One of the things I find most rewarding in the work I do with men — many of whom are fathers and all of whom had one — is to observe the relationships between fathers and their children.

My conversations with these fathers usually begin with a discussion of overcoming some type of logistical, internal, or external obstacle in their business or career.

Often then, the conversation will turn toward their children. A father might say:

• “I want to save time to ask you about something with my kid.”
• “I’m worried about my son.”
• “Can I get your take on this?”

Or sometimes they close their eyes and say, “I really messed up with my kid this week.”

As these conversations shift, something energetically shifts too. It’s visible. They are tuning into the “why” behind their work and what they are most proud of — their role as a father.

These men who are leading people, running companies, and leaping trains in a single bound — soften. Their life’s priority is now on the table.

They may light up as they share stories of their kid’s success at the swim meet. How smart she is or how something he said cracked him up. Or they may become starkly serious as they ask for help with their teen’s anxiety, a son who is being bullied, or how their own decisions now will affect their children in the future.

What they all share in common, regardless of how they express or demonstrate their love, is that they love deeply.

There isn’t a man whose eyes don’t get wet when he understands the impact he has on his child.

When I see it click just how much a child needs and yearns for their love and validation, many men have asked to cut our meeting short so they can correct a mistake or express what they haven’t said enough to their child before.

There is no greater leverage for a man’s behavioral change, than when the “why” becomes about his child. The impossible becomes a given. Stuck turns to unstoppable.

During a client conversation, a seasoned leader asked me my thoughts about his child who was not performing at the level he sensed his son was capable. The father expressed his frustration. When we dug deeper and the father looked through a different lens, he could see that his son was resistant to do what was true for himself because he thought it would disappoint his father.

Seeing the situation through a new lens, the father told his middle-aged son that no matter what choice his son made, he would always love him unconditionally. This set his son free. My client reported that their conversation was “life-changing.” That’s the power of a father’s relationship with their child.

After decades and countless conversations with men, what I know for sure is whether your father is still with you in this lifetime or not, no matter whether he expressed himself or not — he loved with all he had.

No matter how well fathers speak or demonstrate their love (or not), no matter whether their days reflect their value of family (or not) — they care deeply and are doing the best they can to love their family.

If you are a Father, thank YOU. It is not an easy job but certainly an important one.

I know you work hard and the responsibility you carry can at times feel overwhelming. I get it. I see you. Thank YOU.

But here’s something else I encourage you to keep in mind. Your children will not measure you or your life by the volume of your accomplishments, not the prominence of your achievements, not the lifestyle you provided, or the material gifts you leave for them in the end. The metric on which your life will be judged is how you made your child feel.

The simple way to know today how you are doing in terms of that metric comes down to two simple questions: What do I want my children to say about me? Would they say that today?

If there is a gap — not to worry — you have time. Make a resolution to live every day going forward so that in the end your life will be judged a success based on the right metric.

The most direct route to improving your child’s life is to improve your own — emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Be their model. There is a direct and high ROI when you do.

Make your own happiness a priority and be emotionally available to your kid. No matter how old they are — they still want your love, support, and validation. I haven’t found an exception yet.

Finally, remember that there is no way to be a perfect father. You will get things wrong. It’s the nature of the game. But, it’s never too late to become a great father — until you can’t.

As you spend your days giving so much, remember the greatest gift you can ever give your child is free, that is, to tell him or her, “You are unconditionally loved by me.”

Cheers to father’s everywhere! Happy Father’s Day!

~Rita

 

Related Post:

• The Power and Love of a Father

 

Have you ever thought about who you would be without your programming? Who would you be without the identity you work so hard to hold up? Who would you be if you weren’t proving who you are? I asked myself these questions recently after my body informed me that once again I’m pushing too hard instead of allowing.

Many times in my life I’ve realized the resistance I have to allow the very things I want more of. There are times when I resist guidance, joy, ease, and support. Maybe you do the same?

So why does this happen?

I believe we are inundated with messages that we need to be more, do more, and accomplish more, suggesting we are not enough as we are already. So we bend who we are so that others admire us. We do things to be loved. We work to keep up. We believe we have to earn our worthiness which we measure in accomplishment and other extrinsic rewards.

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, but eventually, we do this for so long that we stop trusting ourselves. We forget who we are.

I talk to smart, talented, experienced individuals, often experts in their industries, who are in mid-life and mid-career. It’s interesting, their self-doubt and loss of confidence seem to happen at just the point when their experience and abilities are ripe and EXACTLY what others need most.

I haven’t found the science behind this yet. I believe the reason may be that by mid-life we have lost connection with ourselves. We have forgotten the unlimited potential that we are. So we question whether we are enough. As a result, we experience stress from the rub between who we are and who we think we need to be.

So what would you stand for, what masterpiece would you build, or what big idea of yours would you act on if you acknowledged that you are enough and already have what you need?

I ask because the world is in need and waiting for what you have to give.

We are in a historical time where many of us are being called to collaboratively build our future. And here is today’s broadcast: if you are reading this, you are one of them. Yes, you’re in the club. Your help is needed. The time is now.

The problem is that we can’t intellectualize our way back to ourselves, but we can connect and tune in. What if we slowed down and listened?

I know. I still feel the resistance to slowing down at times. But it’s in the stillness where we can tune in and return to ourselves. It’s when we hear beyond the noise. It’s in the stillness instead where we hear our wisdom, insight, and guidance.

Do you see how loved and supported you are? Have you noticed? Take a look around you. Your life is proof of it.

You’ve always been supported.​
​You’ve always had enough.
You’ve always been enough.
You’ve always been protected.
You’re talented.
You’re gifted
You’re blessed.
You can choose to feel good right now.
You have the power to create solutions.
You have the power with your positive thoughts to change your life.
Your positive thoughts can change the lives of those around you.
You have the power to help others simply by bringing your positive energy.
You can tune into the stillness within you.
You can honor the gifts you have to bring.
You can celebrate the experience and talent you have to offer.
You can smile.
You can allow things to be easy.
You can start trusting that you are supported.
You always have been.

Today you KNOW it.

So stop forcing. Stop thinking you have to be something other than who you are.

Start allowing and trust that you are supported. Whatever it is that you are feeling called to bring forth, know that you are RIGHT on time. There has never been a better time.

In this month of spring as the rain nurtures the ground and prepares the earth for what it is to grow, consider nurturing yourself by embracing the message above.

Never forget how unconditionally loved and powerful you are RIGHT NOW.

As the Walt Disney classic movie Dumbo reminds us, Dumbo didn’t need the feather; the magic was in him.

You so have this.

One of your biggest fans,

~Rita

 

It was the fourth time I fell on the second day of my initiation into skiing that really knocked me.

My knee twisted and my head throbbing, I wondered to myself as I looked up at the blue sky “Is this what a concussion feels like?”

My vision of taking up skiing hadn’t looked like this.

Just 24 hours earlier I was with our ski instructor, decked out in my brand new ski apparel at the base of the mountain. I was optimistic and fully prepared to ski for the first time at age 50. I was ready for my breakthrough. It was going to be huge. I’d be skiing down the mountain like those 3-years-olds fearlessly flying by me in no time.

That was the first of five phases of what psychologists Don Kelley and Daryl Connor describe as “The Emotional Cycle of Change.” (ECOC). I was in the stage of Uninformed Optimism. It occurs initially when we are excited about our goal and have our eye on the prize.

That afternoon when our instructor asked me if it was okay that she move the family onto a steeper run even though I hadn’t mastered the one we were on, my positive emotional state started to wane. I felt a hint of negativity in the air.

It was becoming apparent to me what it would take to ski “Morningstar” – the trail that I’d identified I’d conquer before the trip was over. It was still not impossible and I wasn’t giving up, but the mountain looked bigger at this stage.

After lunch, things got worse.

I took that fall I mentioned above. With my head hurting and my knee sore, I then erred and followed my husband down a run I describe as nothing short of death-defying. I was going so fast, that fear took over, and I decided to take myself out.

Now I was soured. It was only day two. I’d entered into the emotional cycle Kelley and Connor aptly call Informed Pessimism.

I was acutely aware of the pain and potential cost of my goal. I wanted out of the discomfort – this Valley of Despair. I walked back to the lodge.

At that moment, my husband and eldest daughter looked at me as tears began to sting my eyes.

My daughter stood up and put her arm around me. She led me back out to the mountain. “Mom, you got to end today on a good note,” she said.

And I did. I finished without an injury that would take me out for good. It was a small win.

I woke up the third day feeling more positive. I decided to take my first run of the day alone. I noticed a small improvement and became hopeful. My consistent and committed actions were bearing fruit. I had entered the third stage: Hopeful Realism.

By the end of the day, my likelihood of success seemed much brighter. I was entering Kelly and Connor’s fourth stage of the emotional cycle of change called: Informed Optimism.

In the afternoon on our fourth and last day, I called the family together and said it was time for us to head up to Morningstar.

I recall the chair lift seeming to go on forever. I thought we’d never reach the top. We got off and took a family picture before we headed down. I chuckled. “This is good for posterity in case I don’t make it,” I thought to myself.

Next thing you know, I was doing it! The actions that just three days earlier were difficult and uncomfortable felt more natural and automatic.

I was experiencing my breakthrough — the moment a limitation shifts and the impossible becomes possible. I had entered the fifth and final stage: Completion.

Now I know the life and business breakthroughs you desire this year may not occur within four days. But I share this story and the Emotional Cycle Of Change (ECOC) to prepare you so that when you enter into the Valley of Despair you don’t quit – instead you manage your emotions effectively.

When we realize that every breakthrough we have is going to go through these five emotional stages, it removes the uncertainty that causes our brain to get in our way and halt us.

When we are aware of the cycle, we know the next phase is coming and are less likely to get derailed by any negative emotions.

The good news is that every time we have a breakthrough it not only builds our capabilities but also our confidence! The problem is we tend to forget all of the breakthroughs we’ve had before and too often stop ourselves when we reach the Valley of Despair.

One way to avoid quitting when the struggle gets intense is to have a compelling vision. One you want so badly that you feel the joy of the outcome. Not the how and when; but the laughter, high-fives, and wows when you succeed!

These last two years have set the stage for change and breakthroughs in many of us. Maybe you’re feeling that it’s time for a breakthrough for you.

In Episode 88 of my podcast, Playing Full Out, I show you how to declare your breakthrough for 2022. I invite you to identify yours and remember that if you find yourself in the Valley of Despair to keep moving through it. It means you’re on track and halfway there!

Congratulations on making it this far! I am with you and rooting for you in 2022!

Hugs,
Rita

 

The other week I was shopping in a store after a doctor’s appointment when my daughter called me from college. She started her freshman year this fall and like “firsts” for many of us, this ride has been full of ups and downs.

I knew she had not been feeling well physically. Now I could hear on this call that her spirit was low too.

I listened empathetically as I silently reminded myself, “Connection over correction,” a mantra I’ve been repeating to myself in my conversations with her lately.

Through all that my daughter was saying, I could hear The Three P’s roaring. That is:

• This is personal, “It’s only happening to me.”
• It’s pervasive, “I’ve been given a bad hand in every area.”
• It’s permanent, “It’s never going to change.”
  

I knew exactly how she was feeling. I’ve been a victim of the 3 P’s more than a few times in my life.

So instead of giving her advice, I told her a story about when I went to college, when I started my first job in Chicago, last month when I started a new project — and oh yes — just last week!

During all of these times of forward motion and building something new, I both hated and loved it. There were times I wanted to quit. Sometimes I shed tears. And then when it ended I was exhausted, exhilarated, satisfied, and grateful all at once. We can all count on this same cycle of feeling anytime we attempt to create something new.

Such is the process of new beginnings.

No matter how many times I create a new training, presentation, partnership, or podcast I go through this similar journey. It’s a lot like riding a roller coaster…

You decide to take the ride.

You anxiously wait in line questioning if you’ve made the right decision.

You strap yourself in because now it’s go time.

You hold on tight through the unpredictable ups and downs.

You do your best to enjoy the ride.

Similar to the roller coaster ride, when I take on something new, I can count on a few things happening. I will…

Second-guess myself.

Wonder if I’m enough.

Criticize my choices.

Feel awkward.

Scream or shed some tears.

Worry what others think.

Consider quitting.

Feel excited and energized.

Experience deep satisfaction when I am done!

Doing anything for the first time (or the first hundredth time) is unpredictable and uncontrolled and we humans inherently resist uncertainty.

But somehow when we know this cycle is normal and is part of the natural creation process, we can accept the unpredictable roller coaster ride as a universal experience. We can see that it doesn’t discriminate against age, accomplishment level, title, or experience. And it is not personal, permanent, or pervasive. In fact, our response to the ride is completely normal.

Just like a roller coaster, the ride will come to an end. Our work is to not let the ups and downs keep us from getting on the ride again — or a new ride altogether!

As I ended my conversation with my daughter I sensed something had shifted in her — and in me too. We were both calmer. In fact, as I turned off my phone having acknowledged this universal truth, I remembered I was in a small and busy boutique. I looked up and saw a group of women who had overheard me.

One woman turned to me and said, “You said it, mom, and you summed it up well for all of us.”

Here’s to allowing and embracing all the emotions on your journey, and never stopping because of them.

~ Rita

I’ve been thinking lately about how ingrained our culture is to focus solely on outcomes.

Too often we expect to produce fruits without caring for the roots.

Years ago I recall attending an event where the speaker opened the three-day training talking about the seasons being a metaphor for life. Specifically, I recall him giving a lot of attention to our metaphorical Winter being a time for stillness and rest.

I still remember the visceral reaction I had to this discussion. I was annoyed!

I hadn’t attended the event to hear how I should be still and rest during my proverbial Winter. I was there to learn how I could be in a state of perpetual production.

If there was any season I wanted to learn about it was how to work harder in Summer so I could produce and harvest non-stop in Fall… and Winter… and Spring.

I had just had my third child. He was only three months old at the time. My thoughts based on the models I’d observed were that the only way I could run my business, meet with clients, raise a family and maintain a healthy marriage was to be in a state of perpetual production.

In hindsight, I didn’t want to learn to flow with the seasons. I wanted to know how I could defy them.

I don’t need to tell you what happens when you continue to plant the same crop over and over again without ever giving it a break. The crop suffers as the soil is depleted. Eventually, there is no harvest.

Not long after that event, I recall my body taking on an intense infection. I remember laying on the floor next to my infant son. My body was so fatigued and depleted that it couldn’t produce food for him or anything else for that matter.

I was stunned, but I shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t the first time I’d overextended myself and not appreciated a more balanced rhythm.

Fast forward over twelve years later… I respect the seasons.

I’m completely clear on the fact that we are not meant to be in perpetual production. No matter how much our ego and domesticated self says we can. Even if we believe we’re the exception to the rule.

Looking back, I realize now I’ve made mistakes in how hard I pushed myself and others. I’m certain I unknowingly missed moments with my kids and family along the way as a result.

What I know deep down is that a well-lived life is no longer measured by a stack of achievements but a stack of presence-filled moments.

As my first child departs for college next month, I am respecting the season I’m in and am setting an intention to experience the moments until then with:

• More connection instead of direction
• More calm energy instead of tense energy
• More creativity instead of routine
• More trust and less fear
• More happiness focus than success focus​
  ​

I’ve learned that when we listen and give our brains, bodies, and spirits a break, it not only allows the systems to replenish but also allows our subconscious to work on creating something new.

If you have been pushing for an extended period, I invite you to challenge culture’s approach to always be producing and take time to cultivate — and maybe even restore — those things that are the source of your success and happiness.

Enjoy your season!

All my best,

~Rita