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Do You Choose You and How I Met Oprah

I’ll never forget the moment when I decided to choose myself.

I recall it was late March. I had grown weary of the long winter in Chicago and had just finished The Gift By the Sea with my book group. In the book, author, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, describes the need for solitude so we are able to do all that we do in our waking moments. I related to her. I relish solitude. The only thing is I never take time for it.

It’s been eleven years since my first child was born. I realized I’d never gone away to be by myself for a period of time. Yes, I’ve gone on vacations with my husband and even girlfriends, but I wasn’t counting that.

In fact, the most recent experience with solitude I could recall was the night in the hospital after my third and last child. My five and three-year-old girls were not handling their brother’s entry into the world well. My husband decided at the last minute that he needed to help my mother get the two girls to sleep that night, so I was unexpectedly alone at the hospital. Much to my surprise I was giddy.

The nurses were caring for my son, and while I was just hours out of labor and experiencing all the beautiful things the body does post-labor, I didn’t care. I was by myself. I brought out the Reese Cup that I’d put in my bag to celebrate my eight hour labor. Like a queen overlooking her kingdom from my hospital bed in my white gown, I cherished both the chocolate and the solitude.

The next morning my husband called to tell me he was coming to pick me up. “But it’s only 9:00 am and I’m allowed to stay until 12:00. Don’t pick me up until then,” I said. I wanted every minute. (In hindsight, I should have seen this as a sign.)

So now 5 ½ years later, I knew I was ready for some extended solitude. My husband as always was supportive.

But where shall I go and what will I do?

Well as we know “ask and ye shall receive… seek and you shall find.” The following day I saw an advertisement for a weekend retreat with Oprah.

Even though the event was months away, I knew what I was to do. I bought a ticket and decided I’d figure out the details later. All that mattered was… I was going!

I recall noticing at the time that there were VIP tickets. I’d never considered upgrading anything before. It intrigued me enough to look twice. I tossed out the idea to my husband to see what he thought. Asking a “minimalist” a question like this was like asking someone in Antarctica if they’d like a freezer. “Why?” he asked. I knew the response before I asked the question. The better question was “Why did I ask?” I quickly dismissed the idea.

A week later I heard a ‘whisper.’ “Why don’t you upgrade your seat?” In that moment, I chose me.

I made the call and got my upgraded ticket. I knew that if I let that voice inside tell me I shouldn’t, it would affect how I thought about myself. I would always wonder what could have been.

After Oprah’s keynote that first night, I along with others were escorted into the VIP lounge for drinks and food. Oprah had changed into a beautiful iridescent dress that made her look like an angel from afar.

I am not a star gazer or celebrity stalker. I don’t read People Magazine, and I’ve never stood in line to have a book signed by an author. I don’t know what that says about me. I’ve just never been moved to do so. I felt differently about Oprah.

As I walked up to her she grabbed my hand. She complimented my necklace. I said “thank you for being you.” We discussed that my daughter would be on her upcoming Life Class with Dr. Shefali Tsabary. We talked briefly about the actual taping of the show a few weeks earlier. We both agreed how great Dr. Shefali Tsabary is. In our few moments together, I could see how Oprah worked to listen and make every person feel like they mattered. She was everything I thought and then some.

I got teary eyed several times during the three-day experience, but not for the reasons you might think.

The VIP experience was less about getting a seat in a certain area or getting my picture taken with Oprah (though both were five-star experiences.) I was moved because I had heard the ‘whisper’ to choose me, and I listened and honored it.

I chose me to get away. I chose me to do what I love. I chose me to feed my mind, body, and soul. I chose me as a VIP. I didn’t wait for someone else or luck to decide.

Life has taught me that the real way to success, happiness, and joy is to honor our spirit and obey our calling. Our life is in our own hands. We are the masters of our fate. We are the heroes of our lives.

That requires that we choose ourselves and engage in the struggles, difficulties and uncertainties that come with getting from where we are to where we are called to be.

My weekend alone was testament that when we heed the call and choose ourselves as the hero of our own journey, what’s on the other side is beautiful. My meeting with Oprah was a symbol to me that I must keep listening and obey the whisper.

~Rita

Not How I Planned to Be On Oprah

Though not my only wake up call, this one got my attention. I was sitting at Harpo Studios in Chicago to view a taping of Oprah’s Life Class for Super Soul Sunday. A few weeks earlier my daughter had been interviewed and taped with eight other children by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, a child psychologist and author of The Conscious Parent. Clips of the kids from the interview were going to be included in a discussion between Oprah and Dr. Shefali during Oprah’s Life Class. Topics included for discussion were how it feels to be a child, communication with parents, discipline and beyond.

A few weeks earlier I’d thrown my 11-year-old daughter’s name in the hat to be a part of this. My daughter is very open and likes to talk. She’s been raised by a life coach. She got what it was going to be about. I myself am always looking for anything that supports me in becoming a better version of me. It was a perfect match.

After the taping with the kids, the producer came out to say how fabulous Casserly had been. “She was very open, forthcoming and shared a lot.” “Great,” I thought to myself. This should be—to use a favorite word of mine — “interesting.”

Before this day when I would see the show live-streamed, I’d received many calls from the Harpo producer. She asked, “Are you feeling comfortable with everything so far? We need to confirm that your husband will be at the show.” She called several times to confirm this last detail even though I’d learned that other husbands were not required to be present. Hmm. “That’s odd,” I thought.

As my husband and I reached the studio for the taping of the big show, the producer sat down with us. “Dr. Shefali really liked your daughter,” she repeated. “She shared a lot.” (Casserly had told me she’d spoken the most in the group discussion.) The producer went on, “We are going to put both you and your husband in the front row and have you both set up with microphones now. We don’t want to tell you too much because we want your responses to be authentic.”

She asked again, looking more at my husband now than me, “Are you ok? Do you feel comfortable?” The question only reminded me that I shouldn’t feel comfortable at this moment. My husband said, “Let’s get this show on.”

I didn’t know exactly what my daughter had shared, but let’s just say I knew it would provide an opportunity for me to grow my parenting. That’s what I had intended. That’s why I had volunteered. That, however, didn’t matter to my ego now. At this point, minutes before the show was to start, my ego knew it was in for a large helping of ego-pie, and it was having a fit for bringing me to this point. It felt like I was being led into the Hunger Games, but I was the only one who didn’t know it yet.

We took our seats. The show began. Casserly’s face came up on the large screen first, and she shared her feelings about not truly being heard.

Oprah turned to ask me how I felt when I heard my daughter say this. “Are you surprised?” she asked. Unfortunately, I wasn’t.

I’ve received whispers in my life that I am moving too fast, unbalanced, and that at times I’m not present even though I am there and talking. While I give my best to my clients, sometimes only half of me is left and available for those closest to me at the end of the day. I’ve realized this before.

The only difference this time was that I was getting the lesson on Oprah’s Life Class directly from Oprah, the ultimate life coach. How much louder did it have to be? Would I get my lesson this time? These were the most important questions to me.

Dr. Shefali and Casserly reminded me that our children don’t need to be molded, controlled, shaped, cajoled, fixed, or managed, and we don’t need to solve their problems. More than anything what they need from us as parents is to be seen, heard, and feel like they matter so they feel empowered to do this for themselves. Sometimes, as my daughter shares on the show, all they really need is a hug.

Taking the liberty here to use Oprah’s language, “some things I know for sure are…”

I am a master student of conscious living and conscious parenting—not a master.

We cannot be better parents or leaders until we acknowledge that there are moments that we make mistakes and that we can be and do better.

Life speaks to us very directly. We have to be willing to listen. Some of life’s lessons are hard but only because we are hard-headed. We can get a life lesson from a whisper or from a brick, our choice. There are a few life lessons I’ve chosen regrettably to learn by way of a brick. Being fully present in the moment is one of them.

Our children are our greatest teachers, if we are willing to truly listen.

Finally, we all want the same things for our kids and ourselves, but at times we don’t realize the way we’re going about is not working. We remain loyal to ways that no longer serve us. The good news is at the end of the day, we always have an opportunity to make a new choice.

Last week I came across a journal entry I’d written earlier this year. It read, “Be on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday.” Well, life had given me what I wanted and certainly what I needed once again. No, it wasn’t how I planned it…I believe it was better.

The airing of this Super Soul Sunday Life Class is this Sunday, September 21st on OWN at 8:00 CST/9:00 EST.

I hope everybody who has children sets their DVR and watches. The show has the power to change the way you see and parent your children. It did for me.

The Proven Five-Step Process So You Never Have To Feel Stuck Again

I recently noticed myself stalling on writing a presentation for a large group of elite professionals. The topic was new and the group larger than normal.

Every day I marked it as my #1 priority of the day, put it on a fluorescent post-it note on top of my mega “to-do” list, and put aside the time to do it. But after a few weeks, I noticed I hadn’t made any progress.

I asked myself, “What’s the deal? What’s going on?” (Yes, I have these conversations with myself all of the time.) What I got back was “I’m afraid of not hitting it out of the park, and I only have one try.”

Bottom line: I was blocked because I was afraid to fail.

Oh yes, I know intellectually that the masters of any game have risked failing in order to achieve their success. We’ve all heard the stories about Steve Jobs, Thomas Edison, Bill Gates, Sara Blakely (think Spanx) and the many times they failed before they nailed it.

Failing forward and failing often is one of the main things the successful do that others do not.

But failing forward and failing often is not our natural default. In fact, our brains are actually predisposed to be on the look-out for the negatives in our world and to fight or flee them at every turn.

As a result, despite how passionate we are about taking the next step (and using all of our productivity tools and strategies), our brains literally shut us down from taking action. The images I get are of red flashing emergency lights and alarms blaring to the robotic computer generated voice, “Abort mission, danger ahead! Abort mission, danger ahead!”

How on earth can you work against powerful brain science like that?

The answer: fail forward and fail often. Here are the five steps to break it down.

1. Find something that you’d like to try but haven’t because you’re afraid of tripping and being mortified. (Example: “I want to sell my business expertise by speaking and training groups.”)

2. Find a way to fail at it as quickly as possible. (For example, “I’m going to ask two people to join me for a training on X this week.”)

3. Do it and tell people you’re new to this. (For example, before you begin, tell everybody you’re a beginner and ask people for their feedback once you’ve provided your expertise).

4. Go home and analyze. (What came naturally, and what do I need to work on? What was fun–and what wasn’t?)

5. Set another challenge and fail again. (“Next time, I’ll host an open training for 10 people at my workplace during lunch with this information.”)

By shifting your focus to learning something as a beginner (instead of, say, producing something amazing), you will perform better, enjoy yourself more, find ways to learn and to succeed much more quickly.

You can use this same foolproof five-step process to get going on writing your book, trading for yourself, starting a business rehabbing houses, selling your health expertise or on-line photography.

Here’s the deal, it doesn’t matter what it is; it matters only that you take the next smallest step that doesn’t freak you out TODAY.

Your brain will get the new messages: “I’m still alive.” “I’m not going to die.” “This was actually fun.” “I’m ready for more!”

Through this simple process you can re-train your brain to accelerate your progress and success.

Cheers to your next failure! I’ll race ya!

~Rita

The #1 Step In The Fool-Proof Process To Getting What You Want

We all do it at times. We make our own choices for what we want based on a current reality, that is, the natural “next level,” OR in response to what is being offered to us.

We manipulate what we REALLY want into what we think we can get instead.

As a result, we skip the #1 step in the fool-proof process to getting anything we want– CHOOSE.

I’ll give you an example. A client is being sought after to fill a new position in the organization. When asked, “What do you want?” he states, “I’m going to see what they offer me and go from there.”

This waiting to choose based on logic or what others decide almost always guarantees you will limit who you become and what you receive!

See all kinds of cool things happen when you choose what you want based on your deepest desires. First, when you CHOOSE (regardless of what the current reality rationally dictates) you begin to show up in the world in a way that attracts what you want. You commit. Like a thoroughbred with blinders, you pursue your target.

Second, the universe or God or nature, whatever you want to call it, conspires to support you. I see it all of the time in my own life and in the lives of my clients. You get started and the universe shows up to bring situations together to support you.

Physiologically this is explained by understanding that our brain works to map out a path to create the picture it sees in the mind. Deliberately choosing the positive reality you want is, therefore, pivotal.

So here’s the point I want to make: don’t wait to choose what you REALLY want based on…

What the company decides
What the neighbors prefer
What seems logical or rationale
What you think you can have
Or what is being offered

YOU DECIDE.

Bottom line: Whether you’re a corporate leader, an entrepreneur, or full-time mom, your first step in getting what you really want is to choose it. You can create whatever you choose to be!

What the client above really wanted was the opportunity to have a global role within the company, with a limited amount of travel (sounds crazy, I know), with a salary 35% higher than a similar position had previously been paid and to receive options in the company.

He chose and saw this before it was offered, AND he got it all. But then that’s just the way it works.

Answer the question, what do I REALLY want in my business, my relationship, my finances, my life? Really.

You are what you choose to be. No if, ands, or buts!

Wishing you all that you wish for yourself,

~Rita

What’s Your ‘What’? Three Questions To Find the Super-Satisfying Work You Can’t Not Do

Jamie was stuck. She knew she wanted to leave her high-paying job at a high growth healthcare company and start her own company. What she didn’t know was to do ‘what.’

Jamie later recalled, “I knew I wanted more and could do and be much more, but I wasn’t sure what ‘more’ meant, and I didn’t have the tools to discover my dreams or make progress toward those dreams.”

Lao Tzu, a famous philosopher once said, “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and what you want.”

If this is true then why is it so hard to cough it up and spit it out?

I believe it’s because we’ve been asking the wrong questions.

Whether you want a career change now or want to know what your ‘what’ is after you play out your current career a few years from now, here are some questions to ask yourself.

Question #1 The first question isn’t “What do you want to do?” It’s “What kind of life do you want to live?”

Do you want to have your own company so you can be in charge of your schedule and be with your family as desired? Do you want to move into the corporate world where you wear fewer hats than an entrepreneur? Do you want to harness your years of experience and expertise and give back in some way? Do you want to develop a business that creates on-going income and opportunities to expand in the future?

In Jamie’s case, she wanted to build her own business so she could enjoy the rewards of her labor. She knew she wanted it to be “big” and have room to grow –maybe even be able to franchise it in the future.

When she began with the larger question, “What kind of life do I want to live?”it ruled out a lot of other options, such as consulting which was an existing and attractive opportunity. Once this was answered, she was clear when other options didn’t fit her bigger picture.

Question #2 What are you already doing during your day that you love the most? What are your passions? What do you love to do that comes easy? What do the books and magazines on your nightstand tell you about what you want more of in your life? What do you find yourself most interested in talking about?

For Jamie that was easy. She loved wellness and fitness and all things athletic. She acknowledged she was always intrigued to learn the latest about nutrition. She also knew she had a passion for business and marketing. She’d gone back to get her MBA for that reason.

Fitness and business were Jamie’s passions. The third question helped her bring it all together.

Question #3 What job functions (or business ideas) could utilize these passions?

Jamie’s challenge was to merge her passions into something she would be energized and love to do every day. I challenged her to come up with ten business ideas regardless of how crazy they were to bring the two together. It took her less than five minutes. I asked, “If you were the captain of a sinking ship and the ship would be saved if you could come up with ten ideas, what ideas would you have.” From here her business idea was born.

Jamie combined the need for professionally designed work space with her passion for health and wellness. A year later Enerspace was launched in downtown Chicago. Enerspace provides entrepreneurs, free-lancers, and small business owners, co-working space and additional opportunities for wellness.

Jamie’s vision has grown. Since the launch of Enerspace in Chicago, Jamie moved with her family and opened her second Enerspace in Palo Alto, CA.

It’s said that happiness is when we’re moving toward fulfilling our best version of ourselves. Jamie experienced the normal fears that come with doing something new for the first time. But today Jamie says, “I’m experiencing outcomes I had never dreamed possible.”

Deep down you do know what you want. You can figure it out. Remember, you can’t escape disappointment, judgment or rejection, so don’t let these keep you from identifying your ‘what.’

Living means approaching the world with arms wide open. When you do you’ll fly!

(If you want more tools to figure out what your ‘what’ is, sign up for a FREE Ignite Your Life CD at www.ritahyland.com. You’ll also receive instant access to the 20-page Do What You Love To Do Life Planning Playbook– on us. Enjoy!)

Enjoy the wonders of summer!

~Rita

A Key Secret To Nail Versus Fail Your Next Big Meeting, Presentation, Project, or Interview

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was managing a group of high-performers during my banking career. That afternoon, I was going before senior management to get approval for a sizable initiative I’d proposed.

I needed their backing and financial support to bring it to life. It was ten minutes before the meeting where I had to convince them.

I started to worry I wasn’t prepared enough. I saw in my mind the stakeholders around the table looking at me like I was crazy, my boss embarrassed of my presentation, and nobody going for what I was selling. I mapped out the unraveling of the entire meeting and saw my hard-earned reputation shattered.

Now there were only seven minutes before I’d be in the board room.

Then I stopped. I’d heard recently that spending time worrying creates what you don’t want. I’d never tested the theory, but I figured if there was a chance now was as good a time as any to change my thinking to a more supportive and positive reality.

I mapped out a positive outcome instead. I saw it in great detail. I saw myself fully articulate in my presentation, others contributing additional details and support, and everyone agreeing to the full proposal. Imagine my shock when the scenario played out as I’d seen in the positive reality I’d focused on.

Since then positive psychology has proven the theory true.

Brain science confirms that your brain constructs a world based upon how you expect it to look. The more time we spend imagining what might go wrong, the less time and resources our brain accesses a plan for things going right.

Assuming the worst until your proven wrong seems like a safe bet. After all, that way you’re never surprised or duped, and you have a plan for when things go wrong.

But because what you map out first in your mind is more likely to become reality, it’s best to spend your brain’s valuable resources looking for a success route before an escape route.

I initially started by looking at how I was going to fail rather than nail my presentation that day, but I caught myself in time to turn my brain’s resources to a win rather than a loss.

Since then I’ve learned you should always see your path to your desired outcome before you make a plan to survive mistakes or failure.

So if you want to start a business, don’t focus on all the businesses that fail in the first year. Instead focus on the ones that succeed, your passion to get your message or product out, and the people who will be supported by you succeeding.

If you want to change careers, don’t tell yourself there are no jobs in the new career field in your area, that the positions are limited or you don’t have the job skills being sought. Instead focus on your greatest game-changing moments in your life where you became the person you like being today. Seek out and connect with those who are already doing what you want to do. Change your reality to “If I knew it was possible, what would I do next?”

Your brain will always access more options, answers and solutions when you ask “how” rather than “what if.”

Your Turn: For the next big meeting, project, or presentation, make a mental picture of your route to success. What would it take to nail it? Play out the positive paths to your successful outcome. Do that for 30 minutes before you make a plan to mitigate risk or survive mistakes.

Four Strategies the US Navy SEALs to Relieve Anxiety and Achieve Peak Performance

If you know me you know I am passionate about what I do, and I only teach what works. I’ve tested everything personally and use proven best practices and science for my clients to get real tangible results.

That being the case I’m big on incorporating several things into a daily practice to become happier and increase performance.

They include

envisioning your five-star day in advance
tuning inward for best answers to challenges
acknowledging yourself to build your confidence muscle and
embracing difficult situations instead of resisting them.

Imagine when I found out the world’s toughest and most stressful profession uses these same tools for anxiety relief and peak performance.

That group is the US Navy SEALs. Navy SEALS operate under extremely taxing conditions, but are among the most resilient members of the armed forces.

Kathyrn Wallace in the July issue of O Magazine, reports the four ways SEALs keep their cool and how you can navigate your personal minefields too.

Prepare for Battle– Instead of wasting energy by catastrophizing about stressful situations, SEALs spend hours in mental dress rehearsals before springing into action, says Lu Lastra director of mentorship for Naval Special Warfare and a former SEAL command master chief.

Your turn: What the SEALs call ‘mental loading,’ I refer to as ‘intention setting.’ See a scenario in advance and envision you navigating it in the best possible way. The extra prep will ease anxiety and give you the confidence to react calmly to whatever situation arises.

Talk Yourself Up- “Positive self-talk is quite possibly the most important skill the SEALs learn during their 15-month training,” says Lastra. The most successful SEALs may not be the ones with the biggest biceps or the fastest mile, but they know how to turn their negative thoughts around.

Your turn: Come up with your own mantra to remind yourself that you’ve got what it takes to persevere during the tough times. (“I am safe and all is well.” “I am made for this.” “I can do this.” “Just do it.”)

Take a Deep Breath – “Meditation and deep breathing help slow the cognitive process and open us up to more intuitive thoughts,” says retired SEAL Commander Mark Divine. He developed SEALFit, a demanding training program for civilians that incorporates yoga mindfulness and breathing techniques. He says some of his fellow SEALS became so tuned-in they were able to sense the presence of nearby roadside bombs.

Your turn: Tune in. Practice what the SEALs call 4x4x4. Inhale for four counts, then exhale for four counts for four minutes several times a day. You’re guaranteed to feel calmer during any scenario and be able to hear your own best insights and creative genius.

Embrace the Suck – “When the weather is foul and nothing is going right, that’s when I think, Now we’re getting someplace!” says Lastra, who encourages recruits to power through the times when they’re freezing, exhausted, or discouraged. Why? Lastra says the suckiest moments are when most people give up; the resilient ones spot a golden opportunity to surpass their competitors. “It’s one thing to be an excellent athlete when the conditions are perfect,” he says. “But when the circumstances aren’t so favorable, those who have stronger wills are more likely to rise to victory.”

Your turn: Dig Deep. Decide you are going to keep going and finish strong. Remind yourself that this is what you are built for. Recall the compelling reason why you do what you do.

***

As the rate of information and demands being thrown at us increases, anxiety and stress are accelerating to new epic proportions. By incorporating these four strategies into your daily practice, you’ll not only give yourself the SEAL-like edge for higher performance, you’ll increase your happiness factor too.

Five Steps to Surviving Disappointment and Transcending Failure (a personal story with audio)

It’s the call after a kid’s sport tryout that any parent dreads. “Your kid didn’t make the team this year.”

In our case, my daughter got moved down to the “B” team after being on the “A” team for several years.

While neither a career ending move nor a complete surprise, it did not ease the blow.

The call came Thursday. I saved the news until Friday. The school’s year-end play was Thursday night, and I couldn’t ruin her on-stage performance. Afterwards, she was so happy that I couldn’t take her out of her bliss. Then Friday she raced out of school to ask if she could go to an impromptu play date. “I guess you can go,” I said out loud, “but I really need to tell you something,” I thought to myself. She skipped off merrily.

Was I trying to delay feeling my own pain, I wondered? After I picked her up from her friend’s house, I knew the time had come.

***

How did she take it? She bellowed and wailed. She later described receiving the new s like a punch in the stomach. She seemed shocked as she described a feeling like she was going to throw up. “Yep,” I thought, she now officially knows the feeling of disappointment and the dreaded “F” word–failure.

How would this experience affect her in the future? Would this be the moment she’d later work through at thirty in a coaching session when she wants to push through her fear of failure in order to pursue her dreams? I wondered if I was in the midst of a life-changing moment.

What happened next frankly shocked both my husband and me.

****

We both sat silently. We knew she needed to get it up and out. “Let it rip” is always my philosophy when it comes to grief and anger. Believe me when I say, “she did.”

Then she did something else. As she paced the house crying, she delivered a ‘download’ of direction that seemed to come to her between sobs.

“Dad, I need to tell my best friend (and fellow team member) that I didn’t make the team. “Will you call Mr.Carlson and tell him I need to come over tonight and tell Ellie in person. Tell him not to tell her. I want to tell her myself.” My husband said yes, he’d make the call.

Next, “Mom, can you get me Coach Erin’s telephone number? I want to call her and ask what I need to improve in order to get back on the team next year?” The intense crying now had her gasping for air with her head bouncing in hiccup-like convulsions as she’d so often done when she was a baby.

Then she let loose a huge wail as the reality of a season without the friends she’d grown close to settled in.

She, however, continued, “I need to call [the girl who is replacing me on the team] and congratulate her on moving up.” (I listened as she ended that 70-minute long telephone conversation with genuine happiness for the girl, “they are lucky to have you on the team.” You could hear her smile as she said these words.)

My heart sank. Where did that come from? Somehow in the middle of her intense emotion and pain, my daughter remained clear-minded and heart-centered.

I reflected, “Would I have thought of these three actions? If I did how long would it have taken me to pull them out? And would I have had the courage in my anguish to follow through?”

My daughter was proof that we humans can train ourselves to keep our heart wide open even after great disappointment, pain and failure. We don’t have to succumb to our emotions.

What had she done to help her get to this moment? I’d like to say it was me, but it wasn’t. Her father and I hadn’t given any direction.

Instead, Casserly had tapped into her already existing oceans of insight and wisdom. Her first step was to feel and acknowledge her pain. The next four steps required her to

ASK her ‘Higher Self’ or intuition the question. (Ex. What should I do next?”)
LISTEN to the answer or direction.
TRUST the answer and then
ACT on it.

She could have locked herself in her bedroom and thrown her head in her pillow — like I may have done in the same situation.

After all, it’s easy to make disappointment Personal–“I am a loser.”

And Pervasive: “It always happens to me and always will.”

Instead, she grieved and was present in each painful moment and conversation that followed so that she could MOVE ON.

She reminded me that day that I can’t always choose my circumstances, but I can always choose how I respond. Pain is temporary; suffering is a choice.

We will survive. We can transcend failure. Failure doesn’t define us.

Zen Parenting Radio did a heartfelt interview with Casserly regarding her story. If you’d like to hear her explain the process she went through, listen here.

The emotion was still raw when this was taped. It’s authentic and real. Casserly, nonetheless, persevered with grace and love. She was her mother’s teacher once again.

Click here to listen to the interview.

Solitude: Take a “Daily Vacation” for Peak Performance

I remember when I said it to my husband. “The best part of my day is in the morning before everyone wakes and at night after everyone goes to sleep.”

His response said it all. “Well, that’s sad.”

For a moment I felt shame. I realized he interpreted my enjoying silence and solitude as not enjoying my daily life.

I still stand by my statement, but I wondered for a moment, “Maybe he’s right. What’s wrong with me or my life that makes me desire solitude so much?”

I believe my husband’s response reflects that of society. The world today does not understand the need to be alone. Yes, take time for an appointment with a client, your boss, your hair stylist, but don’t you dare miss something else because you have an appointment with yourself.

In 1955 Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote in Gift By The Sea, “What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect: when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it — like a secret vice.” Almost sixty years after this writing, it seems society still has neither connected with nor embraced the message.

Solitude is the not the only way, but certainly for me the best way, to recharge from all the giving I put out during my waking hours. Solitude replenishes my spirit. It re-energizes me. It re-calibrates me in a way that changes how I respond to what is happening in my life, my level of stress, and my ability to tap into my creativity and my wisdom when making decisions.

When I don’t have that daily solitude, noise hurts my ears and physical touch hurts my body. I’m over-stimulated. It’s like I’m short-circuiting. During these moments, getting away is a must.

Spending time alone, allows me to hear things I can’t hear in the midst of the complicated life of two entrepreneurs and three active children. It’s in these moments of solitude, I hear whispers of how to simplify, and recall what really matters to me.

You see, everything we create is based upon how centered and clear-minded we are — especially in the midst of chaos. Alone time allows us to restore our clear-mindedness so we are in our peak zone for our busy and fast-paced lives.

While society has far from fully embraced solitude, it is becoming a recognized tool for higher performance and greater personal satisfaction even in our corporations. Meditation and yoga rooms, mindfulness training, and nap areas are in companies such as Google, Aetna, Cisco, Huffington Post, Promega and Salesforce.com.

It’s trending because studies have shown these practices train the mind to be more focused and resilient, to see with more clarity and to improve decision making, productivity and creativity. Practically priceless.

***

I no longer apologize for my desire to be alone. I’ve dropped the shame.

Now I’m proud to say, the best parts of my day are the morning before everyone wakes and after every one is in bed. I love my rich life in between these points even more as a result of my moments alone.

Solitude is no longer optional in the high-paced lives we’ve created. The good news is my husband gets this now. “Why don’t you step out and not come back for a while,” is a comment I gratefully receive from him so I can experience what I call my “daily vacation.”

Marcus Aurelius once said, “People look for retreats for themselves in the country, by the coast, or in the hills…There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat that in his own mind…So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.”

It’s your turn; schedule time alone with yourself. That’s right, put it on your calendar. Make a date with yourself this week. Yes, we have that vacation near the water this summer and maybe a moment on the weekend. But where will you find your solitude today?

I’d love to hear how you get time alone.

My Spiritual Smack-down, Bigger Boundaries & Higher Standards

We all know what it’s like to be disappointed by someone. You know the kind. Your mother-in-law discusses your husband’s old girlfriends with your kids. A colleague takes credit for your idea and sells it on-line. Your friend doesn’t listen to your repeated “no” and insists you go out with her. Your sister-in-law tells family members she hopes you don’t intend to have more children because you don’t seem to enjoy the ones you have.

At first when these things happen, I make it my business to assume “positive intention,” that is, to assume the individual did not set out to hurt or offend. She just may not have thought about how it feels to be on the receiving end of her behavior.

In these cases, I find it in my heart to let the person know “that doesn’t work for me,” forgive, and move on. But I don’t stop there. I take it a step further.

I make sure to look at what hidden opportunity or “backdoor gift” I could receive from the experience. In other words, how the unpleasant experience could support me in my personal growth.

For example, am I being beckoned to confront conflict versus running? To speak my true voice versus holding back? Or be willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint myself?

Once I identify the real opportunity arising from the uncomfortable situation, I take the obvious prescriptive action.

There are two reasons I consider this an important step. First, I don’t want to be a victim. I am in charge of my life. I never want to claim another is making me feel anything. I have a choice and want to exercise it. Second, I want to “get it,” that is, the backdoor gift, so I don’t unwittingly attract a pattern of this kind of behavior. In other words, I need to get the lesson so I’m not slapped upside the head with a larger dead fish at another time.

****

But what happens when someone steps over your boundaries again and again? It’s a question I’m asked often.

Is there a time to let go of a relationship because it no longer serves your highest good and what you’re committed to? Does being spiritual mean you have to not only forgive, but stay in an unhealthy and draining relationship until you can make peace? Is it a test?

These were the questions I asked myself recently during a challenging situation where I was disappointed by a family member.

I know I’m good with boundaries. When I say “no,” I mean “no.” It’s taken me years to choose a couple minutes of discomfort over long-term anger or resentment, but I do it now. So holding my boundaries wasn’t my lesson this time.

My lesson went a step further; could I give myself permission to leave the relationship before I “fixed” it? Uggh. This was it.

As a coach, I never try to “fix” my clients. None of them are broken or in need of being fixed. I guide them to their best. But I noticed, when it became personal and family, my ego became inflamed with itself, saying I should fix everything.

***

Oriah Mountain Dreamer in her poem, The Invitation, asks the question, “Are you willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint yourself? Are you willing to bear the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray your own soul?”

My head was challenged by this question, but my heart said, “Yes.” I knew that letting go was true for me because it felt like freedom and empowerment.

Oprah recently reiterated that the biggest lesson she learned from Maya Angelou was this: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

I realized I’d been hoping for the relationship to change, even when I had thirteen years of evidence that the person was exactly who she was showing up to be. It was my opportunity to stop suffering and fighting reality, and choose me.

I got my lesson, and my answer was to let the relationship go. Instead, I am sending love and light and best wishes and healing for all. Knowing we’re all connected, I trust that when I do what’s right for me, it’s also best for another.

There is nothing spiritual about staying in situations or relationships that are toxic or affront you. In fact it is spiritual to say “no more.”

It’s Your Turn. What are you accepting or hanging onto that, when you let go or eliminate it, will free you from negativity? Do you have a relationship where you need to establish a boundary or let go of it altogether?

Challenge yourself this week to raise your standards and expand your boundaries by choosing to spend less time with those who drain you or don’t feed your soul. You have all the permission you need to “let go.”