Do you ever say “yes” when you mean “no?”  Has a close friend betrayed your trust and expected you to act as though it wasn’t hurtful or offensive? Does a family member ask your opinion then not listen when you give it?  Maybe your older brother still bullies you like he did when you were ten.  Do your conversations with a loved one make you doubt yourself or cause you to feel insecure?

Setting boundaries can transform the way you live and love in these relationships.

We forget that we train people how to treat us. But we can retrain them. It is our responsibility to have the confidence to define and denounce what is unacceptable treatment.

That’s when I bring out two of my favorite words – no more.

You can say “no more” to a person or a condition.

“No more” acting like that offensive behavior is ok, taking my ideas as your own, speaking to or about me disrespectfully, ignoring what I say or taking and never contributing to our relationship.

“No more” can also be directed at ourselves.  No more telling ourselves we’re not good enough or worthy.  No more investing in and accepting relationships that disappoint and drain us.  No more overlooking betrayal.  No more under-utilizing our talents and true gifts. No more buying into the lie that we don’t need help or that we don’t have enough time to take care of ourselves.  NO MORE!

 “No more” indicates a decision— “not in my house, not on my watch, not in my lifetime. No way, no how.”

In other words, “I am complete with that thinking, that way of being, that treatment, or that behavior” whether from myself or others.

Saying “no more” indicates you know what you are committed to rather than what you are worried about.  These words let others know things are changing.  I have a boundary, and you crossed it.

“No” is one of the first three words we learn as children.  We say it all day long. Then something happens between 3-years-old and mid-life. We stop saying “no” and simply turn our cheek even when our personal standards and boundaries are crossed.

We start “shoulding” on ourselves.  “I should help them no matter what.” “I should accept that.”  “They are family.”  “I need to just do it.”  “I should let it go.”  As a result we lose our boundaries, and our relationships become plagued with judgment, resentment and disappointment.

Extending our boundaries is transformational because when we remove the unsupportive, we make space for who we really are versus who we think we should be.  Then often what previously eluded us for so long– intimate relationships, fulfilling work, energy, health, and well-being suddenly find a place to show up.

In the past month I’ve witnessed boundaries transform marriages, empower children, be responsible for an engagement, a child’s conception, and pull a man straight out of a full-blown mid-life crisis right into his ideal job.   Yep.  All this from saying “no more” to the people or circumstances that no longer supported them.

Saying these two little words can be tough and take courage.  After all, there is a chance the recipient (including your own ego) won’t like the change.  The fears of rejection, judgment or no longer receiving love are the top reasons we don’t hold our boundaries.

Ahh but the upside of extending boundaries is, well, priceless.  Freedom and liberation are the by-products.

Author, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, in her poem “The Invitation” says it like this: “Are you willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint yourself?  Are you willing to bear the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray your own soul?”

When we are able to shout from the mountain top “YES,” we open the doors to receiving the inner peace, happiness and fulfillment we are meant to experience.

As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve come a long way.  I never said “no.”  I didn’t think I had a right to do so.  I struggled with holding boundaries and being spiritual.  I’ve since learned that the two are not mutually exclusive; they’re imperative in a fulfilling spirit-driven life.  Now I know it’s the most honest and authentic way to be in my relationship with myself and others.

Where have your boundaries become soft?  What area of life is beckoning you to raise your standards? What do you need to say “no more” to, so you can have more of the love, spark, and peace you deserve?

By setting boundaries you make room to experience who you really are and give back to others their power to do the same!

Are you drawn to a life-changing career move but not sure exactly what it is?

Do you want to make a change in how you make a living?

Are you looking to answer the question, “What am I meant to do with my life?”

If you answered yes, you are not alone.  In a recent Gallup Poll, 70% of people have disengaged from their work.  This is the result of not using their true gifts.

Last week in Part One of this two-part series, “How to Identify Your Purpose and Ideal Career”, I shared the foundation to uncover your true calling.  If you didn’t read about creating your champion mindset, you can find it on the blog.

Once you create your champion mindset, you are ready to uncover your purpose and ideal work.

When I work with my clients to answer the age-old question, “What am I meant to do with my life,” it’s like interpreting tea leaves.

I have them begin by writing a bullet-point biography.   As I go through it, I discern patterns and themes that prompt me to ask questions that highlight their purpose and ideal career.

While uncovering your ideal work requires some excavation, telling the truth about who you are and what you want will get the ball rolling.

Let me show you how to do it for yourself.

The past holds many clues to what you are meant to be doing in the future.   So your first step is to write your Bulleted  Bio.

You write your history in bullet format so you can easily look through it for themes.  List significant accomplishments from as far back as you can remember and also job roles you held throughout your life. Include hobbies, awards, sports and experiences that formed you.

Approach #1 Identify the Themes.  Look for the golden threads or themes that run throughout your history.  There may be many so look for an interest that has followed throughout.

Maybe it’s an entrepreneurial spirit, a certain kind of job (sales, artist, sports), or a tendency towards certain roles, perhaps as a leader, administrator, strategist, teacher/trainer.  The themes can show up as preferences, roles, environment, interests, or callings.

Make sure you write all of your history down. Too often people dismiss things as insignificant that could be good indicators of what they are meant to do in the future.

You may be used to looking only at what job or what industry you were in as indicators for the future.

A better way to approach finding your true calling is to look at who you were being in those roles you enjoyed.  Were you the writer, the speaker, the strategist, the key leader, promoter, guide or teacher?

Who did you get to be in the past that you liked?  What roles were your favorite?

Circle them.  These are significant pieces to your puzzle.

Approach #2 What dreams did you have that got halted?

Was there a dream you had that was pushed aside?  While you may not return to where you left off, that halted dream does hold value and may have clues.

Last week I talked about the former college football champion who 25-years-later seeks his dream career.  He is a great example of a dream that was halted.  He was on his way to the NFL, but it didn’t work out.  Sports are not something he’ll  go back to in the same way, but it is something that needs to be included to honor his purpose and passion and so he can feel happy about life again.

Approach #3 What do others see you doing? 

Write down what people have always said you “should” be.  If you are not sure what people think you should be, sit down with a few of your trusted friends and ask what they see in you.  The answers can hold valuable ideas.  Many of my clients have uncovered their purpose from talking to another who revealed what my clients couldn’t or were too scared to see.  Ask, listen and try it on.

Approach #4 Become Your Own Self-Expert

The biggest shift in the process to uncover your purpose and ideal career is to step up your personal development.  Become your own self-expert.

Don’t ask what your next career “should be,” ask what excites and energizes you.

What awesome idea or desire lurks within, waiting for you to acknowledge it?  What bold and scary career move have you been trying to bury beneath a pile of logical, boring ones?

What would you love to do if nobody paid you for it?

If you were free from all things that limit you and hold you back, what direction would you go?

How do you know you’ve found it?  The first criterion is that your purpose is something you could do immediately.  You don’t’ need to be retrained because it’s been a part of you all along.  Yes, you may need another certification for the job, but your natural gifts are already there.

The second is you know it’s your purpose because it impacts others.

Third, it just feels good.  Your body may relax or get excited just thinking about it.  No matter what, it feels ‘lighter,’ easier, like you’re home.

If finding your life purpose and ideal work remains a mystery, I have empathy.  I know first-hand how depressing it can be to be disconnected from your True North.   Be aware of these two blocks that may be holding you back.

First, you are  too scared to identify it even if you know the answer, because it means change and dealing with uncertainty.   In this case, being confused is working for you in an odd sort of way.  One way to circumvent this is to finish the sentence, “If I wasn’t confused (or I guessed) at what I am called to, it is…”

Second, there is a possibility that you are motivated by a stronger commitment to something besides identifying your life’s work.  You may be more committed to being stable, certain, not making a mistake, preventing the judgment of others, or living to the standards and beliefs of someone else, or “not screwing up my family,” a quote from a recent client.

The problem with non-supporting commitments, as they are sometimes called, is that they will continue to derail you when left unrecognized.

Just being aware of the non-supporting commitment can help you see more clearly.  Finish the statement, “If I weren’t committed to this non-supporting commitment,  I would…”

Spend some time with these approaches.  If you still are challenged to interpret your tea leaves, consider getting the support of someone who can help you.

If you’ve thought about working with me as your coach to support you in identifying work that matters to you, you are in luck.  I am putting together a new Coaching Package designed just for you.

If you are interested and want to get on the wait list,write [email protected]. You’ll be  among the first to get the details!

Your change agent,

Rita

 

My kids are finishing up their second week of the new school year.  I am finding my rhythm once again.

As exciting as new beginnings are, they can bring forth anxiety for both parents and kids.  It’s natural when we’re embarking on the unknown. 

For me the best antidote for anxiety is being clear minded, that is, being connected to my purpose, direction and focus.   I don’t have to have every detail buttoned up if I’m clear of where I am headed.

This summer I thought about this and wanted to ease my kids transition back to school with the same clear mindedness.

I decided to do something I’ve never done with my family:  create a family mission statement.

Truth is I never liked mission statements.   I know it’s a little controversial for a coach to say.  It’s something about the word.  They remind me of my past corporate world where I was either forced to embrace a mission statement I didn’t buy into or spend a lot of time creating ones that were never referred to again.

Despite my salty predisposition toward mission statements,  I know they work.  Mission statements are simply clear visualizations of your ideal business, team, career, project or life.

I help my clients create visualizations of their ideal or “best version” of themselves all the time.  I wondered, “why wouldn’t it work for my family?”

After all, what I know for certain is…

•  we can’t hit a target we can’t see
•  telling kids (and adults) what NOT to do without being clear of what to aim for puts the focus on and creates more of what we don’t want and
• successful individuals rank a happy family FIRST in determining their personal and professional satisfaction.

So I decided to go for it.  We wrote the family mission statement.

And the results surprised me.

Despite thinking I would have a reluctant audience and it would take a lot of time, neither assumption was true.

My fifth and second grade daughter’s fell right into the exercise when I asked them these questions from Bruce Feiler’s fabulous book, The Secret of Happy Families. 

What words best describe our family?

What is most important to our family?

What are our strengths as a family?

What sayings best capture our family?

This is what we created…

 

The Hyland Mission Statement

May Our First Word be Optimism and

Our Last Word Be Courage…

We give and receive love unconditionally.

We know its ok to make mistakes.

We forgive.

We build people up.

We contribute instead of contaminate.

We are open and curious.

We are daring and vulnerable.

We show up fully and give our best.

We dream big and set our intentions to live our dreams.

We step into our power and invite others to do the same.

We create consciously.

We express gratitude frequently.

We love life.

We Believe.

We are happiness and joy!

 

Everyone agreed it felt good and true.

We now have a copy of our family mission statement on the dashboard in the car and hanging in our kitchen.  We read it at family dinner on Sunday nights as a reminder.

Recently, when my older daughter was verbally hurtful to her younger sister, I pointed and referred to it. “In this family, we build people up,” I said.  (She chose those words.  Sweet!)

The mission statement helps my kids know they are part of a team.  We have standards.  A core set of values. Most importantly, we have a clear vision of what we want our family to be. 

We don’t always meet it, but we have our North Star.

That statement is one thing that is steadfast and assuring in both our kids and our ever-changing lives.

I recently wrapped up my group and one-one-one coaching with members of my “It’s My Year’ Life Mastery Course™, and want to share with you FIVE BIG LESSONS I learned from that experience.

I always learn so much from my clients.  This time, session after session, I noticed the same problems showing up again and again.  In almost every instance, it was the question behind the question that I found telling about what holds us back from unleashing our full potential.

Here are the FIVE BIG LESSONS I took away from this experience.  I think you will benefit from them too.

1. You are much more brilliant than you give yourself credit for. 

Own it. Get on board with your gifts and talent by looking back at the value you have already added with your talent, business, product, service, or leadership. Think more about who you are serving and less about yourself and what you will get.

Unless you make the decision that who you are and what you do is valuable no amount of time or work driving to your fullest potential will make a difference.

It is hard to manufacture belief in yourself by trying to talk yourself into it.  We need concrete evidence that we are competent and capable. The best place to find that is in our past successes.

–>  Write a list of those individuals you have helped or contributed to with your talent, product, service, or leadership. If you are just starting, find that one person to whom you know your skill, wisdom, service or product made a difference.  Focus on that “yes,” and it will expand.

–> Destroy and release any thoughts that limit you and your expansion.  Believing in yourself is as critical to reaching your highest potential as knowing your target and having a plan.

–> What if today was the day you stopped judging you?  What if you stopped judging how far along you are? Stopped judging your sales, your body and your finances? Today live in YOUR NEW WORLD WHERE YOU OWN YOUR BRILLIANCE.

2.    You must be willing to put yourself in the spotlight.

If you want to reach your potential and make the income and impact you know you are capable of, putting yourself in the spotlight is EXACTLY WHAT YOU MUST DO.  Be willing to be exposed, seen, and vulnerable.

–>  Put yourself out in front this week.  Ask to lead an initiative at work, make an offer to your prospective clients, share something with your spouse that he/she does not know to increase your intimacy, or ask to speak to a local group about your service or product. Raise your hand and ask for the opportunity to share your gifts.

3.   You must start before you think you are ready. 

Stop waiting until you have enough time, enough confidence, all the training, all the information, all the answers, enough support, the ‘right’ team, or enough money.   If you wait for these conditions, you will never get started.

Shift from thinking “I’m not ready to do that” to thinking “I want to do that – and I’ll learn by doing it.” Jump in and go for it.

–>  Make an appointment with a person who will push your project forward.  If you say you are doing it, whether that’s getting a place for your conference, offering a new class, hiring help for your next project — you will now have someone else to be accountable to beside yourself.

–>  Put yourself in an environment that you don’t think you are ready for yet.  Request to give a presentation to a group of your potential clients. Attend a conference of ‘experts’ who are in your desired career. Set up a meeting with someone you think is out of your league, or do that thing you think is above your “level.”  Make the call today.

–>  GO PRO.  If you were the best in the world at what you do, what step would you take next?  How would you carry yourself, walk, speak, and act differently than you do now?  Show up ‘as if’ your success already exists.

4.    You must start with your high-impact, high-fulfillment work first.

 Each of us has a choice as to how we spend our time.  But it’s really easy to tell ourselves, it’s not our choice, especially when it involves some new habit, big goal or dream that takes energy and courage to bring into being.

We spend time on the unimportant, pretending it’s urgent to avoid high-value work because it is scary. We may fail, we may be rejected.

BEGIN YOUR DAY WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT WORK THAT AFFECTS YOUR BOTTOM LINE.

Brian Tracey refers to this as ‘eating the frog first’.  When you accomplish your toughest task early in the day, it sets the tone by creating momentum and building your confidence, both of which move you farther and faster toward you goal.  This one strategy alone can create wealth for you this week.

–>  What do you keep putting to the bottom of the list for tomorrow because you are “too busy?”  Do that action first. That’s likely your soul’s most important work.  It is time to stop hiding behind being busy and confused.  Remember, there is only a short list of things you should be investing your time doing daily.

5.    You must be willing to create a team.

Trying to do it all and not leveraging your time and talent means you will guarantee you are in the same place one year from now.  Your focus is to SPEND YOUR DAY IN YOUR ZONE OF GENIUS AND GET RID OF EVERYTHING ELSE.

Critical to you reaching your full potential is getting stuff off of your plate so you can do your best work, innovate and create.  Remember just because you can do it, does not mean you should do it.

Let go and open up to the thought, I DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL ALONE.  Who can do this?

Hiring people is the BEST money you can spend.  Do it before you think you are ready to so do.  The idea that you can’t afford help is purely a mental block.

Consider that hiring help is in the same expense category as buying a computer for your business.  Both are vehicles to unleashing your potential more quickly, efficiently, and with less pain.

–>  What support or expertise do you need to achieve your target and guarantee you take your business and life to the next level?

–>   Identify three experts (those more talented than yourself in this area) who could help you leverage your time and talent?  Hire at least one this month.  (Examples may include administrative assistant, copywriter, sales person, project manager, life coach, child care provider, accountant.)

–>   Identify two people you already know whose help you can enlist.  Who else could you ask?  Be willing to receive help.

Now it’s time for Rita’s On-the-Spot Action Coaching.

If we were coaching together, here’s what I would suggest you do to take action on the FIVE LESSONS I shared with you above.

–> What to do with the most important one hour of your day?  Identify the 1-5 actions that will make the BIGGEST IMPACT ON YOUR PROJECT’S BOTTOM LINE.  Of the five actions, start with the one you most want to put off.

–> Choose TWO action steps from the list above and put them into play today.  It is not what information you have but your implementation of it that counts.

I’d love to hear back from you.  What’s holding you back right now?  What one solution would help you the most?  Let me know at [email protected].

 

A lot of the TV programs today are showing the “best and worst of 2012.” I love watching these recaps because there is so much I forget.

Watching these programs inspired me to share an important exercise I use every year at this time.

I have done this exercise for the past four years and since then every year I have grown my business, made a greater impact doing exactly what I love, improved the connections in my important relationships and been more peaceful and confident as I grow. It’s helped me think bigger and take leaps I wouldn’t have otherwise.

The exercise is simple and won’t take long, but it is invaluable.

Step 1 Write down all of your “wins” and successes over the last year. List 10-20 things you achieved or experienced that you feel good about. It’s time to acknowledge them. Whether they are large or small, own your best moments and celebrate them.

Step 2 Now write down the mistakes you made in 2012. What things didn’t go as well as you would have liked. Some may even make you sick to look at. Just write them down. You are magnificent regardless. And remember, those who don’t make mistakes, don’t create. Consider it a good thing to have this list.

Step 3 Next to every win and mistake, write down the “lesson” or the “gift” from each. Nothing is a coincidence nor happens without reason. Your soul is looking for you to evolve. What is the hidden meaning or opportunity from the experience?

Step 4 Once you have all of the lessons, gifts, and hidden opportunities from your mistakes and wins in 2012, burn it.

It’s important not to skip this step. It is designed to help you release the stories you have around the past year so that you leave your baggage behind, clear the decks, and design your sensational year.

Step 5 Imagine it. Let your mind run wild and write down what a wildly successful and meaningful 2013 is to you. Fast forward to the end of the year and notice how life is having learned the lessons of 2012 and moving beyond them.

Review what you have written for the next 21 days get comfortable with the new experience.

Complete these five steps and the intentions you set will be far more powerful and in line with your zone of genius; doing what you love to do is the first ingredient in the recipe for an sensational and gratifying 2013.

We will hear a lot of the “new year, new you” message in the upcoming days and that is exciting. First pause to look back first at 2012 and all it brought you. Then imagine what December 31st, 2013 and what has become letting go of the past and being that greatest version of you.

By embracing the significant lessons of 2012, you won’t have to worry about resolutions or goals. You’ll step into creating what you desire naturally.

Wishing you an inspiring, fulfilling and happy New Year!