I remember it like it was yesterday. I was managing a group of high-performers during my banking career.  That afternoon, I was going before senior management to get approval for a sizable initiative I’d proposed.

I needed their backing and financial support to bring it to life.  It was ten minutes before the meeting where I had to convince them.

I started to worry I wasn’t prepared enough.  I saw in my mind the stakeholders around the table looking at me like I was crazy, my boss embarrassed of my presentation, and nobody going for what I was selling. I mapped out the unraveling of the entire meeting and saw my hard-earned reputation shattered.

Now there were only seven minutes before I’d be in the board room.

Then I stopped.  I’d heard recently that spending time worrying creates what you don’t want.  I’d never tested the theory, but I figured if there was a chance now was as good a time as any to change my thinking to a more supportive and positive reality.

I mapped out a positive outcome instead. I saw it in great detail. I saw myself fully articulate in my presentation, others contributing additional details and support, and everyone agreeing to the full proposal.  Imagine my shock when the scenario played out as I’d seen in the positive reality I’d focused on. 

Since then positive psychology has proven the theory true.

Brain science confirms that your brain constructs a world based upon how you expect it to look. The more time we spend imagining what might go wrong, the less time and resources our brain accesses a plan for things going right.

Assuming the worst until your proven wrong seems like a safe bet.  After all, that way you’re never surprised or duped, and you have a plan for when things go wrong.

But because what you map out first in your mind is more likely to become reality, it’s best to spend your brain’s valuable resources looking for a success route before an escape route.

I initially started by looking at how I was going to fail rather than nail my presentation that day, but I caught myself in time to turn my brain’s resources to a win rather than a loss.

Since then I’ve learned you should always see your path to your desired outcome before you make a plan to survive mistakes or failure.

So if you want to start a business, don’t focus on all the businesses that fail in the first year.  Instead focus on the ones that succeed, your passion to get your message or product out, and the people who will be supported by you succeeding.

If you want to change careers, don’t tell yourself there are no jobs in the new career field in your area, that the positions are limited or you don’t have the job skills being sought.  Instead focus on your greatest game-changing moments in your life where you became the person you like being today. Seek out and connect with those who are already doing what you want to do.  Change your reality to “If I knew it was possible, what would I do next?”

Your brain will always access more options, answers and solutions when you ask “how” rather than “what if.”

Your Turn: For the next big meeting, project, or presentation, make a mental picture of your route to success.  What would it take to nail it?  Play out the positive paths to your successful outcome.  Do that for 30 minutes before you make a plan to mitigate risk or survive mistakes.

It’s the call after a kid’s sport tryout that any parent dreads.  “Your kid didn’t make the team this year.”

In our case, my daughter got moved down to the “B” team after being on the “A” team for several years.

While neither a career ending move nor a complete surprise, it did not ease the blow.

The call came Thursday. I saved the news until Friday.  The school’s year-end play was Thursday night, and I couldn’t ruin her on-stage performance. Afterwards, she was so happy that I couldn’t take her out of her bliss. Then Friday she raced out of school to ask if she could go to an impromptu play date.  “I guess you can go,” I said out loud, “but I really need to tell you something,” I thought to myself.  She skipped off merrily.

Was I trying to delay feeling my own pain, I wondered?  After I picked her up from her friend’s house, I knew the time had come.

***

How did she take it?  She bellowed and wailed.  She later described receiving the new s like a punch in the stomach.  She seemed shocked as she described a feeling like she was going to throw up. “Yep,” I thought, she now officially knows the feeling of disappointment and the dreaded “F” word–failure.

How would this experience affect her in the future?  Would this be the moment she’d later work through at thirty in a coaching session when she wants to push through her fear of failure in order to pursue her dreams?  I wondered if I was in the midst of a life-changing moment.

What happened next frankly shocked both my husband and me.

****

We both sat silently.  We knew she needed to get it up and out.  “Let it rip” is always my philosophy when it comes to grief and anger.  Believe me when I say, “she did.”

Then she did something else. As she paced the house crying, she delivered a ‘download’ of direction that seemed to come to her between sobs.

“Dad, I need to tell my best friend (and fellow team member) that I didn’t make the team.  “Will you call Mr.Carlson and tell him I need to come over tonight and tell Ellie in person.  Tell him not to tell her.  I want to tell her myself.”   My husband said yes, he’d make the call.

Next, “Mom, can you get me Coach Erin’s telephone number?  I want to call her and ask what I need to improve in order to get back on the team next year?”  The intense crying now had her gasping for air with her head bouncing in hiccup-like convulsions as she’d so often done when she was a baby.

Then she let loose a huge wail as the reality of a season without the friends she’d grown close to settled in.

She, however, continued,  “I need to call [the girl who is replacing me on the team] and congratulate her on moving up.”  (I listened as she ended that 70-minute long telephone conversation with genuine happiness for the girl, “they are lucky to have you on the team.” You could hear her smile as she said these words.)

My heart sank.  Where did that come from?  Somehow in the middle of her intense emotion and pain, my daughter remained clear-minded and heart-centered.

I reflected, “Would I have thought of these three actions?  If I did how long would it have taken me to pull them out?  And would I have had the courage in my anguish to follow through?”

My daughter was proof  that we humans can train ourselves to keep our heart wide open even after great disappointment, pain and failure.  We don’t have to succumb to our emotions.

What had she done to help her get to this moment?  I’d like to say it was me, but it wasn’t.  Her father and I hadn’t given any direction.

Instead, Casserly had tapped into her already existing oceans of insight and wisdom.  Her first step was to feel and acknowledge her pain.  The next four steps required her to

• ASK her ‘Higher Self’ or intuition the question.  (Ex. What should I do next?”)
• LISTEN to the answer or direction.
• TRUST the answer and then
• ACT on it.

She could have locked herself in her bedroom and thrown her head in her pillow — like I may have done in the same situation.

After all, it’s easy to make disappointment Personal–“I am a loser.”

And Pervasive: “It always happens to me and always will.”

Instead, she grieved and was present in each painful moment and conversation that followed so that she could MOVE ON.

She reminded me that day that I can’t always choose my circumstances, but I can always choose how I respond.  Pain is temporary; suffering is a choice.

We will survive.  We can transcend failure.  Failure doesn’t define us.

Zen Parenting Radio did a heartfelt interview with Casserly regarding her story.  If you’d like to hear her explain the process she went through, listen here.

The emotion was still raw when this was taped.  It’s authentic and real. Casserly, nonetheless, persevered with grace and love. She was her mother’s teacher once again.

Click here to listen to the interview.

We all know what it’s like to be disappointed by someone. You know the kind. Your mother-in-law discusses your husband’s old girlfriends with your kids. A colleague takes credit for your idea and sells it on-line. Your friend doesn’t listen to your repeated “no” and insists you go out with her. Your sister-in-law tells family members she hopes you don’t intend to have more children because you don’t seem to enjoy the ones you have.

At first when these things happen, I make it my business to assume “positive intention,” that is, to assume the individual did not set out to hurt or offend. She just may not have thought about how it feels to be on the receiving end of her behavior.

In these cases, I find it in my heart to let the person know “that doesn’t work for me,” forgive, and move on. But I don’t stop there. I take it a step further.

I make sure to look at what hidden opportunity or “backdoor gift” I could receive from the experience. In other words, how the unpleasant experience could support me in my personal growth.

For example, am I being beckoned to confront conflict versus running? To speak my true voice versus holding back? Or be willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint myself?

Once I identify the real opportunity arising from the uncomfortable situation, I take the obvious prescriptive action.

There are two reasons I consider this an important step. First, I don’t want to be a victim. I am in charge of my life. I never want to claim another is making me feel anything. I have a choice and want to exercise it. Second, I want to “get it,” that is, the backdoor gift, so I don’t unwittingly attract a pattern of this kind of behavior.  In other words, I need to get the lesson so I’m not slapped upside the head with a larger dead fish at another time.

****

But what happens when someone steps over your boundaries again and again? It’s a question I’m asked often.

Is there a time to let go of a relationship because it no longer serves your highest good and what you’re committed to? Does being spiritual mean you have to not only forgive, but stay in an unhealthy and draining relationship until you can make peace? Is it a test?

These were the questions I asked myself recently during a challenging situation where I was disappointed by a family member.

I know I’m good with boundaries. When I say “no,” I mean “no.” It’s taken me years to choose a couple minutes of discomfort over long-term anger or resentment, but I do it now. So holding my boundaries wasn’t my lesson this time.

My lesson went a step further; could I give myself permission to leave the relationship before I “fixed” it? Uggh. This was it.

As a coach, I never try to “fix” my clients. None of them are broken or in need of being fixed.  I guide them to their best.  But I noticed, when it became personal and family, my ego became inflamed with itself, saying I should fix everything.

***

Oriah Mountain Dreamer in her poem, The Invitation, asks the question, “Are you willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint yourself?  Are you willing to bear the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray your own soul?”  

My head was challenged by this question, but my heart said, “Yes.”  I knew that letting go was true for me because it felt like freedom and empowerment.

Oprah recently reiterated that the biggest lesson she learned from Maya Angelou was this:  “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  

I realized I’d been hoping for the relationship to change, even when I had thirteen years of evidence that the person was exactly who she was showing up to be.  It was my opportunity to stop suffering and fighting reality, and choose me.

I got my lesson, and my answer was to let the relationship go.  Instead, I am sending love and light and best wishes and healing for all. Knowing we’re all connected, I trust that when I do what’s right for me, it’s also best for another.

There is nothing spiritual about staying in situations or relationships that are toxic or affront you. In fact it is spiritual to say “no more.”

It’s Your Turn. What are you accepting or hanging onto that, when you let go or eliminate it, will free you from negativity? Do you have a relationship where you need to establish a boundary or let go of it altogether? 

Challenge yourself this week to raise your standards and expand your boundaries by choosing to spend less time with those who drain you or don’t feed your soul. You have all the permission you need to “let go.”

Do you ever say “yes” when you mean “no?”  Has a close friend betrayed your trust and expected you to act as though it wasn’t hurtful or offensive? Does a family member ask your opinion then not listen when you give it?  Maybe your older brother still bullies you like he did when you were ten.  Do your conversations with a loved one make you doubt yourself or cause you to feel insecure?

Setting boundaries can transform the way you live and love in these relationships.

We forget that we train people how to treat us. But we can retrain them. It is our responsibility to have the confidence to define and denounce what is unacceptable treatment.

That’s when I bring out two of my favorite words – no more.

You can say “no more” to a person or a condition.

“No more” acting like that offensive behavior is ok, taking my ideas as your own, speaking to or about me disrespectfully, ignoring what I say or taking and never contributing to our relationship.

“No more” can also be directed at ourselves.  No more telling ourselves we’re not good enough or worthy.  No more investing in and accepting relationships that disappoint and drain us.  No more overlooking betrayal.  No more under-utilizing our talents and true gifts. No more buying into the lie that we don’t need help or that we don’t have enough time to take care of ourselves.  NO MORE!

 “No more” indicates a decision— “not in my house, not on my watch, not in my lifetime. No way, no how.”

In other words, “I am complete with that thinking, that way of being, that treatment, or that behavior” whether from myself or others.

Saying “no more” indicates you know what you are committed to rather than what you are worried about.  These words let others know things are changing.  I have a boundary, and you crossed it.

“No” is one of the first three words we learn as children.  We say it all day long. Then something happens between 3-years-old and mid-life. We stop saying “no” and simply turn our cheek even when our personal standards and boundaries are crossed.

We start “shoulding” on ourselves.  “I should help them no matter what.” “I should accept that.”  “They are family.”  “I need to just do it.”  “I should let it go.”  As a result we lose our boundaries, and our relationships become plagued with judgment, resentment and disappointment.

Extending our boundaries is transformational because when we remove the unsupportive, we make space for who we really are versus who we think we should be.  Then often what previously eluded us for so long– intimate relationships, fulfilling work, energy, health, and well-being suddenly find a place to show up.

In the past month I’ve witnessed boundaries transform marriages, empower children, be responsible for an engagement, a child’s conception, and pull a man straight out of a full-blown mid-life crisis right into his ideal job.   Yep.  All this from saying “no more” to the people or circumstances that no longer supported them.

Saying these two little words can be tough and take courage.  After all, there is a chance the recipient (including your own ego) won’t like the change.  The fears of rejection, judgment or no longer receiving love are the top reasons we don’t hold our boundaries.

Ahh but the upside of extending boundaries is, well, priceless.  Freedom and liberation are the by-products.

Author, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, in her poem “The Invitation” says it like this: “Are you willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint yourself?  Are you willing to bear the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray your own soul?”

When we are able to shout from the mountain top “YES,” we open the doors to receiving the inner peace, happiness and fulfillment we are meant to experience.

As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve come a long way.  I never said “no.”  I didn’t think I had a right to do so.  I struggled with holding boundaries and being spiritual.  I’ve since learned that the two are not mutually exclusive; they’re imperative in a fulfilling spirit-driven life.  Now I know it’s the most honest and authentic way to be in my relationship with myself and others.

Where have your boundaries become soft?  What area of life is beckoning you to raise your standards? What do you need to say “no more” to, so you can have more of the love, spark, and peace you deserve?

By setting boundaries you make room to experience who you really are and give back to others their power to do the same!