From Disappointment to Power: Mastering the Art of Bouncing Back

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Hi friend! How do you bounce back after people let you down? When a family member, boss, organization, or even institution disappoints you? Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot in my conversations about people letting us down and the ongoing fallout of those disappointments.

In this episode, I’m sharing the four-step process to understand your disappointment and help you manage it so you can have what I call a good bounce-back rate. That is, the time between the disappointment and getting back to your centered and best self. Whether you’ve been recently let down or are preparing for future challenges, these steps will guide you to navigate and recover from disappointments gracefully and protect your well-being so that you don’t suffer or becoming hardened by the initial disappointment.

After all, the worst thing that can happen after someone else’s disappointing behavior is that we become or play smaller.

Understanding Disappointment

Disappointment is a natural emotional response when our reality does not align with our expectations. Whether it’s a missed opportunity, a betrayal, or an unforeseen challenge, disappointments commonly catch us off guard.

For example, a client of mine recently discovered that another executive officer had secretly set up multiple fake businesses on the company ledger. The leader had been stealing several million dollars from the company over the last few years. She was completely blindsided by this revelation. Not only had she been let down but she also felt violated, realizing she had unknowingly facilitated some of his altercations.

The Four Archetypes of Disappointment Responders

The feeling of disappointment can be unsettling and can really trip us up. However, by understanding and recognizing our default response to disappointment, we can proactively navigate those emotions more effectively before they hijack us.

Here are the four general responses I see when it comes to disappointment:

Retaliator

The Retaliator wants to get even. When someone disappoints or hurts them, they feel compelled to make the other person feel hurt as they have. This approach unfortunately drains valuable energy, keeping the individual stuck in anger and ultimately does more harm than good.

Fixer

The Fixer believes they are the one that can “fix” or change the person who disappointed them. They may invest inordinate time trying to change the other person’s behavior. This is often seen in in relationships where one person hopes that the disappointment is a one-time event and not a reflection of the others values or lack of care or concern for them. Despite this good intention, this often leads to more repeated disappointment and exhaustion.

Self-Protector

In response to being hurt, the Self-protector builds walls to prevent future disappointment. They create rigid rules, withdraw trust, and become hardened. While this may feel like safety for them, it ultimately limits connection and vulnerability.

Self-Actualized Leader

This is the most evolved response. The self-actualized leader acknowledges disappointment, processes his emotions, actively works to manage their emotions, and quickly returns to their centered and best self.

Four Steps to Reclaim Your Power After Disappointment

Now that we understand the disappointment and its common responses, let’s discuss how to move through it effectively and empower yourself after feeling let down.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Disappointment

Pretending something isn’t disappointing won’t make it go away. You have to feel it to heal it. Instead of constantly avoiding, allow yourself to express your feelings. Write about them, talk to someone, or process your feelings in whatever way feels right. The more you acknowledge your emotions, the less power they hold over you.

Step 2: Don’t Make it Mean Something

One of the biggest mistakes we make is assigning meaning to a disappointment that isn’t there in the first place. If someone lets you down, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good enough, valuable, or worthy. It also doesn’t mean that everyone of a certain group or identity is that way. Remember, people’s actions are shaped by their own experiences, not yours. Avoid making assumptions and resist the urge to take things personally.

Step 3: Reclaim Your Mental Space

Ask yourself this question: “What can I do to stop this from taking up more real estate in my mind?” The disappointment has already taken something from you— don’t let it take more. Reclaim your power by shifting your focus toward what truly matters: your well-being, your priorities, and your future.

Step 4: Start From Where You Are Now

The most powerful phrase I tell myself is: “Start from where I am now.” This simple shift brings you back to the present moment, allowing you to move forward without being weighed down by the past. What’s done is done; you need to accept it, and the best thing you can do is decide how to take charge of your response moving forward.

Bonus: The Power of Letting Go

I do this anytime I’m not at peace when I feel irritated or disappointed by someone. In my mind, I wish the other well. Sending them with love is freeing and cuts the cords of disappointment or irritation. And in return, you also set yourself free because you can’t be angry and give love at the same time.

Cultivating Resilience and Inner Peace

Disappointment will come whether we like it or not, but you have the power to determine how much it impacts you. How fast you bounce back. Acknowledge it, process it, and choose not to give it more energy than necessary. You are too important and too needed to stay stuck in disappointment.

What matters is your state of mind and how quickly you can bounce back to your center because you are always attracting your current state to you.

In this episode, I share how:

Understanding disappointment and its impact helps you manage emotions and control the power you give it.
To process your response to disappointment and consciously choose to move forward.
To reclaim your power and protect your peace by intentionally shifting your mindset, setting boundaries, and returning to your most grounded self.

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, The Must-Have Skill That Separates Highly Successful Leaders From the Rest
Listen to Leading From a Heart at Peace
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Must-Have Skill That Separates Highly Successful Leaders From the Rest

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you think you’re a good listener? Most leaders do, but research shows that we only retain about 25% of what we hear. That means distractions and assumptions get in the way. But what if you could train yourself to become a 5-star active listener and stronger leader?

In this episode, I’m sharing powerful active listening techniques to boost your workplace productivity and strengthen your relationships in all areas of your life. Inspired by my conversation with Mary, a seasoned leader who masters and actively practices what it means to be an outstanding listener. By applying my BAN method, you can transform every interaction into a powerful and impactful conversation.

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is more than just hearing words. It’s the ability to listen to what’s being said, understand its message, and make the other person feel valued. Even if you disagree with what the person is saying, your acknowledgment creates a sense of powerful connection.

Transformative Impact of Active Listening

But why is becoming a better listener important? As a high-functioning leader you know you can walk and talk at the same time, right? Not really.

Research has shown that active listening has a profound effect that can change both your relationships and your environment. When someone feels truly seen and heard, the law of reciprocity comes into play. They feel valued and respected, and in turn, they’re more likely to actively listen to you. This mutual exchange sparks better collaboration, reduces conflict, and supports a more productive, supportive, and trusting atmosphere.

Common Barriers to Active Listening

Even with the best intentions in mind, there are sneaky habits that often block our ability to understand. Here are the habitual practices that stop us from becoming better listeners:

Multitasking: Dividing attention between the conversation and other tasks like responding to texts, cars, or emails.
Pre-emptive Judgments: Forming counter-arguments and assumptions about what will be said next.
Interjections: Interrupting with personal anecdotes or finishing someone else’s thoughts.
Seeking Validation: Focusing on sounding interesting instead of being engaged and interested in the conversation.

Evaluating Your Listening Skills

Before diving into the techniques that can level up your listening game, let’s first take a moment and honestly assess where you currently stand. After all, you can’t improve what you can’t measure.

Grab a pen or just reflect as you go through the following questions. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being = I don’t do this very often and 10 = being I do it very often:

When someone’s talking to me, I think about what I’m going to say next to make sure I get my point across correctly.
How often do you feel comfortable with silence and refrain from filling in the pauses in conversations?
As I listen, do I compare the other person’s viewpoint with my own?
Do I interrupt people when I’m excited by the conversation?
Do I help people finish their sentences?
If the other person is struggling to explain something, do I jump in with my own suggestions or answer the questions that I just asked them?

If your numbers are 5 or higher, know that you’re completely normal, and there is an opportunity to improve your active listening skills.

BAN Method to Become a 5-Star Active Listener

B – Be Curious

This is one of the most important qualities of leaders. Leading with curiosity and asking better questions to understand the speaker’s perspective. Instead of making another statement, make it a habit to ask 1 to 2 follow-up questions based on what you just heard.

For example, my husband brought up a topic that at first could have looked like I needed to help him solve a problem. But because I was truly actively listening, instead of solving a logistical problem, I asked him how I could support him. This reduces assumptions and encourages deeper conversation.

A – Apply the 5-Second Rule

When someone finishes speaking, pause for five seconds before responding. One of the things that I recently noticed about my client, Mary, a five-star active listener, was how thoughtful and slow her responses were. She uses the power of pause and silence to create space for the conversation to breathe.

This intentional pause allows the speaker to complete their thoughts and shows that you value their words. It also gives you time to formulate a more thoughtful response.

Now, I get it—five seconds can feel like an eternity, especially if you’re not used to it. But in this practice, you’re really reminding yourself to naturally slow down your pace, even if it’s not for the entire 5 seconds.

N – Notice

Notice when you are not actively listening and drop the behavior, whether it’s putting away distractions, maintaining eye contact, or patiently listening without interrupting; these practices affirm that the speaker is valued and understood.

Implement Change

Your action step is to choose one aspect of the BAN method to focus on for a week. Whether it’s being more curious, applying the 5-second rule, or noticing when you are not fully listening, adopt this practice and observe the changes in how others respond to you.

Remember, the world needs more active listeners, and you’re the perfect one to begin it.

In this episode, I share how:

Active listening can shape the quality of productivity and relationships by helping others to feel truly heard and understood.
Ways to ban poor communication and be a better communicator.
Assess and enhance your listening skills to make you a more impactful leader.

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, Four Simple Steps to Reset Your Goals Based on Your Ultimate Future
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

Learning How To Brake

It’s New Year’s Eve! You’ve made it another year!

Before you move on with big decisions and heavy resolutions tonight, do this with me…Exhale. Pause. Rest and relax.

True warriors know how to brake, pause and fill themselves before they move into action.

When we go into the pause and the silence, we hear answers to our questions.

What have I learned?

What am I still learning?

What area of my life needs to be interrupted?

What am I committed to?

What am I finally giving myself permission to experience or have?

For example, what if you gave yourself permission to choose a second act this year? To start fresh. To release the stuff that no longer works for you. To cherish and do more of what does. To author a new next act filled with the freedom and happiness you’ve been working towards having someday.

When you do this, what would you let go of? Is it old patterns of taking care of everyone else at your expense, self-doubt, worry, control, guilt, regret, self-criticism or constantly being busy?

Maybe it’s time to soften the high-functioning, highly capable part of you that can leave you overstretched and not available to hear what’s really calling you.

Regardless, promise me this…

Under the stars tonight mark this point as a change of a new cycle — your next act!

I have learned a lot this year and there is still more I am learning. One thing I learned is that there are still more parts of me to challenge, soften and let go of all together in order to be the best version of me.

I resisted for a while. Then, after a few months, I found things were better than I expected. That the interruption was necessary for the transformation.

Isn’t that how it happens for most of us?

We resist change even if the change has the potential to be really good.

My lesson: Always be open to growing. Don’t judge yourself for how long it takes. Masterpieces are worth the wait.

Which brings me back to your next chapter. It’s going to be great!

How do I know? Because you’ve never been this version of you before. You’ve never had this much experience, wisdom or as many resources. You’ve been preparing for this moment for a lifetime. You have what it takes for whatever you want — or better!

My growth and learning this year came because I took the pause. Slowed it down and allowed myself to be present. I learned that I don’t like slowing down and that was a piece of my growth. Perhaps you can relate?

What I am saying is exhale. Pause. Ground yourself and restore before taking action.

You have time. There is no rush. Your next chapter exists and is simply waiting for you to claim it. It will be there.

You’ve come a long way. Pause to acknowledge yourself for a year well played. Here’s to your next one. May it be filled with purpose and freedom!

Happy Sweet New Year, friend!

x-Rita

The Care and Nurturing of Meaningful Connection

As I headed into my hometown to be with my family for Thanksgiving, I saw a sign at the local cleaners that read, ”Until further notice…celebrate everything.” Amen, I thought. This year, has reminded me how temporary this life is.

While I drove I thought about the 41 individuals ranging in age from two to 82 who would gather around the table. There hasn’t been a year I’ve missed returning to be with them at Thanksgiving. To me it is home.

Just like any family we are a funny crew. We can’t possibly all believe, choose and do the same things. We all have different histories and stories and therefore different perspectives. We are in different seasons of our life. We have grown, experienced setbacks, missteps, pain and loss at different points and in different measures.

But despite these differences, we’re more alike than we are different. At least that’s where I put my attention. Others must too. There’s something that has so many of us returning as our families have grown.

What I’ve learned about family — and relationships in general — is that relationships run on rededication and recommitment. They don’t run well on autopilot. They require investment.

As I’ve moved between two homes and two states these last months, I’ve realized even more the importance of the care and nurturing of our relationships. That we must tend to them continually with love, kindness, and support. Like all living things, they will wither without proper feeding.

This year at Thanksgiving I knew we would all be feeling the heaviness of the loss of our beloved Uncle Ted around the Thanksgiving table. He always created a welcoming, compassionate, judgement-free zone. He seemed to know most people in life are just looking for a safe place to be themselves.

The truth is when we provide a safe place for others to be themselves and allow them to give that to us as well, we experience the true connection we all seek.

I’ve learned that our stories and the events in our lives may take twists and turns that pull our relationships in different directions, but we always have the opportunity to rededicate and recommit to them.

I am more aware than ever that one day these Thanksgiving celebrations will take another form. In the meantime — and until further notice — I will keep celebrating. I encourage you to do the same.

May this season be a time when we refresh the love and kindness we bring to each relationship, knowing that connection not only sustains us but provides us warmth on our coldest days.

Wishing you a season full of meaningful connections. I am grateful for YOU and our connection!

Warmly,

~Rita

The Power of Self-Awareness

Over twenty-five years ago I was given a piece of feedback from a stranger that changed my life.

Her observation and specific feedback weren’t the things that changed my life the most, though it did indirectly lead me to my husband and my decision to do the work that I do today. No, it wasn’t the specifics that changed me.

It was the newfound understanding of the awareness of myself. I was struck.

I was struck by how easy it is to think we are doing all the right things, and that we have the right perspectives, and the right motivations. That the situations in our work, our families, our health, our economy, our politics, or our businesses are responsible for our experience, our peace, or our happiness.

That first insight into self-awareness showed me that things could change when I changed. And that blew my mind!

It blew my mind in a REALLY good way because I had power over that.

I didn’t have to wait for anything outside of me to change. Suddenly, I felt like I could thrive versus falling into being a victim or a grinder as I had unwittingly been for so many years.

As I changed myself, my life changed rapidly. I’d figured it out.

That was until I realized some other parts of me were no longer serving me, like how hard I was on myself. How I used stress to drive and motivate me. How I associated my productivity with my worthiness and how many decisions in my present were based on things that had happened to me from years before.

Looking curiously at the parts of life that may not be working any longer isn’t always comfortable. There are times I’ve resisted. Slowing down is hard. We don’t take time to do the quiet work.

Recently I picked up Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search For Meaning, again after my friend Lisa mentioned she was reading it. The book is not as much about Frankl’s experience in the Nazi concentration camps but more about the source of what it took to survive them.

The point Frankl makes is that there are many things in life that are going to be what they will be. The good news is that we always have a choice — not of what happens but in our response to it.

For example, this last week brought the election of our next president. Half of the country is elated and the other half is disappointed. The good news is if you don’t care for it now, it will change. In the meantime, you have a choice. You can resist life or you can know that we always have power over how we show up to it.

As Victor Frankl tells us, we give our suffering meaning by the way in which we respond to it.

Things will change. Things will be taken from us. People will leave. Things beyond our control will happen. But we always have the choice in how we respond. No situation defines us.

The thing about knowing ourselves means knowing that our gifts — the parts of us that have been responsible for our successes in life — can also be the same parts when overused limit us.

These parts usually fall under our coping habits and when we don’t even know what ours is, then we can‘t possibly be aware of when it is getting in the way.

We are at a unique time when the modern-day leader, the ascending leader — and I don’t mean ascending by an advancing title — is being called to rise. It’s a time of emotional, spiritual and mental ascension. Some are doing what they are called to be a part of and some are not. It’s a choice we each have.

The reality is what creates a healthy family, community, marriage and organization are the self-aware leaders.

Why is this important to me?

What I’ve learned is that the more I’ve committed to my self-awareness, the more I’ve seen the impact on my family, my clients, and my teams. As I evolve, so do they. And that is the greatest gift and meaning of life.

So, what does this mean for you as a leader today?

It means taking the time to reflect. It means slowing down and asking yourself: “Am I responding to life from a place of awareness, or am I reacting from old patterns and habits?” It means leading not just with strategy or vision, but with emotional intelligence and self-mastery.

Our family, our team members, and our employees turn to us not just for leadership, but to model for them in the healthiest ways.

The world and life are ripe with unbecoming situations. Our ability to navigate them as an evolved adult instead of as a dysregulated child is essential.

Said differently, we each have a choice: to stay stuck in old patterns or to rise to the person we’re here to be.

Yes, I still have moments when I step out of my better self. I get impatient when someone’s feelings are causing me to be inefficient. When someone else’s request is in the way of my personal goal. But with self-awareness, I pause. The lag time between being provoked and my next compassionate response is shortened.

If you’re ready to step into your next level of leadership, I encourage you to make self-awareness your starting point. The peace and freedom you’re looking for—both in your professional and personal life—are on the other side.

As Viktor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

All my best,

~Rita

Worthy of New Beginnings

I want to share a piece of wisdom I heard years ago that has stuck with me: “You cannot live your ideal life with your inner control freak in charge.”

It’s a simple yet profound truth that has been more relevant for me lately than I care to admit.

Busy achievers often don’t see themselves as controlling. We believe we’re just doing what needs to be done—achieving goals, performing at work, ensuring our families are safe and thriving.

But I’ve noticed something within myself: when plans don’t go my way, I tighten my grip instead of letting go. “This is how it should be,” I tell myself, resisting the flow of life.

Here’s the thing: life is brimming with infinite opportunities, people, places, career paths and experiences. Our rigid plans often blind us to the myriad possibilities surrounding us. We’re scratching the surface, while incredible realities hover just out of reach, waiting for us to claim them.

A soon to be empty-nester recently confided, “This isn’t where I planned to be. I didn’t expect it to be this way.” It’s a sentiment many have shared with me lately for a variety of reasons. This feeling is amplified by the belief that everyone else has a plan when ours has fallen apart.

But a perspective I embraced long ago is that if something isn’t happening, it’s not meant to be happening — at least not for now. Something else is better. Something that’s meant to expand us, something we can’t see yet.

Letting go of our plans can be incredibly challenging. The more someone tells me “no,” the more my subconscious mind wants to assert control. It’s usually because the unknown alternative scares me, pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I once bought a card I spotted in line at the grocery store with a simple but powerful message: “Sometimes good things fall apart so great things can come together.” I’ve held onto it for years, not because there hasn’t been someone who could benefit from its message, but because it’s a tough pill to swallow when your life plan goes awry. Despite its truth, it’s not a message I want to hear the moment my apple cart is turned over. It remains in my card drawer.

What I’ve learned time and again is that sometimes the very part of us that has helped us survive—by taking charge, planning the future, and driving determinedly according to plan—can be the same part that limits us from the awesome and infinite possibilities that we can’t yet see.

It can be difficult. The determination, drive, commitment and — dare I say — control that have helped us are now being beckoned to soften and rebalance in order to experience an awesome future. We’re being called to loosen our grip, let go, and trust.

What I am saying is that for many of us at this point in our lives, we are noticing a reassembling of our programs, stories and nervous systems. And on cue — as growth does — it rarely feels good.

The reality is life has a way of surprising us with illness, divorce, job loss, child challenges, or other unexpected events. What we know but tend to forget is that it’s not the events themselves but how we respond that shapes our future.

When your inner control freak is leading, it’s easy to want to resist feeling. After all, feelings are inefficient and can make us feel out of control.

I’ve learned, however, that grieving, crying, even shouting in my car, to a friend or therapist can be exactly what we need to release and get back into our flow. It’s essential to metabolizing this glorious, messy and bumpy roller coaster of life.

Once you feel the pain of an ending — unexpected or otherwise — look forward. Move into the unknown and step outside your comfort zone. Rebuild your life with faith that something better is already taking shape.

Remember, some of the hardest experiences become the biggest catalysts for change. Life’s unpredictability can be daunting and sometimes breathtaking. You are not alone. Start small to regain your footing: make your bed, take your supplements, drink a liter of water before 8:00am and take one step at a time.

Embrace the journey. One day, you’ll look back and be thankful that things didn’t go as planned. You’ll see that the life unfolding before you is far better than the one you envisioned.

Today, as we celebrate Father’s Day, let’s also acknowledge the fathers and father figures in our lives who embody resilience and adaptability. Let’s borrow strength knowing that they too likely experienced plenty of uncertainty and plans upended. Take a moment to appreciate the lessons they’ve taught us about letting go and trusting the journey.

Finally, remember this: You’re worthy of new beginnings and you’re more okay than you think you are. Keep the faith that the best is before you. It’s unfolding perfectly and on time according — perhaps not to your plan but — to your destiny!

All my best,

~Rita

The Paradox Of Endings and New Beginnings

This week I celebrated my second daughter’s graduation from high school. She’s worked hard over these last four years and is ready for new beginnings when she heads to college in August. I’m both proud and happy for her.

The thing about new beginnings though is that they require something else to end.

In many ways, this ending is what her dad and I have been preparing for these last 18 years. Like many endings we face in life, this one is bittersweet. I must allow for two things to be present: the sadness associated with ending a time I loved raising her in our home and the celebration of her evolvement and success.

I know it’s time for new chapters — both hers and my own. And once again I am being called to answer the question, what do I want now? What do I want in this next chapter? Maybe you’re feeling called to answer the same question.

Fortunately, summertime has arrived. For me, summer has always been a time to slow down, reset, reflect, find joy in little adventures, and even experience a bucket list moment. This summer I’m going to enjoy one of those by traveling with my 79-year-old mother and two daughters to view the art and history of Italy.

While planning our visit, my oldest daughter, who is already studying abroad, reminded me to leave time for the unplanned. “Mom, don’t plan it all,” she said, as I asked her thoughts on the tours I’d scheduled. “It’s fun to just walk around and explore.” Ah. I knew she was right. I was grateful for the reminder.

A part of me is always seeking the simple, more serene life while another part tends to want to move quickly, and efficiently, preparing to get the next thing accomplished so I will be ‘prepared’ to enjoy the future. But as I was reminded by my daughter who will be leaving in just a couple of months, the moment I’ve been preparing for — and always am — is now.

A long time ago I learned to relax into whatever’s happening. Struggling against reality is exhausting and with profoundly disappointing results. Sometimes this is easier for me to do than others.

As I come off the high of the graduation celebration this weekend, I am not certain exactly of how the new puzzle pieces will fit together. But I do know what I want for sure this summer.

I want to slow down. I want more simplicity — more serenity, more presence. To me, that means more long walks. More deep talks. I want to take in every moment I have with my daughter before she leaves. This summer I vow to enjoy more of the things I did as a kid — dipping my toes in the ocean, cannonballing into a pool, sitting in silence in the early morning hours as the sun rises, eating a DQ with the car windows down and singing along to country music I love.

Sometimes it takes time for our hearts to accept what our mind already knows. Whatever ending you’re facing, give yourself grace and give yourself time.

Endings and goodbyes can be hard, but they do clear the way for a fresh start and for something more when we are ready.

We don’t know what is on the other side yet, but just like all of the other endings in my life, there was something equally beautiful — or better — on the other side.

Here’s to living in the paradox of endings and new beginnings. And leaving room for the unplanned while leaping into what calls you next and those places you’ve never been yet.

If you’re like me and feeling called to slow it down this summer, I offer you this poem, Slow Me Down, Lord, by Wilferd A. Peterson, to use as your daily reminder.

SLOW ME DOWN, LORD

Slow me down, Lord.

Ease the pounding of my heart by quieting my mind.

Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time.

Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills.

Break the tension of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in my memory.

Help me to know the magical, restoring power of my sleep.

Teach me the art of taking “minute vacations” of slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read a few lines from a great book.

Slow me down. Lord, and inspire me to send my roots deep in the soil of life’s enduring values, that I may grow toward the stars of my greater destiny.

~ Wilferd A. Peterson

Cheers to summer,

~Rita

Not Another Thing

“Rita”, she said, “You must embrace that you are worthy of unconditional love.”

‘What did she just say?!?’ I thought to myself as I sat in my first experience with a life coach over 25 years ago.

I’d decided to meet this woman after hearing about her and this young profession from a friend. My intention of the meeting was that she would help me identify a more satisfying career.

My first assignment, however, startled me: embrace that you are worthy just as you are.

Besides the fact that it felt uncomfortable, what did that have to do with me getting a satisfying career — or anything else I wanted for that matter?

What I hadn’t seen before was that most of my life I had been hustling to achieve, please and get it right because on a deep level I hadn’t believed I was worthy. Instead, I believed that if I accomplished and achieved enough I’d get there — I would be enough.

My belief had driven me to spend long hours perfecting my work, working out constantly, taking on assignments I didn’t want and accepting invitations I’d rather have declined.

Of course, I hadn’t seen any of this at the time, but it made sense. As long as I could remember, even after accomplishing a bunch of things or that one big thing, I didn’t feel the way I thought I’d feel —something always felt like it was still missing.

At the time of my meeting with this coach, I thought it was a different or better career that would give me the satisfaction and fulfillment I was yearning for.

So why am I sharing this and what does this have to do with you, your career, business or leadership?

What I am seeing today is that for many at this stage in their career and life, they are realizing that despite having accomplished those things that they thought would make them finally feel fulfilled or satisfied, they’re still missing the feeling of internal satisfaction.

And it’s frustrating because they’ve done all the things society told them to do and be, but they are not feeling what they thought they’d feel.

If you’re an entrepreneur, boss, or leader of a team and you have the title and the business results, but you struggle feeling worthy enough or you regularly deal with imposter syndrome, it will show up in your decision-making. You’ll second guess yourself, stagnate, possibly sabotage yourself and for sure keep hustling to feel that you are enough. If you’re stubborn like me, you may even do it until your body completely shuts down and forces you not to work so hard — or at all.

Let’s be clear, in all my years nobody has ever come to me saying they have a self-worth problem. Most — just like I did — believe they have a career problem, business problem, relationship or leadership problem — never a self-worth problem.

But by the numbers as Jamie Lima Kern reports in her new book, Worthy, 90% of women struggle with not feeling enough. 73% of female account executives battle with imposter syndrome and 70% of men have feelings of being inadequate.

These are big numbers!

So how do you know if you are struggling with not feeling enough?

If you struggle with speaking up in the big meeting, asking for what you want, resting, raising your hand for a new role, saying what you think, promoting yourself, enjoying who you are, holding a boundary, or working less — believing you are enough may be a place to explore.

When we feel worthy we overcome performance anxiety, we act on our great ideas, we face obstacles head on, we are generous with others, and we make better decisions. When we feel worthy we see things accurately and can enjoy what we have created without needing to do another thing.

What I am saying is we can spend our lives seeking the next level of accomplishments and we can do all the things we think will help us, for example, to slow down at work, but if we don’t believe that deep down we are worthy enough of working less — or in my case of a satisfying career — it will never happen.

Trying to feel fulfilled by accomplishing more is like threading a needle while wearing boxing gloves. It’s impossible, because while achievement can make you feel a lot of things — strong, proud, empowered, self-confident — it can never make you feel worthy.

I’m not saying that going after our goals and aspirations isn’t great, but when it is motivated by a belief that it will make us feel enough, we’re sure to be left unsatisfied.

The question we need to ask ourselves is what is our motivation for working so hard or seeking to achieve our next level. Is it for the joy of the experience? To test and know our edges? To make a positive difference? Or is it to fill a missing feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment within us?

The reason it matters is because nobody, no accomplishment, no external measure will ever give us that feeling, the unidentified missing feeling of fulfillment that we are enough as we are.

This is what my coach wanted me to get that first day. I’d made most of my decisions to that point based on the false belief that I was not enough, which had led me to making a series of poor decisions.

She wanted to make sure I didn’t continue that pattern as I made my next big decision.

We have to learn how to believe again that we are worthy. It’s not impossible. Since day one we’ve been worthy. It’s the world that convinced us we are not.

After having the honor and privilege to work with many people often much smarter than myself to improve their well-being and positive leadership imprint, I have learned that your self-worth is the foundation of your fulfillment. That you’ll never feel fulfilled without it.

The reality is that I still work on my self-worth everyday. I can see when I am stalling on an important decision, not accepting a challenge or not showing up as myself but as I think I should to get approval from others. It’s in these moments that I realize I am questioning my worth. It’s also then when I take a moment to do the very things I encourage my clients to do.

When you learn to feel that you are enough, it will allow you to stop working so hard. And while it may seem counter-intuitive, you’ll still be productive and achieve great things — you’ll just enjoy and be more satisfied while you do.

If you are someone who wants to slow down and enjoy what you have achieved, developing your self-worth is your first step.

One of my favorite ways to begin is with what I call a “Worthy List.” Start by noting what you want to do, feel, or experience. Write it down on a piece of paper or in a journal. Then in front of each of your desires, simply write, I am worthy to. It looks like this.

I am worthy to rest

I am worthy to sit still

I am worthy to be in this big meeting

I am worthy to take a vacation

I am worthy to sell this business

I am worthy to lead this account

I am worthy to be home in time for dinner

I am worthy to say what I want

I am worthy to step out of the office

I am worthy to say “no more” to the work that I don’t want to do

I am worthy to say “no thank you” to the invitation

Right now you are truly worthy exactly as you are, and it doesn’t mean you stop pursuing your goals, dreams and aspirations. It means you don’t pursue them with the belief that they will ever make you feel fulfilled. What you want is that when you do hit them, you are able to enjoy them. And if you don’t, you feel worthy, satisfied and fulfilled regardless!

Building your self-worth is the best decision you can make for your business, your team, your children, and your leadership.

There’s never been a better time to cultivate it!

All my best,

~Rita

Make This The Year You Break Your Rules

Years ago after I had my first child. I desperately needed some time of my own but whenever I had a babysitter I insisted that I had to be working. It was my rule that I had to be efficient with my time which meant no lallygagging.

Getting a manicure while a babysitter was there, for example, was a no-no. Then it occurred to me that I had made up this rule.

To have what I wanted only required me to permit myself. I was floored.

I wondered how many other rules I had made up that were holding me back from what I wanted.

I share this story because, at this time of year, there’s excitement to improve and create in ways that have never been — both at work and home.

I know it can sound funny at the stage of life you’re in to think you may be making up rules that are holding you back or not giving yourself permission to do or have what you want, but it happens all of the time without even knowing it.

It’s not that you’re not allowing it. It’s your brain trying to protect you from an unknown future which is exactly what our aspirations for the new year are.

Maybe you have a rule that…

Projects need to be perfect before they’re released

You have to be in the office for 10 hours a day to succeed

You can’t switch organizations or move states at this stage of your career

You can’t take a vacation abroad until you do X

You can’t show weakness to your team if you want them to respond

You have to talk to your children with strength so they respect you

Or you can’t buy the lake house or kind of car you want because it’ll appear you’re showing off your good fortune

All of these are rules I’ve heard recently that are holding individuals back from what they really would like to experience this year.

Here’s the thing.

Everything is doable but we have to notice where we’ve unwittingly put in place unsupportive rules and understand that we can break them. In fact, we need to break them and give ourselves full permission to have whatever it is we want.

This is where you begin to become an observer of yourself, your thinking, and the made-up rules that may not be working for you. Not only become an observer but a challenger of those rules.

So ask yourself what rules are you making up that if you broke them would allow for exactly what you want.

What one thing if you gave yourself permission would change everything?

The truth is the time is always right to begin. It doesn’t matter what day of the year it is. It only matters that you make today the day you give yourself permission for your ideas, your dreams, and your hopes.

Cheers to your extraordinary year ahead!

~Rita

A Simple Ritual To Close Out Your Year

It’s almost here!

There are just days before 2023 is in our rear-view window.

Before you say ‘goodbye’ to 2023, there is ONE thing for you to do before you ring in the new year and start making other plans.

Stop and look back at the fabulous things that have happened. It’s easy to overlook the amazing things you experience in our fast-driven world.

They are likely accompanied by some setbacks, disappointments, and losses too. That’s ok. It means you are in the arena and alive!

Take stock of it all to learn from the immediate past. Your observations, insights, and awarenesses. The ones you may not have caught without further reflection and introspection.

These experiences hold a treasure trove of wisdom IF you know how to find it.

You simply need the process to be a simple ritual. It will help you identify what it is you could do more of as well as what patterns of behavior cost you the most last year and need to be dropped as you head into 2024.

I call it the Post-Game Review and my clients and I do it every year to identify and record our one-sentence Success Formula.

All you need is a pen and ten minutes.

It’s pretty simple. It’s five steps. Here it is…

Step 1. Write down all of your “wins” and successes over the last year.

List 10-20 things that you achieved or experienced that make you feel good. Whether they’re large or small, own your best moments this past year.

Step 2. Now write down the mistakes or any setbacks you had in the past year.

What things didn’t go as well as you would have liked? Remember, those who don’t make mistakes, don’t create. Consider it a good thing to have this list.

Step 3. Next to every win and mistake, write down the “lesson” or the “gift” from each.

Nothing is a coincidence nor happens without reason or some value. What is the hidden meaning or opportunity from the experience? For example, if one of your wins was that you nailed a deliverable for a client or stakeholder, or conversely you made a mistake and didn’t get the help you needed to complete a project, the corresponding lesson might be the same: I am best when I identify and ask for the help needed to be successful.

Step 4. Look at your lessons and gifts.

What common theme do you see from both your wins and mistakes? Write down the 2-3 lessons that strike you as being most important to your wins and your mistakes. These may include things you want to keep doing or stop doing.

Step 5. Write your success formula.

Your final step is to write your success formula in one sentence. Write the 3-5 things that you see within the lessons that will be your directional beacon for success for the year ahead!

It’s fun and fast.

You may want to do this with a friend, family or team member! Creating meaningful conversation and support for those you care most about is a great exercise.

All my best to you in the year ahead!

~Rita