the consumer.  I apologize to the extent I have contributed to that by delaying and adding more tests.  The truth is I want to support the Marketing Department to meet its’ deadlines and get this out to the consumer as soon as we can.  Here are some ideas I have.  I’d like to hear yours.”

From the bedroom to the boardroom, this three-step process transforms conflict and disagreement to peace and understanding. 99 times out of 100 after you’ve caught the anger ball, and move the conversation from an anger and fear-based perspective to a truth or love-based perspective, the other person will meet you there.  I’ve witnessed individuals use this approach to turn around marriages on the brink of divorce, bring together a brother and sister who hadn’t spoken for years, and transform organizations’ cultures and bottom lines.

There’s a man named Randy Pausch, who many of you probably already know. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon and he developed a last lecture because he was dying of cancer. It was a really moving lecture that ended up being seen the world wide over and it later became a book.

One of the things that I most recall from what he said was to always address the elephant in the room. This is paradigm shifting for most of our world.  Yet any time we shine the light on what is dark, it too becomes light.

Click to tweet:
Any time you shine the light on what it is dark,
it too becomes light.

Addressing conflict within our families or at our workplaces can be scary.

We often aren’t practiced at using our voices or naming the elephant in the room. We fear other people’s responses. We must become okay being uncomfortable. Brené Brown talks about being willing to be uncomfortable for three minutes so that you’re not uncomfortable for three hours, three days, three weeks, or three years.

Here are a few final tips to engage instead of shrink from conflict.

  1. Begin with a positive intention. Identify what the ideal outcome looks like.
  2. Make it safe to dialogue with you.
  3. Agree on a mutual purpose.
  4. Agree on a clear action plan.

Ronald Reagan said that, “…peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.”  Go there. You’ve got the framework. Write the three questions down on a 3×5 index card and see how many opportunities you have to use them this week both at home and work.

Click to tweet:
Ronald Reagan said, “..peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.”

Resources:

Subscribe on iTunes for more tips, tools and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Blog Image - 7 Tips to Crush Self-Doubt and Gain Self-Confidence

Seven Tips to Crush Self-Doubt and Gain Self-Confidence

Blog Image - 7 Tips to Crush Self-Doubt and Gain Self-ConfidenceWhen I was a kid, I had this idea that, at some specific age or time, we would become wise and removed from any self-doubt. There would be a level of achievement or success, or some indicator that told me that I had “officially arrived.” I would no longer experience those moments of insecurity or lack of confidence. All would be bliss.

This misperception traveled with me for quite a long time. After many years of doing my own work, as well as working with individuals of all genders, races, ages, socioeconomic levels and achievement, what I’ve learned is that self-doubt can travel with you at all times…and forever. That might seem like a really daunting thing to hear, but there is something you can do about it.

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below.

I’m going to share seven strategies with you that I got from a mastermind that I lead. I asked the group what they found most successful in managing self-doubt, and I combined that with what I’ve found in my years of working with people to play full out.

Here are seven strategies to overcome self-doubt and generate greater self-confidence:

#1) Tame Your Ego

The first one is to tame your ego. In my case, it’s to tame my Tasmanian Devil. That’s what my ego looks like. Something I learned years ago that changed everything for me is that we all have an ego, which leads us into fear-based thinking. It’s our inner critic. It tells us we shouldn’t take risks. We shouldn’t be ourselves or show up too bright, because we might get hurt. Our ego was created by us to help us stay safe from physical harm.

Like I said, I have a picture of mine. It looks like the Tasmanian Devil that I watched in my childhood cartoon. He sits off to my left. He bounces up and down like a small child to get my attention.  He has a lot to say.  The problem is that, over time, we’ve given this protector too much power. We’ve allowed our ego to lead our whole life.

We originally created it to keep us physically safe from bears and other animals. It’s a primal part of ourselves.  What happens along the way is that it begins to say, “I’m going to keep you from emotional hurt as well.” In that way, it helps us survive, but it can never help us thrive.

Who we really are is our True self, or Higher self. There are a lot of names for it. In short, it’s who we really are. That True self has plenty of wisdom, solutions and creativity to share with us if we listen.

What’s important to realize is that, whenever you’re in self-doubt, it means that the ego is leading you. It’s in charge.  It’s yapping next to you. It’s your job to extract yourself from this “Self-Doubt-Rager.”  To do so you have to change who is in charge.  Here’s how to do that in three steps.

Declare, “That’s My Ego.”

First, declare, “That’s my ego.” Identify and be aware enough to say, “This isn’t me. This is my ego that’s getting in my way.” Know that you are not your ego. It’s not you who is scared; it’s your ego who is scared. It’s not you who is stuck; it’s your ego who is stuck. It’s not you who is freaking out; it’s your ego who is freaking out.

Click to tweet:
Resist making life decisions based in self-doubt.

Separate from Your Ego.

Second, separate from it. It’s there, but it is not you.  Acknowledge what your ego is saying. It wants to be heard. You may say, “I hear you, little guy.” You don’t have to kill or abolish your ego or inner critic. You created it to protect you from harm. It’s simply gotten overinflated with its power.

You’ve Got This!

The third step is to tell your ego that YOU have got this under control.  Simply stated, take your power back from it. You can say out loud, “Ego, we’re fine. True self is in charge now. I’ve got this covered.” This strategy is a game changer when exercised.  Once you’ve tamed the voice of this little inner critic which feeds your self-doubt, then YOU are back in the driver’s seat to make choices and actions aligned with your optimal vision.

#2) Get Real and Imagine the Worst

What is the very worst thing that could happen? Think about that in those moments that you’re doubting you. The reality is that your mind is already going there anytime you’re experiencing self-doubt. Within seconds, your mind has gone all the way to the bottom, in terms of the worst-case scenario. The initial thought happens first. Then the corresponding self-doubt/fear loop starts repeating. “I might lose my home. They’re going to think I’m a weirdo. The kids will have to change schools. My spouse is going to leave me.”

To do this practically, start first with your fear. “If I take on this new adventure, job or project, then what happens?” Then I may get demoted. Then what? I’ll lose my chance to get promoted. Then what? I won’t make as much money. Then what? Then my kids won’t get to go to the schools that they want. Then what? They become unhappy losers. Then what? I’m unemployed, we lose our house and live under a bridge.

Click to tweet:
99% of fears won’t happen, despite our inner critic.

You can see where I’m going with this. What is the likelihood of you living under a bridge at this point in time? Ninety-nine percent of our fears never really happen, but they end up controlling our lives when we don’t get a hold of them. It happens when we allow our mind’s if/then loop to make up stories. We do that in nanoseconds. It’s like a computer.

Get real with your fears and go to the worst thing that can happen. Identify the likelihood of that becoming true. Then ask yourself if you could deal with it, even if it did happen.

I was recently talking to a corporate attorney. He’s very successful and recognized in his industry. He’s been at his work for many years.  At one point, he was one of the prominent new business generators. As we talked, he told me he’d lost his confidence around selling. He doubted that he had what it takes to connect with younger clients.  He’d been wanting to set up new business meetings with some of his existing clients in Switzerland and London, but had been hesitating for months.

He was terrified of asking them to meet him.  We worked through the worst thing that could happen. We dug deep to identify the real fear. It was that they might think, (in his own words), that he was a “weirdo” that he was coming that far too see them.  They would think he was crazy for him to make this trip

Once he was able to identify and reckon with the worse-case scenario, he could see that he could deal with it.  Within days, he took action, put out the calls to organize the new business trip and enjoy Switzerland…something he’d been thinking about doing for close to a year.

#3) Give Yourself a High-Five

The third strategy is one of my favorites. Write down three to five things that, at one time, you thought were impossible or a struggle that you achieved. Maybe it’s something that you experienced or made it through.  It was tough, but you did it.  Next, ask yourself what qualities you employed then that you can use again in your current situation.

I had a client who wanted to build a flight app for pilots. He was getting stymied due to his self-doubt and lack of confidence around it. I asked him to write down three to five things that, at one time, he thought were impossible or difficult. As he spoke I jotted down 10 to 15 things that were remarkable. He’d moved from Argentina alone.  Left his parents and learned a second language. Put himself through college. Completed his MBA without English as his first language. Overcame limitations in order to become a pilot. He realized that the things that he had already done were much harder than creating this app for the iPhone!  He acknowledged himself and effectively quieted the self-doubt that was holding him back.  The application is on its way to being tested.

#4) Remind Yourself, “I’ve Got This!”

The fourth strategy is to talk yourself up. In essence, it’s about having a mantra or self-talk, so that when a defeating thought comes into your mind and self-doubt looms, you have something to counter balance it and cancel that thought out.

I use to have self-doubt that would fuel a level of anxiety that made me anything but productive or happy.  Once I started recognizing the tailspin the voice was putting me it, I would crowd it out with a simple mantra like, “I’m safe and all is well.”  Navy Seals who have one of the highest anxiety jobs are taught this technique to talk themselves up in the midst of anxiety based moments as well.

Mantras like “I’ve got this,” “I can do it,” or “all is well,” are effective at re-writing thoughts and redirecting your focus.

#5) Take a Leap

The fifth strategy to generating more confidence and overcoming self-doubt is to take a leap. Take action, however small it might be. This is to prove your head wrong. It’s to challenge the existing neuropathway and rewrite and begin to create a new one.   When we act we create new evidence. We generate the type of confidence that can’t be created in a chair.

When seeking to take a leap, a great question to ask is, “If I knew for a fact I could (fill in the desire, experience or achievement),  I would (fill in the leap.)”

In the case of the attorney, “If I knew for a fact I could make that appointment with the new client, what I would do is…” His answer, “I’d call them.”  His next step was clear.

#6) Do It for You

The sixth strategy is to do it for you. So often, we fall into the self-doubt zone because we make other people our reasons for doing something, or not doing something. We don’t write an article because someone might not like it. We don’t speak up in a meeting because our idea may not be supported. We may not give that extra smile or eye contact because it might not be appreciated. What we’re really doing in these moments is attempting to manipulate others into liking us. The problem is, this is an exercise in futility. We can’t control others’ feelings and emotions. We’re never going to come up with the formula to get everyone to like us. It’s time to give that one up.

I’ve found that, one of the best ways to counteract this self-doubt trap when you’re paralyzed from taking action is to simply do it for you, not for anyone else. Write for you. Create a book club for you. Choose your next career for you. Decide if you’re going to the concert for you. Others will be affected, but when you begin by following your own internal GPS and inspiration, and you let go of attachment to others’ responses, something funny happens. A flow of energy, inspiration and creativity rises up. Action becomes easier. The solutions to challenges that we previously deemed impossible seem to drop from the sky.

I recently spoke with someone who gave himself very little opportunity for self-care.  While he is a leader in his corporate world, he doesn’t choose for himself in his personal world. When I first talked to him, he said he’d lost touch with himself, his fulfillment and passion.

I asked him what he liked to do.  He told me one of the things he loves to do is to see concerts, but he thinks others would find him strange if he goes alone and often it was hard to get another friend to go with him due to busy schedules.   He doesn’t go anymore because he thinks his wife would be annoyed.  I encouraged him to do for himself simply because he wanted to do it. He agreed to try it.  The next time I saw him, he had a big smile.  He said he’d had a great time, and would do it again.

The next time that you find that your self-doubt is holding you back, take the next step for you, without any concern for another’s opinion about it. Then see what happens. The results might really astound you.

#7) Ditch the “Fight or Flight”

The final and seventh strategy has to do with managing your state. When you’re in self-doubt, your brain is being sent a signal to the hypothalamus gland, which sets off a whole physical reaction known as fight or flight. Your adrenal glands start pumping out stress hormones. Your heart starts beating faster. Your blood pressure goes up. You breathe more rapidly. A number of other things happen.

The crisis can pass by choosing a different physiological response. My favorite one is a breathing exercise. It’s called 4-7-8. It has been championed by Dr. Weil.

This is how it works. You inhale for four seconds. You hold your breath for seven seconds. Then you exhale for eight seconds. There is a circuit that slows down your system and removes the fight or flight state of being.

Any one of these seven strategies can put you on an entirely different trajectory.

Think of a golfer who is striking a golf ball. To change the trajectory of his ball he needs to adjust his grip or his hips ever so slightly. In the same way, a very small action can habituate a very new reality…but you have to take action.

Take one of these seven strategies and apply it when self-doubt creeps in.  Be the person who navigates and reduces the lag time between when it strikes and when you make a new choice, that is, when you enter the Self-Doubt Zone and when you leave it.

Know this. Everyone has self-doubt. It is not the first primal reaction, but the second deliberate response that determines our thoughts, feelings, actions, results…and ultimately our destiny.

You’ve got your escape hatch.  I’ll see you in the arena!

Everyone has self-doubt. What do you do when self-doubt blocks you?  Please share your thoughts below!

Resources:

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Blog Image - Four Steps to Get a Date with the Life You Love

Four Steps to Get a Date with the Life You Love

Have you ever found it difficult to clearly define what you want and your vision for this next phase of your life? If you consider yourself smart, highly functioning, and have achieved a decent level of success but are still asking, “Why the heck can’t I figure out what I want and go for it?” or “Why is my progress so slow and the pressure so intense?” then keep reading.

The greatest pain and theme that I hear today when I speak to people is that they’ve hit a point in life where they feel like they should be appreciative for all they have, but they don’t feel fulfilled. They feel like they’re going through the motions and getting it done. They’ve lost their passion, and they’re tired of grinding it out and struggling.  They know that the way they’ve lived their first half isn’t the way they want to live their second half.  And they want change, but they don’t know what that is or how to get it.

You can listen to the full podcast episode here, or continue reading below:

I’ve identified this as the Nagging Half-Version Syndrome. I define it as a sense of knowingness that we are not showing up to what we’re capable of. It’s a widespread longing to step into our fullest version of ourselves, both personally and professionally. This syndrome is sweeping our families and homes and is the ultimate UN-rest.

What we all want is to know we’re living our best version of ourselves. That when we get to our last day we can look back and say we’ve lived boldly, loved fully, and our life made a difference.

Now, after many years of working with hundreds of passionate, talented, highly functioning individuals, whether their corporate or entrepreneurial, men or women, young or old, leaders—budding or established– I’ve seen that most of us were never taught and don’t know how living a life that’s both successful and fulfilling really works.

What I uncovered after years of working with clients is that there are a series of specific steps taken in the right order that were repeatedly leading to my clients to extraordinary results.  I put them together in a strategy I call Playing Full Out.

Playing Full Out is not about grinding it out or pushing your pedal to the metal, working harder or striving and pushing and longer.  It’s identifying what success means to YOU, and showing up fully for it.

Here are the four foundational keys to “playing full out” and transforming your life and leadership:

#1) Stop Trying to Change External Circumstances

The biggest detriment to our own progress is thinking that everything is happening to us. That we are victim to it all. We have to own that we’re much more powerful than we’ve previously given ourselves credit. We are powerful co-creators.  It’s an empowering to understand we’re 100% responsible for 50% of a relationship.

Stop looking for how you’re going to change external circumstances.  Instead turn your focus on who you are being as you do what you do.  Looking at our internal obstacles is still not getting the attention it deserves. The questions to ask is, “Am I contributing or contaminating this situation?” And how can you change your own approach to affect a different result.

#2) Stop Settling and Raise Your Standards

The second key to playing full out in life is to stop settling, and raise your standards. This means ask for what you want and expect it. The only reason a person has something “more than you” in a certain area is because they have a higher standard around it.

When I go to the gym at 6:00 AM and am mesmerized by all the people that are finishing their workout because they arrived at  5:00 AM, I realize that’s just what they do. It’s their standard.  Choose to raise your standards and say “This is just what I do.” “This is how I roll.” Whether it’s what you eat, your self-care regimen, exercise routine, support you request, or boundaries you keep, choose to raise your standards.  Imagine if that new standard became–it’s just what I do.”

#3) Stop Focusing on What You Don’t Want

Whether we want our kids to stop doing what their doing, we don’t want another micro-managing boss or another year like x, we tend to focus too much time on what we don’t want.

Instead of targets like how do I escape my spouse being frustrated with me? How do I avoid disappointing my client? Or how do I stop worrying about my family’s financial picture,” choose what you do want.  Tune into your own internal GPS.  You will know the truth by the way it feels. Ask yourself, “What energizes me? What brings me joy? And what do I want more of in this next phase of life?”

As Einstein said, we can’t create what we haven’t first imagined.  If we focus only on what we don’t want we’ll get more of it.  If our target is vague and blurry, we’re going to get vague and blurry results.

#4) Release Your Inner Control Freak

Tina Fey says, “Say yes, and you’ll figure it out afterward.” And the fourth key to living a life played full out is to take the leap before you think you’re ready.

What is a leap? A leap is an unplanned or uncalculated intuitive hit. It’s something that comes into your mind when you least expect it. Rarely does it come while you’re sitting at your desk. You might get the insight after you’ve taken a shower, while in the shower, or perhaps after you exercise. A leap might be to make a call to a potential client, sign up for an opportunity you don’t feel ready for yet, ask to join a group you think is above you, or interview for a position that stretches you.

The reason we don’t leap before we feel ready is because we humans hate uncertainty. It’s a natural, human, primal response to resist it.  The aversion to uncertainty may keep us alive, but it will never help us thrive. Leaping first and figuring it out as we go, breaks the old inhibiting patterns.

If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.  We’ll never experience the optimal vision of our life with our inner control freak in charge.  Take your next step before you feel smart enough, confident enough, or ready enough.  Your life will thank you.  You might even get a date with the life you love.

And remember if you nail something right out of the gate, whether it’s a perfect product launch, speech, interview, presentation or conversation, then you’ve waited too long!

The bottom line is that to ensure the greatest version of you and your leadership are at play…

  1. Own that you are a powerful co-creator.
  2. Raise your standards and expand your boundaries.
  3. Tune in to know what you want for this phase of your life.
  4. Take the leap before you think you’re ready.

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“Say yes, and you’ll figure it out afterward.” ~ Tina Fey

Small actions habituate a new reality. This week, pay attention and take small actions.  It isn’t in the big actions like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or Mount Everest that changes our lives.

Successful people realize it’s the common, mundane and boring things done day after day that create a new world, a new reality, and a Playing-Full-Out kind of life!

Resources:

ABOUT RITA
—
With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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